The Pivotal Moments

I went to see an old friend today. I haven't seen this gal in like 5 1/2 years. Last time I saw her was her wedding and I was preggers with T-bone. The way we met was interesting... destiny - to say the least.  Me and Handsome were bringing our friend, a recently single guy, to a church singles dance. We weren't supposed to be there, because we weren't single. There wasn't much point in him being there because he wasn't a member of our church at the time. But we all went. And there he met the woman who would soon become his wife, and later would be the mother of 3 of his children. And to think, he almost didn't go. And what if we hadn't invited him?

It's crazy to look back on life and see those very pivotal moments... the ones where lives change, where destiny steps in and sets things in motion.

There was one point in my life where I got a job out of convenience of location. It was right next to where my mom taught a bible study class every morning and since I didn't have a car, she could take me every morning and usually pick me up in the evening. There was no way to know all that would come out of that one job... I ended up being a teacher to a little boy who, along with his 2 older brothers, stole my heart. When I found out they were going to be separated in the foster care system, it tore me apart, and in turn, my parents ended up becoming foster parents for them in order to keep them together. My mom contacted our churches social services and found a couple who were interested in fostering and possibly adopting these little men. Many years and struggles and trials later, my little men have a wonderful mom and dad and have more love in their lives then they know what to do with. And it was because of a convenient job.

I feel like this year has been full of these tiny little moments all leading me down a path I would have never gone down on my own, all very pivotal in their own way. And there have been so  many people who have helped in leading me towards this path. I have no idea quite where this road is going, but I truly feel like it is where I'm meant to go. And I will follow it trusting that my Father in Heaven (or life or destiny or whatever you believe in) knows where I'm going and has a plan for me. I'm so excited to see where this road leads. It's been a pretty fun ride so far.

My first vlog... Don't make fun

So I was driving home today and had so many things in my mind about my blog, so I figured before I forgot it, I'd just video tape it!!!

 And thus, my first vlog was created!

(You can make as much fun of me as you want... just don't do it where I can here you! You will hurt my heart if you do. And then I'll punch you in yours. (Why are little people so violent? Seriously... I don't know why we are... I just know we are!))

I just got home about an hour ago and I have to say that I LOVE my kitchen.  

I'm trying to get the photos of it from my iPod to my computer but for some reason they're both stupid at the moment and I can't get it done... so I just tweeted one of the photos and I'm hoping I can get it on here from there...

FINALLY... That only took my like 20 minutes. GOSH!

Anyways... About my therapy thing today... There is a traumatic event in my past that I need to get over. My therapist is having me write it all down in extreme detail and we're going to go over and over and over it until it loses it's power. It's a GREAT plan and I can't wait to get to the end of this plan where this event doesn't bother me anymore... but it's SO hard to get started.  Just thinking about this event makes me sick to my stomach and makes my skin crawl... trying to write down every detail at the moment seems impossible. But I know I'll get there... Like I said in the video, my therapist said every writing session is going to wear me out mentally and emotionally so I'll need to be ready to do something to lift my spirits afterwards... any ideas?

Welp, I'm gonna go watch 21 Jump Street now with my wonderful Handsome while our little girls sleep in their own beds for the first time in over a week. Night y'all!

UPDATED: In this corner, at 4'10 5/8"...

So, Not really sure what I'm going to write right this second, but I feel the need to post today.

I am myself at this moment. I LOVE feeling like myself.  Knowing who I am in my own skin.  Not feeling like something else is taking over and controlling me. I feel like most of the time I'm in a boxing match against the depression. Sometimes I can knock it down long enough to get something done.  Other times, I'm KO'ed in one hit and out for the rest of the match... But more and more often recently I have felt like myself.  I think this is mostly due to my crazy pill, but I'm hoping that with some big changes (mentioned previously) that I will be able to not need any medication to feel like myself.

Because I feel like me today, I'm going to get some cleaning done. Hopefully my house will be spotless before I go to bed tonight. Now that I've posted this on here, and on Facebook earlier today, maybe that will make me do it.  Can y'all hold me accountable? Everyone come over to inspect my home at 8! No, let's make it 10!  Come on over and see how clean my house will be.  There will be refreshments... served on the floor of course... because it will be clean enough to eat off of!

Okay, so enough procrastination. I'm off to clean while I'm me. Hope y'all are all having a good day today too. Here's hoping I've knocked out the depression long enough to get this crap done!

UPDATE:
http://thebloggess.com/2012/05/it-comes-around-and-around/
My hero posted this today... Making me even more grateful that I'm having a good day.

Also... The downstairs is spotless and the girls are falling asleep as I type.  So excited to get the upstairs cleaned and my craft corner set up in my room so I can sew. Maybe I'll even post some photos when I'm done. 

My Hero

(Note: I'm about half way done typing this blog out and I realized I sound like a total creeper. I'm not. I swear. I just truly adore this woman and want the world and Her to know.)

A while back, I clicked a link on a friend's Facebook wall that led me to a blog that would change my life. At the time, I had never heard of The Bloggess or Jenny Lawson. I think the Beyonce post was my very first encounter with her. I laughed SO hard... I couldn't believe how funny this woman was. I was immediately hooked. Then I read about all sorts of things ranging from homicidal monkeys to traveling dresses and everything in between. She is a fellow fighter of Anxiety and Depression and has not been afraid of being open and honest about her struggles with both. I even had the opportunity to receive a Traveling Dress... This one...

Which I have been saving for months trying to find the right moment and occasion to wear.

This amazing woman very quickly became my Hero. I have the biggest platonic crush for her that I have ever had on another woman. I very badly want her to be my friend and come over for dinner... I will buy the plane ticket, even if I have to sell my own blood to afford it. When I read about her book, Let's Pretend This Never Happened I pre-ordered it as soon as I possibly could. When she offered hand signed bookplates to those who pre-order I very nearly peed my pants and signed right up for my very own bookplate. When it came in the mail I almost built a shrine to it... something she had touched. GAH! When her book came in I about died laughing from the back cover alone. I stuck in my bookplate and felt complete! Now I can not only practically stalk Jenny Lawson on her blog and twitter and Facebook, but I can now carry her life story around with me and read it wherever I go.

(Note: So I started writing this post finally to try and calm myself down from a series of panic attacks that started at a graduation party and continued when I realized I couldn't find my panic attack pills.  I believe that is the definition of Irony... panicking over lost panic attack meds. My handsome just walked in and asked how I was doing. I said okay... considering. Then he said, "Would these help?" and pulled them out from behind his back. He found them while cleaning. *Yes he cleans, is ridiculously good looking, and insane in the sack - he is also taken... stay away!  He saw me typing and asked if I was writing about how awesome he is.  I said no, I was writing about how awesome Jenny Lawson is. But I need to give him a shout out right now because he truly is amazing. More to come on his awesomeness soon)

Because Jenny (Yes I'm calling her by her first name now...) wrote her book, she gets to go on tour all over the United States and meet crazy people like me. I pretty much begged in comments on her blog for her to come to this side of the country. I made my Handsome swear to me that if she came withing a 5-6 hour drive that I would be able to go.  He said yes... I didn't even have to get the knives out or anything. When Jenny posted about adding more legs to her book tour I squealed OUT LOUD. Atlanta was on this leg of the tour, and it's only a 4 hour drive away! I COULD GO! Then I saw the date and my heart broke into a ton of tiny pieces. May 16th.  T-bone's, my now 5 year old, birthday. I knew there would be no way in HELL I would make it. I almost didn't even ask Handsome if I could go or not, because I knew the answer would be no.

How would we make this work? Mother's day on Sunday, our 8 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday, then T-bone's 5th birthday on Wednesday... I worked up the nerve and called Handsome, told him about the Bloggess coming to Atlanta, and then proceeded to swear that if I could somehow make it to the book signing, that would be all I would need for Mother's Day and our anniversary. I still didn't think I'd get a yes, because of the logistics of it... Getting T-bone out of school for 1/2 the day on her birthday and Handsome needing to take a 1/2 day off work if we were to all go... or I go alone on my daughter's 5th birthday and miss that... It was just something I didn't think was going to be possible.

And then Handsome made me the happiest wife EVER. He said YES! I could go! We all would go! I was so thrilled and my heart was whole. I had an idea to make a gift for my favorite woman in the world (who is not related to me! atleast that I know of.) Because she is my HERO, I would make her a cape. And I knew just what would go on it. Beyonce, the giant chicken on one side, and a silver ribbon on the other, for mental health awareness. (I'm cursing myself at the moment for not taking pics of the cape prior to giving it to her, but maybe she'll show it at some point.)  I also decided this was truly an example of the meaning of the Traveling Red Dress (IN SO MANY WAYS) and would be the most perfect moment for me to wear my dress.

So Wednesday we left, a little later than I had planned on but I made up for that with SPEED! We got there in a short 3 1/2 hours. The girls were great on the way down. We got there, finally found the right place, and in I went with gift and gigantic box full of dress in hand. The place was filling up and fast. I found a seat a few rows back to the side that was open and had Chris save my spot while I went into the bathroom to change into the dress. I had a panic attack in the bathroom trying to decide if I had enough courage to actually do this. But I don't know why looking back on it. If there was ever a crowd of people to wear this dress for, this was it! They would know exactly what it was and what it meant and would understand! So I put the dress on (white shirt underneath to keep it as modest) and went back out to my little bench seat... Chris was gone.

Seriously? Where did he go? What the heck? I was a little bit aggravated, though no one had taken my spot on the bench... did he leave me there already? Then I looked over and my stuff was sitting on a seat right smack dab in front of the podium... front row. Chris called me over and said he had asked if that seat was taken and it wasn't... so it was mine! I about cried right then. There were already people standing around but this was going to be my seat? The woman I sat beside said she didn't know why she'd been saving two seats, she only had one friend coming. That seat was MEANT to be mine.  Thank You Destiny!

Chris and the girls decided to leave and hit up the Mickey D's across the street during the event. After all, Jenny is a bit R rated... funny as hell and sweet as can be, but can cuss like a sailor. Not something for the kids to be around. I quickly realized that pretty much every woman there was just like me. Southern, slightly crazy and all with the same twisted sense of humor. Everyone I met was immediately a friend, and I had all of them sign the inside of my book...

I'm going to see if I can find some of them on facebook later so we can be life long buds.

Then I found out that Kathryn Stockett, the author of The Help, would be the one introducing the bloggess. YAY! Two for the price of one! But there was no price because it was a free event... even better!

I was so excited, I was shaking. I thought about seriously getting up and running out of the building because I was terrified that Jenny would think I was absolutely crazy with my gift of cape and "red" black and pink traveling dress on. After Kathryn was done, Jenny got up, and as soon as she started talking I was laughing and my nerves flew away.

Then it was time to meet her and have her sign my book (kinda for the second time since I had a blookplate!) Chris video taped the whole thing, which I will post on here as soon as I can get him to upload them from his iPod. But I also got tons of Pics of it all. So here you go... Pics

me(book and dress included) and the angel who saved my seat 

The most awesome front row ever... all immediately became my best friends.

Jenny's nose. She's behind the red headed guy. 

The post it nazi. They didn't pay this woman enough.

Kathryn Stockett, hilarious and sweet and truly a southern belle

And JENNY!

She's so pretty!

And freaking hilarious 

Kathryn stayed to listen ;)

Jenny signing my book, copernicus sitting on the table and my gift, ready to be opened

Me and Jenny

After she opened my cape, yes she is wearing it, and I'm about ready to cry.

I can't rotate this pic on here (dang it) but that's her still wearing my cape. I hope she loves it and has fun with it and keeps it forever. 

And Jenny, if you ever read this, you have seriously helped me through some of the darkest times in my life. You have taught me to be honest with myself and others about how bad my disease it. You have taught me that depression lies. You have helped me to realize the strength that it takes to live with depression and anxiety and how strong I truly am. You have helped me laugh and smile when the darkness was all I could see. To me, you are a true Hero and inspiration. And I am so thankful to have found your blog and to have had the opportunity to meet you in person. I told my husband there is no way he will ever be able to top this anniversary gift... front row seat to your book signing and being able to meet you.  UNLESS he could possibly get you to be my friend in real life and have you over to our house for dinner... that'd be the best anniversary gift ever! Thank you for being so awesome!

I adore you whole big tons of massive bunches!

**I had someone suggest I start selling the capes online. If you'd like a cape like Jenny's, Just comment and let me know. Maybe I will start selling them and Maybe the money can go to pay for a trip for Jenny and her family to come to dinner at my house.

UPDATE

Jenny Lawson totally showed off my cape on her blog!

AND HERE IT IS

Why me?

The pain in my heart at the moment is so real, I can hardly breath. I'm not quite sure that this is a panic attack cause my heart is not racing. I'm just so overwhelmingly sad... It feels good to cry though. The tears are kinda healing in some ways. They calm me down a little.  It's like I can just get it out through there and then I'm better.

My biggest frustration lately is WHY. Why do I have depression? What is it's purpose? Why do I have anxiety? Why do I have to suffer?

My conclusion is still kinda up in the air, and I don't know that I will ever really know WHY... well in this life anyways.  But here's what I've come up with so far.

1. Genetics. My mother has depression and anxiety issues. My older sister has these issues as well. My younger brother has had anxiety issues. I wonder if anyone else in my family suffers from these issues.  I think we all get some mental quirks from our parents. I can see mine very obviously. My dad has control issues... and can be a bit OCD and has some hoarding stuff... nothing that complicates his life. But I have those tendencies as well. And like I said, depression and anxiety from my mama.  But what I don't know is if this stuff is learned or DNA. I'm hoping more of it is learned than not... Because I am terrified of passing this on to my daughters. I really hope I don't.

2. Hormones. Having my two daughters back to back threw me off. I am blaming part of this on my IUD as well. Mirena does have some hormones and I think I'm off balance.  But I don't want a baby anytime soon, so I'm not having it removed. There are other factors playing into my issues anyways.

3. Past Events.  There have been 3 major events in my past that have directly led to my issues with Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.) I was molested twice when I was growing up. One of those times I was very young and don't remember it. But that doesn't mean it has no effect on my psyche. Another one of those times I was a teenager and a family member molested me. That I remember in vivid detail... up to a certain point. Then it's blank... then I remember what happened afterwards. That one haunts me. I have forgiven those involved and tried to move past it as much as I can, but I have never seen a therapist for it. The third event was being kicked out of college. At the time, I shut down. I quit eating, my hair started falling out... So I moved. I changed my life to try and get me out of the funk. But it only got worse. The environment around me was not helpful and I kept slipping further and further. I finally came back home and got my shit together. That's when I met Chris and my life started looking up.

I know all this has led to my mental health issues.  Some of these issues can be corrected physically with prescriptions and regular exercise and sun, etc.  Some can't. Some will be with me through my entire life. They led me to where I am and to who I am, and though I may be broken in places... I wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything. I love my life and those around me. So if this is my burden to bear, then I will try my hardest.

Even though I am resigned to the fact that some of this will be with me my whole life does not mean that I am giving up and giving in to the depression. I will try daily to fight it. To strive for joy and happiness and light in the darkness.

One of my heroes, The Bloggess, said that those who suffer from depression are deeper people because of the suffering we have. I agree. I have a deeper sense of sympathy, of joy and of light. I can appreciate them more because of the pain I feel. I can laugh harder because of those times when sadness overwhelms me. Maybe that is the why... maybe it's so that I can be a deeper person, more grateful, more empathetic, more caring, more loving, and happier in times of peace. And if I have been called to suffer so that I can be this person, then so be it. I will be her. And pray that it is enough.

Nothing to be ashamed of!

I wrote this blog post on another blog and then out of shame deleted the blog. :/ This was my first post on the blog and it was very hard for me to write. After reading a blog post by my favorite blogger, The Bloggess, I decided it needed to be posted again. For anyone out there dealing with this craziness. I have depression, but it goes beyond that. I also have PTSD, anxiety, and I self harm. I may also be a bit ADD or ADHD. After reading the post by the Bloggess (link above) I realized how strong I am. I have been fighting depression off an on for 10 years now and pretty steadily for the past 3. I kick ass. And I can kick depression's ass. Anyways... this post needed to be put back up again. Judge away. I don't care now (I do but I'm trying to convince myself I don't... so let me pretend okay!) 

WOOHOO

Somewhere for me to finally post all the f'ed up craziness inside my head. It's hard on Facebook cause everyone's like "It's a status, not a diary." And it's not necessarily appropriate on the family blog... So here it is!!! YAY.

So lately my depression has been getting worse and worse. I stayed up until 6AM last night/this morning. Insomnia is a B-word.  (I'm trying so hard not to cuss... but some are part of my normal vocabulary... proceed with caution.) I was finally able to get the voices in my head to stop by sitting at the computer and typing all their bull crap out. Thought I'd post it here for the world to see... talk about airing dirty laundry.  Well this dirty laundry is covered with pit stains and skid marks... It's nasty.  Here goes.

12-1-11

Well, I have gone off the deep end again. My depression is back and it seems like it is back with a vengeance.  I was doing pretty well… not extraordinary, but well.  I don't really know what triggered this episode, except maybe my lack of drinking ASEA.  If that is truly the case, then HOLY COW.  That stuff can work wonders when I take it, but the lack of it… HELL.  I am up at 5:00AM. I have yet to go to bed. It's fine though, because I napped this morning from 8-11 or so… while all 3 kids (my 2 girls and the little boy I watch during the day) had to fend for themselves. I'm awful, I know. 

But I have no will power. I will probably give in and sleep half my day away and wake up feeling like SHIT and have to apologize to my 3 year old daughter for not being her mommy today.  Hearing her say "It's okay mama," and then my lies about doing better tomorrow break my heart. Crush it, rather. I truly hate myself. I even kept my 4 year old home from school today because I couldn't stand the thought of having to get out and go pick her up at the end of her school day. 

Do you think I need a shrink?  Ha!!!! I can't afford one, so I get to suck this up on my own. I feel like there is no one I can go to, except my Savior. But even then… I had a conversation with him in my head tonight. I sat and thought about this… this back and forth I constantly am doing. Depressed then not, paralyzed with fear, then superwoman. I realized that this is probably going to be the rest of my life.  I will do this up and down, back and forth, happy and sad, joy and pain for the rest of my life. I can't do it.  I honestly can't. At least I don't want to. That's not how I want to live my life.

 But how do I change it? And also, how do I keep my children from seeing this? My 3 year old is to the point where she is forming her first memories that she'll have for the rest of her life.  Will she remember me sleeping away our days on the couch, unable to move because of how much I HATE myself? I say to myself, "I HAVE TO CHANGE FOR HER." Yet I do nothing. I have the best intentions. I start to clean, I start projects to teach her, help her learn and grow… then I slip back into my cave, back into depression, back into the darkness. I'm so sick of it… I don't know what to do.

Should I take up drinking? Not so that I can deal with it all, but that I numb the pain and hatred enough to fake being the mom I need to be for my girls. I love them to the ends of the earth and back.  They ARE my world… but I know I'm failing them and I can't do that. 

I'm not depressed about my life… I love my life. I love my family. I am blessed beyond belief. I have the most perfect husband in the world. I couldn't have dreamed up a better man. I have two absolutely gorgeous daughters who are so good… so sweet… so kind… so well behaved… who are best friends. We have a great home. My husband has an amazing job and I'm able to stay home with my children. I have no excuses for my depression… according to some people… yet my depression is not about the life I live in… It's about inside. It's about the hate I have for myself. It's about the difference in who I am and who I was meant to be. 

My depression is not what I've heard others talk about anymore. I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to run away from my life. I can laugh and find the humor in life. I still enjoy doing some things and I very desperately want to do those things. But I don't. I just want to have the strength, the courage, the will power to do the things that I envision… To get up and have a clean home, to follow a schedule, to do fun things with my kids, to continue to date my husband, to be the right kind of mother, the right kind of wife, the right kind of Latter-day Saint. 

I know I have a Savior, that he can help me through this… but how? How do I give this to him? How do I quit hating myself? How do I gain the strength to get up and make breakfast every morning? I didn't feed my kids dinner tonight until it was just 30 minutes or so before their bedtime. WHAT THE HELL!!! I've been hiding how bad it is, even from myself. I lie to my husband and family and friends. They know part of it. But they don't know how bad it is. When I tell my husband that I just napped a little bit… he doesn't know that the only reason I got off the couch at noon was because he was coming home, that a 2 and 3 year old had a complete run of the house on their own until then. And if he doesn't come home, then I don't get up until 1 when I have to put clothes on to go pick up my daughter from school. Even simple things like showering and eating are chores to me… not worth doing… or I'm too lazy. 

I'm so disgusted with myself. I cannot believe that this is what I am. I really feel like a monster. I wonder if this is what a nervous breakdown feels like… I'm sick of hiding how bad it is, but what do I do to make it better? Who do I go to? I keep thinking of some magical place in the future where I no longer struggle with this… but is that a reality or a dream? I've been day dreaming about my 30's for a few years now, and I always picture them as just perfect.  We're in our home… Chris has an amazing job that's steady but has freedom as well, the girls are in school and maybe we even have a couple more kids, I can sew and clean and take my kids out to the park and playground. The girls do their homework as soon as they get home, we have family prayers, family home evening, and even read the scriptures together daily. I am happy and my kids don't have any clue of the depression I USED to struggle with.  But is that even possible? If I am still struggling with depression then like I do now, that dream isn't possible. 

I truly feel bad for Chris and the girls. I feel like because of who I am, they got cheated.  I feel like God did them a disservice by placing me in their lives. It's not fair to them. My depression doesn't just affect me, obviously!!! It is a burden on them. It is NOT fair! They deserve better. They deserve more. WHY CAN'T I DO AND BE THAT? What the hell is wrong with me? 

I watched the Mormon ad video the other day about men's hearts failing them, and the apostle spoke about that meaning fear. I don't know that I'm necessarily afraid of anything, but I do feel that my heart has failed me. I have no strength. I have no courage. I have no will power. My weakness is more powerful than any strengths I possess. But God will give us nothing we can't handle… I know I can endure. I can keep dragging along, going around and around, but that never gets me anywhere. I’m not progressing. I’m not learning. I'm damned. 

What am I supposed to do? What will help? I'm trying to go back to before I was a monster. Remember before I was bad… Have I always been this way? Does it go all the way back? I remember happy times… but I feel I've always been bad, like a sinner, or maybe just damned… or damaged. 

Madison said something that terrified me last night. She said Heavenly Father didn't love her. Why does my 3 year old feel that way? Have I taught her to feel that way? Have I taught the exact opposite of what God wants me to teach her? Words cannot express the failure I feel in my heart and soul. It is just black. Not even evil… just void of anything good or pure. And I long so badly for peace, for comfort, to feel as if I've done an okay job. 

I don't expect to be perfect in this life. I DON'T. But I expect to do my job, and do it well. And I'm not doing that. I want to do that. I envision it. I plan. I have all the right intentions, but I never get there. Okay now… So I think I'm very nearly out of words… or too exhausted to continue this right now. So what to do? Show this to Chris? E-mail it to my bishop? Send it to a friend who shares my disease? I don't know what the freaking hell to do. But just simply writing it, acknowledging it has made me feel a tiny bit better… and worse at the same time. Because there's hope that comes with that tiny bit better. Then I realize it's a vain hope, because I will never overcome my depression. I think it will haunt me until I become completely paralyzed by it all.

So dramatic much? YES! I am.  But that's honestly how I was feeling last night. After I wrote all that out I chugged about 6-8oz of ASEA. I went and laid down for a bit. I got up this morning, gloomy, and got Taylor dressed. I laid on the couch... woke up to get Madison breakfast and turn on the Lion King for her, and fell back asleep. Doing my usual lazy mom thing, but I gave that to myself this morning. I don't feel guilty for it today because heck, I was awake until 6AM! I have to give myself some allowance, because I know I'm not perfect. That was my break for today (plus my facebook games... I'm saving pinterest for after I'm done cleaning my room.)

I did print out that journal entry or whatever the heck it is and show it to Chris so that he knows how bad off I've been. He told me he wasn't clueless to how I was doing. I know he wasn't but I don't think he realizes how bad it gets inside my head. How can he? I'll share bits and pieces with him, but never the whole truth. At least not usually. But writing that all out and sharing it with someone helped me to feel tons better.  Just getting it OUT of my head helped I think. Putting it in writing helped to quiet the mean people in my head who never leave me alone. (Seriously, there aren't people in my head and I don't hear voices.  I'm talking about talking to myself in my head... not outloud, cause that's crazy.  I'm crazy, but not that crazy.) I also drank a ton of ASEA this morning, so my brain is working like it should and letting me be in control instead of it controlling me. Sounds strange, maybe ridiculous, but someone somewhere must understand what that means. 

I'm excited for this evening, for the motivation I have right now to get things done. It's keeping that excitement that is the key to pulling myself out of this funk. I have to make the cleaning an indulgence. Get me a Dr. P, put on 'My Fair Lady' or 'Say Anything', and then get to organizing my crap. 

Okay, so massive post. I'm done now. Just want to put down for future reference 3 things about my depression I realized last night.

1. Being honest with myself and others about what's in my head helps me to get over it.
2. Writing out what all those voices are saying helps to quiet them down, and helps me sleep better.
3. ASEA really does help. It really does work. Every single time I've quit drinking it in the past year and a half I have relapsed back into my depression, and I think each time, I drop very low before I realize I haven't been doing what I should. 

I highlighted those because I want to remember them, so the next time I start to relapse, maybe I can catch it before I'm in too deep. At least today I'm hopeful. And that's a huge blessing.