Too much to think straight

So much has happened since Tuesday, that I'm going to have to go through and post stuff one at a time, but I can't yet, because this weekend is going to be NUTS.

But here's a little sample...
1. Went to planned parenthood and was bombarded by some people who ended by telling me they'd pray for my soul.
2. Had my first Therapist visit, and I think I may have overwhelmed him.
3. We got a new VAN! New to us anyways, but 2 seconds after we got it I locked all the keys in it, and after trying to break in for almost 3 hours, I finally gave in and called a locksmith.
4. The girls are doing their dance recital tomorrow and I can't stand how cute they are in it. I'm going to cry like crazy.
5. Trying to get ready for the rest of the weekend... Recitals, Reunions, Church, and family visiting... It should be fun.
6. I have to update y'all on my crazy meds! There's going to be some big changes in the next couple weeks and I hope that myself and those around me survive!
7. Dying my hair purple... photos to come.

More to come. But seriously, my brain hurts from all the thinking I've been doing, so I need to give it a break.

Do it for yourself.

I have a friend (I'll call her Sam) who is one of my three heroes. I met Sam about 7 years ago I think. I could go on and on about how amazing she is, all that she has endured and overcome, but most of it is pretty personal and I don't feel comfortable sharing it all on here, but in my opinion, she's had WAY MORE than her fair share of trials in this life. Seriously... It's unreal!!!

I went out to see Sam yesterday very last minute... I called on the way. She was welcoming as always. I love going to her farm.  Yes she has a farm! And it has everything a good farm has, cows, horses, chickens, rabbits, baby wild turkeys, a fully stocked pond with a dock to have picnics on... It's heaven on earth. My girls have a BLAST every time we go and it makes me ache to have them grow up in the country, but I digress.

When I first met Sam, we were instantly friends. Over the years she has become family. Every time I see her I know more and more that we were meant to be in each others lives. Yesterday, Sam and I sat in her room on the floor and talked for a couple hours. I had no idea how badly I needed that. 

Sam has been through much of the same things I have in life and has many of the same issues (anxiety, depression, etc.) I was telling her about my struggle and the ways I'm trying to overcome it. I told her about being molested when I was 14, and feeling so sad for that little girl I was then. Sam told me she had been molested as a child as well. She told me she calls her younger self the "Summer Child." I told Sam about how I want to get better for my Handsome, for my girls, for the children we have yet to have... Sam told me something amazing.

The only way I will truly get better is to get better for myself. I will only truly overcome this awful disease if I do it for my own  "summer child." I have to get better for that 14 year old girl who was hurt so badly. I have to get better for the 40 year old woman I will be someday. I have to get better for the 80 year old woman I will be. 

It's weird when I say it out loud, but I don't feel like the me right now is worth it... is worthy of me being better, of me feeling better, of me being happy. But when I think about that girl I was, I want to get better to avenge what happened to her, the hurt she felt. When I think about the future me, I feel like I owe it to myself to do this. 

I have tried to wake up in the morning and think, "I need to shower, shave my legs, fix my hair and do my make-up  for Chris. I need to make a schedule for my girls." Everything I try to do, I'm doing for someone else. But I need to want these things for me. I need to make myself feel worthy again. And by slowly doing things like getting dressed and dolled up for myself, and no one else, will help me rebuild the relationship with myself, help  me realize my own self worth, and hopefully, help me to stop the self abuse. 

Thank you Sam. You help me to see that I am worth something. You help me feel that I am not alone. You uplift me so much. I pray that I help you do the same. I feel strong because you can see strength in me. I hope you feel the same. Thank you for all you have taught me and for being my sister. I adore you lady. 

From now on... I'm doing this for myself.

Cleaning is good for the soul

I woke up this morning feeling like the pooh... and I don't mean Winnie.

(Yes, I like my jokes extra cheesy.)

(And sometimes dirty.)

My home has been a MESS lately and though I've had the desire to clean it, I could never quite get to that point mentally or physically. I was overwhelmed by it all and just couldn't make myself do it.

Today I did it. For the most part... the kitchen and some laundry is all that is left and it feels good. I've heard the saying over and over again that cleanliness is next to Godliness. And I completely believe that is true.  In order to be a peace mentally, your home and surroundings need to be at peace as well... at least for me they do. Otherwise I sit there thinking about all the things I need to do and just more and more anxious over doing them and become paralyzed by the anxiety to the point where dirty laundry will sit for weeks and I'm on the verge of turning my underwear inside out so I can keep ignoring the stinky pile of clothes begging to be washed.  (that may have been the longest sentence I've ever written without a comma.)

But anyways - The relief I feel from having done the work, the pride I feel at having the will power to get over my funk and just do it... It's wonderful.  Yeah I still feel a bit like pooh... but it's more of a good pooh... more like Winnie and less like #2.

But on those days when I really can't make myself face the dishes (or crumbs on the carpet from the girls sneaking a bag of potato chips into their room... they're grounded now BTW) I remember something my mama taught me.

Dishes are the most patient things in the world. They will sit and quietly wait for you until you are ready to do them. Laundry as well. Sometimes there are more important things that can use whatever attention I can muster up. And this poem reminds me of what one of things is...