Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh!

It's been a little while again. :/ I'm crap on here lately. The entire Christmas and New Years holidays were insane. Very amazing and wonderful, our best ever! But at the same time, utterly exhausting with worry and stress and drama. I'd post more, but I'd end up crying and I'm not up for that right now.

Things have calmed back down a bit and we're getting back into a routine of sorts. It needs to be better, but we're getting there slowly. We've been cleaning and rearranging alot of stuff as well, trying to slowly get ready for this bean to sprout at the end of May.

Actually, today the baby is about all I can think about, especially since the big reveal ultrasound is scheduled for Wednesday, the 16th. Yes, I'm hoping for a boy after our two girls, but either way, it will be awesome to finally get to figure out who is growing in my belly. If you know me, you know I have a weird thing with numbers. It can kinda get obsessive. Tot and Moo were both born on the 16th of their own months, and they are 16 months apart, to the day. Part of me is wondering if this other 16th is a sign that it's another girl. I guess we shall see.

I'm also a bit of a control freak and since all I have is baby on the brain, All I can think about is trying to plan the delivery and the timing and what will be best for all involved, etc. Since we get to schedule this c-section, it makes it super easy. But at the same time, we're also deciding what will be our child's birthday for the rest of his/her life. It was easy with Moo, since we could do it on the 16th... it was an easy choice. But with my due date of June 1st, it's a bit more difficult. Tot's birthday is may 16th, and our anniversary and Mother's day also fall in that week, so it's a hard week for us financially. Me and the hubs can hardly celebrate our anniversary. But we've always found a way so far.

We both would like to have a bit more space between Tot's birthday and this new bean, but we also have to take into consideration that the girls have a dance recital on June 8th and I refuse to miss. I want to have the baby the week or two prior to that week, so I'm not coming home from the hospital and then having to handle the recital the next day. Memorial Day weekend is also in there somewhere, so we're trying to figure out if it's better to do it before that to help save some vacation days for the hubs, or maybe do it the day after, and he'll be off all week... I just don't know. I guess we'll figure it out as we get closer. I'm just a freak and want to know NOW what is going to happen.

Now that we're half way as well, I can't figure out if this is gonna go by too slow or too fast. I need enough time to get ready for the baby coming home, but I also don't want the wait to seem like forever. :/

Like I said, it's a justin beiber song up here in my head right now. "Baby, baby baby, oh! Baby, baby, baby, no!" I'm sure posting constantly about the baby would get annoying, so until my brain switches gears, I'll probably not be on here too much.

But on the plus side, I am making a new years resolution 2 weeks late, to keep a better journal... or journals, I should say. I've got one for each other girls that I've written some letters in over the years, but I want to do better of writing things down for them, and also for this pregnancy and baby. Also, I need to keep a better personal journal. It always helps my issues to write them out, so I can recognize triggers and such, and what works, so I'll be working harder on that. And I'm also starting a Scripture journal. Or a gospel journal. I'm doing it a couple different ways, but I'm thinking it'll work. First, I'll be going through the scriptures, chapter by chapter, and writing what I learn and analyzing those chapters. Then as I learn more about different gospel topics, I'll be writing about those too. So I'll have a chapter section and a topic section. I'm making this journal on loose leaf notebook paper in a 3 ring binder so that I can always add to it. I've already gone through some of my favorite quotes and talks and added them to the topics they are about, and placed them in my  notebook. All I can say is I'm gonna need a bigger notebook. But I'm excited for these goals. And hopefully I can make them into habits and keep them up for a long time!

Only getting crazier

I am now a superhero.

That's right. I can create people out of almost thin air. 

Okay, so I didn't do it totally alone. The Hubs may have helped a bit.

So I'm growing another human being right inside of my torso.

That alone is a pretty amazing ability. But I also have a few others now. I can throw up an insane amount of food... food that I know never entered my body. I can also smell things from nearly a mile away. And I can either sleep through anything, or not sleep at all, in spite of how tired I may be. I haven't quite learned how to make that one work for my benefit, but perhaps I will at some point. 

Thanks to this person growing inside me, my hormones have been a raging!!! I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry at car commercials. I cry at Christmas songs. I cry at movie previews. All this crying, it's no wonder I've had issues with dehydration.

It completely 100% makes sense though. If I think Mirena made me crazy... Or worsened my depression or whatever... and now my body has like 400x more of those hormones coursing through my veins... It's a wonder I am able to shower, get dressed, and behave like a normal (though sobbing) human being. 

But things are looking up. I'm in the second trimester now... which happens to be my absolute favorite of all the trimesters. My energy levels are getting back to normal a bit. Though I'm still throwing up every now and then, I can usually eat pretty well and keep it under control. I can't sleep 15 1/2 hours straight like I did a few weeks ago, but that's okay. I plan on not sleeping a whole lot for the next couple years anyways. 

This morning was one of those dramatic sob filled mornings where I call my mama in a blubbering mess, one of those where she can't even make sense of what I'm saying. It's all just one jumbled sob. The tot had to have some dental work done. Having to see your child go through any kind of discomfort is painful for a parent. I sat in that waiting room for an hour (I couldn't be back there with her because laughing gas is not good for pregnant people) trying to swallow the knot that had formed in the back of my throat. I was terrified that one of the nurses or someone would say something to me and I would just start sobbing uncontrollably and they would think that I am crazy. I may need to mention that before they took her back there, Tot told the dental assistant (or whoever they are) that I am "weird." I didn't want to confirm it for them. 

But on the way home, the flood gates opened and I called my mama. How in the world that woman managed to do this 7 times is beyond me. This is only my 3rd but will most definitely be my last. I've had a bit of an issue with really being grateful for this child. I know that it is a miracle and precious. But I think with all the sickness and everything, I just feel disconnected. I know I will adore whoever this little person is the second I meet him/her. After all, I'm still amazed at how much I love tot and moo. This little bean won't be any different. I just have to make it another 6 months... but I can do it, even if I sob the whole way there. 

Buried Alive

I have been in a funk for quite a while now. Usually they don't last quite this long. I'm generally able to pull myself out of the funk by now, but for some reason I haven't been able to yet. It probably has to do with my crazy schedule at the moment and this stupid cold I've been fighting for a while...

But I feel like I've been buried alive. And I'm suffocating. I can't hardly even think from one moment to the next what I'm supposed to be doing, and that has lead to either too much or not enough sleep and me hardly eating at all. I've always been the kind of person who only eats when I'm hungry, but when I'm hungry... LOOK OUT. I haven't been hungry in quite a while. I can go most days without eating at all, but I have to cook dinner for my family, so I usually will at least eat that meal.

I don't know what to do to pull myself out this time. Nothing is helping, and some things I can't do because of circumstances at the moment, like exercise. I can't physically exercise right now because I'm constantly on the verge of an asthma attack thanks to this stupid cold. I get winded from simply walking up and down the stairs... I'm not about to step outside in the humidity and attempt to go running... or walking for that matter.

I haven't been able to clean my  home... yes I can pick it up and keep the general living areas okay enough... but I cannot wrap my head around the idea of cleaning. There's too much to do and not enough time or energy or focus and it's all so discouraging... I just avoid it all together.

I don't feel like writing. I have to force myself to write out my daily articles for the website and I have no more words left over after those 2,500... and it makes me a bit sad because writing used to help tons.

I need something to look forward to. Something to pull me back in. But everything I think of only makes me more anxious and depressed. It may be a bit before I get back into writing regularly, but hopefully I'll be able to come out of this funk soon and come back to reality. I really need to.