Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Tired and alone.

Feeling very lonely at the moment. I really am needing some help... desperately, and asking for it, and yet it seems like no one is answering. The friends who say "Let me know if you ever need a babysitter" can never babysit. The people at church who are there to help you out are all too busy to help you out. And family either has their own stuff going on or are all sick. So I'm left alone trying with everything in me not to lose it and to try and find a solution.

Tomorrow is going to be one of the most difficult days of my entire life. It will be Hell. Because I will be reliving, in explicit detail, the moments of my own personal hell. The moments that broke me, in nearly every single way possible. A wound that has abscessed, and needs to be cut out. And I'm doing that, taking the steps to cut it out and finally heal from it, but it's hard and it hurts and I'm alone.

I have been praying desperately for my Heavenly Father's presence through all of this, and I feel as if he's holding me up, because He knows I don't have the strength to do all this on my own. But there's only so much that spirit can do. It can't watch my kids for me. It can't give me a break from all the normal mom/holiday duties I've got going on in the background.

I am so grateful for that spirit of comfort, that has allowed me to get to this point, and to try and push forward, but I need more now. I need someone HERE. And when I look around, I don't see anyone. So what will have to happen, is I'll have to cancel the interview. Which only delays and prolongs the entire process, that in turns delays and prolongs the healing process.

But that's where I'm at right now. I've got nothing else. Time and time again I learn that the only people you can count on are Yourself, and Your Father in Heaven. And sometimes you can't even count on yourself.

It's not others faults. They have their own things. I understand, cause I have my things. It's just... hard. And I'm tired.

Friday, November 22, 2013

No, It's my stress, and I won't let it go!

I know I suck at blogging here lately... or maybe forever. But I try. It's the effort that counts, right? Maybe not on the internets.

Most of the things I'd probably be writing on here, I've been writing in a journal lately, and it's been a bit easier there, since no one will read it and I can be completely honest, which I can't be here, to be honest. There are trials and struggles I'd love to be open about, but this is not the forum. If you're interested, just ask. I'll let you know.

Anyways... There has been a ton going on. Internally and externally. This has been one of the most trying years for me health-wise. Physically and mentally. It has been very trying financially as well. Having a baby costs money. Did you know that? I  knew that, but had one anyways. God told me to. You're suppose to do what He says. But, OH, it's so much money. Money I'd rather be spending on other things. But I'm very grateful to have had my little baby this year, and since I did what I was suppose to, or inspired to rather, I know we'll be taken care of there.

That's what I was trying to kinda make my way round to... Faith. This post seems to be jumping around a little bit of everywhere, but it's really all about faith. There are many dark things in my life right now. Things that scare me, make me anxious, give me nightmares, and cause a lot of hurt and pain.  It's hard to make sure you see the "light" through all of that darkness. But even at times when I can't see it. I know it's there. I KNOW that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me. He said there would be steps into the darkness that I'd have to take along the way. As members of the LDS church, we know all about the iron rod. The rod we cling desperately to when we can't see for all the darkness around us. With that rod, we can keep trudging forward, keep working towards that ultimate goal.

For me, that rod isn't only the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's also my heart, spirit, soul, whatever. I know that if I do what I feel is right, I'll be okay. If I listen to those promptings, they'll lead me to where I need to go. Far too often I try to cling to the fear. If I don't worry about it, what if it sneaks up on me? If I don't stress about it, how will I figure out how to fix it? What I'm learning more and more is that all I have to do is trust in Him, and He'll take care of it.

My middle daughter is 5 now, and when she gets upset or hurt over something she locks up. She refuses to tell me what's wrong. I'll hold her gently and tell her "If you tell me what's going on, I can fix it. If you let me know, I can take care of it." But she is stubborn and insists on holding it in, holding it back, and not opening up and letting me as her mother do my job and take care of her. I realized, I do this over and over again with my Father in Heaven.

When I'm heart broken and everything around me seems to be falling apart, I clutch my problems as tightly as I can and refuse to hand them over. "NO, they're mine. I have to fix them." To Him, I'm his child, I can't see the whole picture, I can't see the solution, I can't see the end. I can only imagine his frustration with me, "If only you'd let go, and let me handle it, it'd all be okay."

So, I'm learning to have faith, to trust in Him. While I've always believed that Christ was the Son of God, I've rarely actually had faith in Him, the faith that He could take away all the heartache, the hurt, the pain, the sin. I haven't trusted Him to handle my issues how I want them handled. I've been that little kid struggling for control. But no more. I'm trying now, to just trust in Him. Allow Him to do what He does. And I know that it will all be okay. Maybe not right this second, but the assurance that it will be at some point is enough to get through the moment. And that's enough for now.