Sunday, July 29, 2012

My Invisible Friends

Okay... so I personally don't have invisible friends.  But my daughter does. I did not know this until last night on the way home from a baseball game and she started talking about her invisible friend... Tangled.

After she finished telling us about Tangled, I mentioned I'd never heard her talk about her Invisible Friends (imaginary friends... same thing. She calls them invisible because they're real to her, not imaginary... she just can't see them.) My husband said she's been talking about them for a little while now.

He actually said he freaked out a bit when she first started talking about them. He said he was worried she was "mentally broken."(I think he was joking... kinda) I CRACKED up laughing at this ... as someone who has felt mentally broken at times, this was just hilarious to me. Also at the fact that something that I thought was so NORMAL for a kid to do was something that troubled him.

Anyways, he said he actually googled about imaginary friends to see if our daughter was going to be weird or not (I'm actually all for having weird kids. Wouldn't bother me one bit.) Turns out, this whole imaginary friend thing is a big plus! Alot of kids with imaginary friends are very bright, creative, and can make excellent leaders later on in life (since they like being in control - hence making up friends where they dictate everything about that friend!)

I can totally see Moo being this type of kid. She's insanely creative, imaginative, and loves to be in charge. And I think this whole Invisible friend thing is actually kind of awesome. I want a few.

I want a gay invisible friend... a guy to tell me what to where, when to wear it, and compliment me endlessly on my looks. Though since he's made up in my mind, he'd really just be myself trying to talk myself into wearing the clothes I already own, and trying to make myself feel better when I feel I look frumpy.

I want an insanely confident invisible friend that does all those crazy things I want to do and don't have the courage (or balls) to do. This friend would rock. Her name would be Stevie and She'd dress just like Stevie Nicks... Total hippy. And she'd rock it too!

And I want an invisible encouragement fairy to follow me around constantly and take all the things I want to and tell me how I can do anything and can accomplish everything I want and just generally feed my brain full of awesome perky singsong pep talk. I'm picturing her a bit like the good witch from the wizard of oz, but rounder.

So, if you had an imaginary friend (or if you already do) what would he/she be like?

Friday, July 27, 2012

What would you do with your last day on earth?

(Sorry for not blogging... I told you school is starting... I'll be better about it all once that starts)

I was recently asked "What would you do with your very last day on earth, if you could go anywhere and do anything?"

Warning: My answer may bore the snot out of you... and you might not understand some of it if you're not LDS.

I have thought about this for the past 2-3 days... whenever the post was put up.  And I have come up with a few answers... Some make me pretty emotional. But as I've been thinking about it all, I tried to figure out what are my happiest memories. So here goes...

I would want to start my last day on a beach in the gulf coast. Something a little remote, cause I want this moment to be private. I want to sit and watch my hubby and our girls run and splash around and enjoy the sunrise and the rays on our skin and the dolphins off in the distance and the sounds of the water crashing onto the sand. I want to chase after them and have tickle wars and try and dunk Handsome and just enjoy my family in one of the most beautiful, relaxing places I've ever been.

Next comes food... at my mama's house. Everyone knows that nobody can cook like a southern mama. (Hence PAULA DEEN!) My mama is one of the best cooks EVER. Of course the menu would consist of Fried Okra, Fried Chicken (with her homemade honey mustard), Cucumber salad, Cornbread salad, maybe some of Big Mama's old recipes, and tons of other southern dishes. Oh, don't forget the sliced home grown tomatoes. (My mouth is watering just thinking about all of this food.) I would eat until I couldn't move.

I would go to the Nashville, TN LDS Temple where me and my Handsome were married and sealed for time and all eternity. I'd want to sit inside with him and talk about all our best memories... His crazy notes when we were dating, No lines at Disney World on our honey moon and then getting so sun burnt we couldn't move, our apartments, our home, Sady, our girls... How tiny they used to be, t-bone's "Ice", Moo's Buddha belly, how smart and beautiful they are... and forever - spending eternity with each other.

I would end my day on my mama's front porch... wrapped up in a blanket like she used to do with me when I was little and having troubles breathing. Me, Handsome, and our girls, would sit and watch the sun set and I would tell each of them how much I love them and why. And my day would end snuggled up with Handsome at home in bed.

Now that my eyes are all blurry and my throat is achy from trying not to cry... I want to ask you too, What would you do with your last day on Earth?  It can be anything... Handsome would go to Ireland to visit where his family came from. He'd want to experience as much of this world as he could in his last day of mortality. But what about you... Would you stay with what's comfortable? Spend time with family? Or do something you've always wanted, but never been able to? Like SkyDiving?

Also... I reserve the right to edit my answer at anytime ;)  There may be something awesome I'd want to do that I haven't thought about... Like maybe parasailing while we're there on the beach in the gulf... Yeah... I'd do that too.  Okay... Your turn!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Ode to my Hoodies

(I don't really have a ton on my mind right now, or not anything worth writing about. School is getting ready to start like next week and we're trying to get ready for that so if I'm MIA, don't freak. I'm around... just with other things on my mind.)

There are very few things I love in this world more than a HOODIE.

For me, it's like wearing a blanket. Only better... because it's not like a snuggie. And I wear them all year long. It could be 90 outside and you still might find me in a hoodie... sleeves shoved up to my elbows. Just ask my friends. They'll tell you. 

I own a few hoodies. 26 to be exact. I don't own 26 of anything else. I don't even have that many shoes (TOTAL... not pairs.)  But hoodies... I love em. Can't get enough of em! 

Some of my hoodies are over 10 years old.

And some are from the College years... or year... actually like 3 months. 
I went for 1 semester... don't judge. 

This next one is because I'm a Fan by marriage! Not that I'm not a real fan. I am. But I wasn't until I got married.

This next one is my favorite band. Kings of Leon. And I bought this at a concert. My second KOL concert actually.

And another fav... I got this one on vacation in Florida. I begged the hubs for a hoodie and he said yes with one stipulation. He had to pick it out. This is the one I had wanted anyways.

Having such a large collection there are some that never get worn. But I'm saving them. Because eventually I'm going to make one EPIC quilt out of all my hoodies. And it is going to be the most amazing quilt ever!

And then I'll get to start my collection all over... because you always have to have some hoodies to wear.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

No Phone Home

I got a new phone. 
That might not be a big deal to most people, but I have been without a phone since June 24th or something like that. That's right... NO PHONE AT ALL. 

I realized that I kind of like not having a phone. I like that I can hide away from the world. If I wanted to get a hold of someone, I had my ways. I did still have the internet after all... and that helped. There were just a couple times it really sucked, like needing to call my doctor, or the girls doctor, or the girls school, or family. But for the most part, It kinda rocked. 

So now that I have a phone again... I still have no numbers, so I can't call anyone really. Because I don't remember numbers except for the essentials, Hubby, the in-laws, and my parents. That's pretty much it. And to be honest, even if I had numbers, I probably wouldn't call because who actually calls anyone now-a-days.  Texting is so much easier... less personal for sure, but easier... faster too, unless  you're driving.  Then phone call it is, but again, that's usually only to one of the 3 previously mentioned peeps. 

So yeah... 
Anyways, since I kind of enjoyed living without a phone for a while, I may try it out regularly. Just take days off from my phone. 

Now if only I could do that with the internet!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Power of Vulnerability

My therapist sent this video to me. He actually told me to post it on here. I'm watching it while I write this... It's a couple minutes into it...

Watch it. No, Really.  Do it. You'll be glad you did

There is so much that I need to learn from this video. And so much I want to actively remember on a daily basis.

I'm going to write more about this later when I have time.

Thank you Therapist ;) You rock.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


I absolutely love clouds. I think they are some of the most beautiful things on this earth and many times when I see them, I feel as if God himself  painted them just for me.
 I was out driving earlier today and noticed the sunlight filtering through the clouds. We all know what the sun looks like. It is beautiful and magnificent all on it's own. But when that light shines through the clouds, It can be miraculous.
 Without those clouds, you wouldn't be able to see the rays of the sun, shining on everything. 
 Yes the sun would still be shining, but the clouds help make it that much more beautiful. 
I am grateful for my clouds, so that I can see those rays and appreciate their beauty that much more. 
I just want to say publicly that I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have never opposed my church or it's teachings. I fall short of perfection, as does everyone else in this world. We all sin differently. The purpose of my blog was Healing. I have many "demons" I'm trying to work through - drugs were not the answer so I'm trying some other alternatives, like writing (on the blog) and seeing an LDS Family Services Therapist. I know what my faults are and I'm working on them. I'm trying. I'm doing all that my Father in Heaven asked... To do my best and try my hardest. And I'm doing what I can. Writing on my blog helps to get these "demons" (not actual demons... just issues) out of my head so I can feel peace. The blog is public so that it may help anyone else out there who struggles the same way I do. I want them to know they're not alone, as I have felt for SO SO SO long. I know who I am, and what my strengths and weaknesses are. I'm trying.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Roger, the bird

We went to my parents house Saturday for a HUGE AWESOME event that I'm not allowed to talk about yet... if you're curious, ask me and I'll probably tell you (privately.) And when we pulled up and got out, I saw this little guy sitting in front of the garage door.

His name is Roger and he had a broken wing.

I called about 10 different places trying to find something open on a Saturday to take him in and get him help. Most places said they'd only euthanize him. Not an option for me. He seemed so healthy and lively... If he had looked bad, then yes, I think that would have been the compassionate thing to do. But Roger wanted to grow up. He has hopes and dreams man. (not sure Roger is a boy, but for the sake of this blog... he is. Plus I think he's so pretty, and aren't boy birds usually prettier than girl ones?)

Here you can see how he was holding his wing out.  It was so sad. Poor little guy was in pain for sure, but he was a fighter, a survivor. He's the most awesome bird ever.

We fed him some crackers (crumbled gold fish maybe?) I think he totally enjoyed them! We had to wait forever for a rehab center to finally call me back so we could take him there (it was a good 30 minutes or more from my parents house, which was already a 45 minute drive up there.) After a while, I was afraid of him getting dehydrated so we found this medicine dropper. At first he would NOT open that cute little beak of his. After a few times of putting the dropper up to his beak though, he learned that the water would come, and very quickly became enthusiastic about it. The second the saw that dropper he was like a newborn baby bird to a mama. His beak would open as wide as it could and he'd stretch that tiny neck up to get some water. It was so sweet. Roger definitely melted my heart.

He's great at taking photos also. 

Anyways, we left Roger (and a donation) at Walden's Puddle, an animal rehabilitation center here in Tennessee. They take in almost any animals native to Tennessee and some that aren't. I sat and talked with the girl at the desk for quite a while and learned all about their education program, where they travel around middle Tennessee teaching about the native animals. They have some special animals they take around with them also, including owls, raccoons, opposums, hawks, turtles, snakes, etc. I'm going to try to get something set up at my girls school and see if we can't get them to do an exhibit there this school year.

Anyways, Walden's Puddle does not charge for their services and they don't receive any Federal or State funding... it's all donations people. So if you have a few "doll hairs" you can spare, why don't you send them their way.  You can set up monthly donations or make a one time donation for any amount. I'm sure Roger will appreciate it!

I'm not sure we'll see Roger again. They were going to wrap him up to let his wing heal, then rehabilitate him back to the wild and then finally send him out into this wide world again. But I'm glad to know he'll be okay. Good Luck out there Roger!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Did I mention I sew?

I made this composition notebook cover tonight.
 The photos looks awful because I took them on my ipod on my bed sheet in the middle of the night. 
 I left my good camera at my parents.

Anyways, I did an applique of Beyonce on the front. 
Anyways... I like it. I added it to my etsy shop. Here it is, just in case you'd like one. I'm going to make some more later. I need sleep at the moment. If I can manage it.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

My Hell (Warning: May Trigger) (With UPDATE)

I sat down an hour and a half ago to begin writing out a story. This story is my story. It's terrible, and haunting, and makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

I am damn proud of myself right now. I just finished writing 17 pages worth. There is more to write but I cannot manage anything else at the moment. I have most of the major stuff written... kinda. I have more ideas and thoughts swimming in my head, but I'm physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I feel as if I have been beaten up and broken and left bleeding on the pavement. But I'm still proud. A bit scared of what I may do til sleep comes and replaces the thoughts in my head with some much needed nonsense...

But I just had a thought... I'll probably dream about it, about what I just put on paper to try to help ease it all out of my head. I will probably dream about him. The more I've thought about it, the more literal my dreams have been... no longer verging on metaphorical, but being much more straight forward. And it's scary. I wake up most mornings feeling as if I had been molested during the night. It's hard to share a bed with my husband when that is going on. It's hard to sleep at all when that is going on. So I've been staying up til the sun is rising and my eyelids can't possibly stay open for another second. I know those dreams are just that... dreams. They are not real. The touching, abuse, and trauma from them is not real. But the feelings, the pain, the hurt... all that IS real. And it sticks around, ruining my days and leading only to more sleepless/nightmarish nights.

And here are the chills, up and down my spine as I think about it all, like his nasty fingers on me. The headache and stomach ache have been there since I first began writing nearly 2 hours ago. The chest pains have come and gone while I wrote, depending on where I was in the story.

I'm scared to even move. I know I'm on the edge. Do I try to take something to calm myself down? Do I wake Handsome and ask for his help in distracting me? Do I just accept that my night is going to be Hell and get on with getting it over with? It's difficult because I guess I knew this would come from bringing up so much of the story to the forefront of my mind, So I probably shouldn't be writing it in the middle of the night, so that I can protect myself from moments such as this. But at the same time, This is about the only time I can find the privacy and "flow" to write it out.

I need something uplifting. Something to completely redirect my thoughts. Something to get these images out of my head. Anything to get HIM out of my mind. At least tomorrow(later today) I will be able to see my therapist and hash some of this out. But again, that will result in keeping all this in the forefront of my mind, leave it swirling in there, and it will be a shadow on the rest of the day. And handsome will not be home tomorrow night to be my safety net to catch me if/when I fall to far into hell. But a friend will be stopping by. Maybe the whole purpose of planning our catch-up was divinely inspired, so that I would not be alone during this time.

The most random thing I can think to do to lift my spirits at the moment is a McDonald's Rolo McFlurry. I love those freakin things. And I want one, right now. My reward, for a hard job well done. But I'm afraid to go alone. If I'm alone, I will feel the shadows behind me in the car. Not even the radio on full blast will shoo them away. If I'm alone there may be thoughts of self-harm that creep in, and I'm trying to avoid them at all costs... especially after I lost my head a bit this evening and hurt my thumb in a fit.

So I could wake Handsome up and see if he would be willing to go get me one, or ride with me. Pregnant women do stuff like that all the time right?  I have one awful baby in my head that needs a McFlurry to calm down... Only I can't use the excuse that he made me like that, so he had to deal with it... The exact opposite is true. He tries so hard to be understanding, to help, to relieve as much of the pain as he can, to be exactly what I need him to be (though most times neither one of  us know what that is.)  So If I wake him up to help me, there will be guilt from him losing sleep. He has work tomorrow, and scout camp after that. He needs to sleep. I need to be stronger. But as I said before... I'm tired. That story wears me out... and maybe I should have stopped before I got too deep into it.

Regardless, I need to stop thinking about this and find a distraction. Not sure what I'll find yet, but something (anything) has got to help.

I also found this website tonight. (  If you're trying to write about traumatic experiences in your life, this is a great place to go and check out. It helped me get started tonight. Maybe it could help you as well.

****I've had a few messages from people on FB and emails and others just checking on me to make sure I'm doing okay. I'm great. I ended up waking Chris up and we went to McDonald's at 3 in the morning (and they were busy... WTHeck?)  Turns out they were cleaning their ice cream machine, so no McFlurry, but Handsome helped me get my mind off everything and we laughed and laughed and ended up turning on the Princess Bride when we got back home. So yeah... I'm good. Thank you all for your concern and for making sure I'm doing good. I appreciate it and love you all.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

John Cusack makes me laugh (And he's hot. Win/Win)

I pretty much completely ignored the nablopomo blog prompt for yesterday cause I had nothing to say about it. But I blogged anyways, and part of the point of this is just to blog everyday... so yeah. I'm forgiven, right?

Today's prompt is to talk about my favorite comedian.

But how do I pick one? Do I pick a famous one? Or my favorite right now... I don't know. This is hard. I'm gonna go ask the hubs for some help.

I'm back. The reason for asking Handsome is because I consider him a comedy genius. In all honesty, he is probably my absolute favorite comedian. The crap he says and does is just insane!

When we were dating he would always tell me he loves me more than flies love poop. We actually had someone give us a wedding gift of "The Fly" on dvd and a pile of fake poop. I even just found a note from him. At the end he says, "I love more than flies love poopoo, more than homeless people love grocery carts, more than Michael Jackson loves little boys (now that's alot)" Obviously this was prior to Jackson's death.

Anyways, My favorite comedian, outside of my spouse... Still depends. Ugh.
Stand up Comedian: Mitch Hedberg. I love his weird sense of humor. Some quotes from him:
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Yeah, he was a hilarious man. We almost went to see him before he passed away. He was doing a show here in Nashville and I think some friends went.

Anyways, Another very favorite comedian of mine is JOHN CUSACK. I think he is hilarious. Kinda a dark sense of humor. It fits me and my personality very well. I think we'd be friends if we ever met. I'm actually watching one of his movies right now and I keep getting distracted by it, so I'm gonna go watch it right now.

Anyways, I love funny guys. John Cusack, and especially my hubby. Funny guys rock my socks off.

PS. I also am a huge fan of Jenny Lawson. I consider her a comedian as well. Just wanted to put that out there!

Not used to looking like this.

Most mornings when I wake up and look in the mirror, my only thought is,
"That will have to do."

I enjoy fixing my hair and doing my make up when I have somewhere to go or someone to see, but since I don't go or do anything, I hardly even get dressed, let alone fix myself up.

Today I had to make a video for a thing (maybe more to come on it later. Who knows. It's a secret... kinda.) and I didn't want to look like my usual frumpy mommy self. So I had my sister (who is a bit of a diva) come and fix my hair and make up.

Then she wanted to take some pictures and I went a bit crazy with it. I like 'em though. I feel like they look like me, even though I'm not really used to looking like this.

 this next one is one of my favorites. Not sure why. I just really like it.

 Here's another fav

 the one above and this one are also favorites. The one below may have to go on my banner.  Looks pretty crazy, if you ask me!

The Pivotal Moments

I went to see an old friend today. I haven't seen this gal in like 5 1/2 years. Last time I saw her was her wedding and I was preggers with T-bone. The way we met was interesting... destiny - to say the least.  Me and Handsome were bringing our friend, a recently single guy, to a church singles dance. We weren't supposed to be there, because we weren't single. There wasn't much point in him being there because he wasn't a member of our church at the time. But we all went. And there he met the woman who would soon become his wife, and later would be the mother of 3 of his children. And to think, he almost didn't go. And what if we hadn't invited him?

It's crazy to look back on life and see those very pivotal moments... the ones where lives change, where destiny steps in and sets things in motion.

There was one point in my life where I got a job out of convenience of location. It was right next to where my mom taught a bible study class every morning and since I didn't have a car, she could take me every morning and usually pick me up in the evening. There was no way to know all that would come out of that one job... I ended up being a teacher to a little boy who, along with his 2 older brothers, stole my heart. When I found out they were going to be separated in the foster care system, it tore me apart, and in turn, my parents ended up becoming foster parents for them in order to keep them together. My mom contacted our churches social services and found a couple who were interested in fostering and possibly adopting these little men. Many years and struggles and trials later, my little men have a wonderful mom and dad and have more love in their lives then they know what to do with. And it was because of a convenient job.

I feel like this year has been full of these tiny little moments all leading me down a path I would have never gone down on my own, all very pivotal in their own way. And there have been so  many people who have helped in leading me towards this path. I have no idea quite where this road is going, but I truly feel like it is where I'm meant to go. And I will follow it trusting that my Father in Heaven (or life or destiny or whatever you believe in) knows where I'm going and has a plan for me. I'm so excited to see where this road leads. It's been a pretty fun ride so far.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

UPDATE! My Love/Hate Relationship with Crochet

I love to crochet. I really do. I've been doing it since I was 5 and it helps my (undiagnosed) ADD. When I'm crocheting I can actually sit still for more than 10 minutes without being in front of a computer screen. I think I'm pretty good at crocheting. I can usually create my own patterns, and if not, I have yet to meet a pattern I couldn't work.  

Why do is this relationship a love hate? MY WRISTS. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. After an hour or two of crocheting, My hands and wrists are killing me. It's not fair. I want to crochet, but it can hurt. I heard once that typing can help balance the wrists out so there. My game plan (while I crochet a blessing dress for a friend's newborn) is to crochet, then write, then crochet, then write, then crochet... and on and on and on until the blessing dress is done (and maybe I've started on my book.) 

Anyways, Here's what I made last night. Also - These two pictures were both taken on the same flooring in my bedroom... What the heck? That carpet should be the same color!
Here's a newborn owl beanie! I really like it. I may have to make one for myself!
And here's a baby cocoon for the newborn photo shoot for my friend. Maybe I'll be able to post some pictures later with the baby actually in it.


Here's a photo of the cutest baby in the world in the beanie I made for her!
Photo: Because I know one proud mama who is dying to see the photos we took today...enjoy :)  (Super cute hat courtesy of Keaven Taylor Neely)

Also, you should go and like nu image studios on Facebook. They're amazing. And if you're anywhere in the Knoxville to Nashville area... Give them a call for all your photo needs!

Monday, July 9, 2012

"We Can't Get Out!" NaBloPoMo July 9th

"Do you think it makes it okay to add "just kidding" after a surprising statement?"

Nah. Only if you're truly kidding.

Now, I don't have much to write about this prompt, so instead of that, I'm going to share a "kid" video.

This video cracks me up. My little girl, moo, had shut the door to my office. She couldn't turn the handle to open the door so she thought it was locked. She is SO dramatic. She's gonna grow up to be a little comedic actress! My favorite part is when she really tries to push it down. I can't help but crack up laughing everytime!


My First Fellow Blogger Award

I received my first blog award and didn't even know it y'all! I finally realized it last night/this morning so here it is!

Thank you, thank you, thank you Crazy Mama (we have alot in common.) She can cuss like a sailor so all you mormon mommies have been warned. I think this is one of my favorite of her posts, and one of the first I ever read!

So here's the fun part...
The 11 questions are simple: choose one of each

Romance or historical - ROMANCE
Dystopia or Mystery - MYSTERY
Christian fiction or Sci-fiction - SCI-FI
Chick lit or Thriller - CHICK LIT
Poetry or Memoir - MEMOIR
Short stories or YA - YA
Historical Romance or Paranormal - PARANORMAL
Spiritual or Fantasy - SPIRITUAL
Cookbook or Health and Fitness - COOKBOOK
Erotic or Street Lit - STREET LIT
Super Hero or Fairy Tale - FAIRY TALE (with a cape)

11 Things about ME!
1) I hate the number 11, no really... phobia.
2) I'm constantly paranoid about what people are thinking.
3) I don't want to do anything today, but had planned on super cleaning my home. We'll see what happens.
4) My favorite sound in the world is my girls laughing.
5) I have a crush on my hubby
6) 3 is my favorite number ever. But I want 4 kids (an even number so everyone has someone to ride beside on a roller coaster.)
7) I've wanted to have another baby for a while, but now that it's almost time to start trying, I may be rethinking things.
8) I don't like to eat breakfast. It makes me sick.
9) I want to go to the library and find some good books, but I have a library fine that is hindering me from going.
10) Dr. Pepper is my boyfriend. I love it.
11) My baby is whining right now and It's driving me crazy. Seriously. I want her to go away. Not too far, just far enough that I can't hear the whining.

I have to answer 11 questions:
1) What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Well I was asked this question when I was a girl at girls camp (I'm still a girl, though no longer at girls camp.) Me and a friend tried to concoct the nastiest thing we could in order to win the Klondike bars. We threatened to give ourselves swirlies in the latrine. We won.
2) Paper or plastic?
This totally depends... But I'll go plastic. Takes longer to decompose, but it holds better.
3) 12/21/2012, what do you think?
I will be SO FREAKING SURPRISED if the world ends, but maybe something big happens.
4) Wanna dance?
OF COURSE! I love to dance, especially in my pajamas while I crank Prince and clean!
5) Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Katie stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
6) Can you wash your hands in public?
Yeah, most of the time, but the stupid toilets that flush on their own tend to ignore me. Maybe my butt is not quite big enough yet... A couple more kids will fix that, I'm sure.
7) Who do you think you are?
Last time I checked I was Keaven. I'm still kinda crazy. Still Mormon. I still stay at home. I love to sew, draw, paint, crochet, dance, sing, laugh, tickle, play yahtzee in bed with the hubby, and way too much more to write. I'll blog about it all one day.
8) Ever been hypnotized?
Nope, but I would like to!
9) Describe your blog in a word.
10) How bout mine?
Genius ;P
11) Count some of your blessings.
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six...
What? Is that not what you asked?
Fine. Here they are. This list is not all inclusive by any means cause we'd be here forever if it was...
My 2 beautiful smart daughters who make me laugh constantly.
My insanely attractive husband who also makes me laugh, especially when I don't want to.
Our beautiful home in the neighborhood we've talked about since we got married.
My calling at church.
My van we got from my parents.
Hubby's work, the security of it, how close it is.
Our 2 furbabies.
My family
My friends

I have 11 questions for my awardees:
1) If you could only keep one memory, what would it be?
2) Who is your best friend?
3) Do you act your age?
4) What is your favorite hobby?
5) Favorite food?
6) If you could speak another language fluently, which one would you speak?
7) Is the glass half empty or half full?
8) Google, Yahoo search, Bing?
9) If you could do or be anything (really ANYTHING) what would you do or be?
10) Who are your Heroes?
11) What is your favorite quality in another person?

The 3 bloggers lucky enough to win are:

Brittney at Boyfriend in my Pocket

Kelly at Princess & the Pi

Niven at The Diary of a Doormat

Just do what I did. Answer the first set of questions, then 11 things about yourself, then my questions for you. Then award 3 other blogs. Love y'all

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The "Shirt" Skirt

Here is my moo.
She is wearing her "shirt" skirt. You may be wondering what in the world is a "shirt" skirt. Well, It's a skirt that is actually a shirt. (She's holding up the sleeves of the shirt!)

About a year ago, we gave Moo (Mad-dog, whatever you want to call her) all of T-bone's hand-me-downs and this shirt was included. It's a real cute, satin, peasant cut top. Moo IMMEDIATELY loved this shirt, but would only wear it around her waist as a skirt (the neck of the shirt has elastic in it, so it will fit around her waist.) At first I kept getting on to her for it. She was ruining a super cute shirt, one of my favorites for her to wear. After fighting over this for a couple months, I finally realized that it was just a shirt... or just a "shirt" skirt. I gave in and let Moo start wearing this shirt as her favorite skirt. And she wears it ALL the time! Instead of fighting and us both getting annoyed and frustrated, I let her wear it, but only around the house. And ONLY when it's clean... that's the biggest issue now. I have to wash it at some point!

Also, I realized as I was taking a picture of the "shirt" skirt that Moo had put on numerous shirts while she was dressing herself.  
Yup, there are 4 different shirts on that girl... 5 counting her skirt. I love my crazy little girl. 

 And while I was taking these photos off my iPod for this post, I found this photo on there... 
and about 50 more just like it. I guess some one was playing with Mommy's iPod earlier today! At least this was kinda cute!

Depth of Feelings

I was thinking the other day about how bad I feel sometimes. It is overwhelming. It effects everything about me, my thoughts, my speech, my demeanor, my looks, my posture, how I treat myself and those around me... Sometimes it hurts so much that I would rather be done with life than to continue feeling that bad.
(I AM NOT SUICIDAL. AT NO POINT HAVE I WANTED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE!  Hurt so badly that I ache for the pain to stop, however that has to happen, yes... but end my life on my own? Nope. And that's not what this post is about anyways.) I have numerous times felt so horrible all I could do was curl up and cry, and not just crying to myself, but down on the floor in the fetal position sobbing so hard my entire body is shaking.

I've had so many people think that I'm just sad sometimes. I'm not sad sometimes. The heartbreak that I feel is not like some teenage girl trying to get over a crush. My whole soul wrenches. It aches. It pleads for peace, for a moment's peace... just a millisecond of hope to help me get through. Nothing really helps in those moments of complete despair and darkness. I can pray, receive blessings, try to read scriptures, try to talk about it, but usually it just has to pass. All I can do is to endure to the end.

I am not a sad person. I am not a depressed person. I am a happy person who happens to struggle with a disease. But I am kinda grateful in some ways for that disease. Because I have felt such pain, heartbreak, despair, darkness, I can celebrate the times I have happiness and peace and joy and laughter. I can be furiously happy and laugh my ass off at the hilarity of life because I have known the opposite. And to be honest, I think I would rather feel the extremes than to just kind of hang somewhere in the middle. I've been there (thanks to drugs) and did not like it.

I will take the tears, the hurt, the ache if it means I can laugh til my stomach hurts, I can be happy for those days where my mind is my own. I can dance around my home like an idiot and enjoy how good it feels to just be alive with my gorgeous little girls and my incredibly sexy husband. I can love the things in this life that make me happy and not be embarrassed by them or by who I am.

I have wondered over and over again why it is that I have to struggle with such a hard disease. It's not like there's one simple answer out there to make me better. Like with my Asthma, I have an attack, I use my inhaler, end of story. I know that cats trigger it so I stay away from them. It's easy. It's fixable. Depression is so much different. Yes there is medication, but often the side effects can be as bad as the symptoms. I have not taken an antidepressant in a month, yet I'm still having "brain shivers" from coming off of them. I don't want the meds. I don't want the side effects. I don't want to feel numb. If I have to feel this pain in order to feel the joy and happiness that I have had, then so be it. I will endure to the end. I will not give up, and I will also continue to appreciate the little things in this life that make me furiously happy.

The heart break that I feel sometimes is not just me feeling sad.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Sleep is overrated...

And that's my excuse for not doing it tonight. I can't believe I have almost stayed up til 5am. That pooh is crazy. Maybe I'll be able to sleep in a bit. Maybe I should try and go to bed before tomorrow. Maybe.

ANYWHO - I love music. It can help me sleep sometimes.
Here's a great song to relax and try to go to sleep to...
When I was in high school, I would put this song in my CD player and play it on Repeat with headphones on all night. It was wonderful. I always slept like baby.

Here's another one, I still and will always love this song.

My favorite line in that song is "I can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart, or dig myself a little hole, inside your precious heart." I wrote it on everything when I was in High School... notebooks, schoolbooks... whatever.

And last, here's a song that has kinda been my Anthem recently.

And on that note, I'm heading to bed. Sleep will come eventually, right? 

Friday, July 6, 2012

Where else can I whine but here?

This is MY blog after all, and I can whine if I want to.

Today sucks... For absolutely no reason at all. Okay fine... maybe there is a ton of shit on my  mind.

Want a list?

  • I'm worried about my sister
  • I need to call our car ins and switch it over
  • I need to call the dr office to schedule my daughter's apt to get her up to date on shots
  • I'm worried about the truck we sold to another sister
  • I need to call the hospital to schedule payments
  • I need to call a friend about writing for his website
  • I need to finish cleaning my house... no REALLY cleaning... Not just picking up and vacuuming, but dusting and washing and scrubbing and organizing.
  • I need to finish hanging up the laundry.
  • Both my daughters are sick from how hot it's been (they're both broken out all over their faces and backs and arms in heat rash.)
  • My yard is dead. I want a garden. I can't have one.
  • I need to take my dogs out but they stink and I don't feel good enough to give them a bath.
  • Hubby is at work so I'm left at home all alone to deal with this funk myself.
  • I lost my phone so I have no ones numbers and don't really know who'd I'd call anyways.
  • I need to finish a painting.
  • I need to finish coloring the  name signs for my nieces and nephews.

 I've tried distractions. I've tried working on my list. Nothing is helping and I just keep sinking farther and father today. It's BOLOGNA! I can't see that word and not say Bo-log-nah in my head. Just can't.

I need good pick me up ideas. Comment and let me know what you do to pick yourself up. I need some ideas...

So 1...2...3... GO.  Comment.  What are you waiting for? Hurry Up! Do it! NOW. 

Okay, I'm sorry for yelling. I just hate feeling funky. 

Writing day 5... Getting bored with it

There I said it... I'm getting bored with these prompts. Seriously...

"Do you come out and admit it when you're joking around, or do you leave people wondering?"

What the??? What kind of question is that? What's the relevancy? Whatever... I'll answer it. (I'm thinking I'm just extra tired and cranky at the moment. Don't take anything that will be said personally.)

I think I do generally admit when I'm joking... Like "Just Kidding... You're face doesn't actually look like a bull just crapped on it." Also, not admitting that I'm joking or, uh... that made it sound like I was saying "NO I wasn't joking" when I was. Let me start that sentence over. By not coming out and saying that YES I AM JOKING, I have started a couple arguments in my marriage. I think this usually happens when we're both tired. One of us is just tired and cranky and DONE and the other one is all butt crack slap happy and tries to make a joke about some random crap and then the other one takes it seriously at first and makes a snappy reply to which to the first one gets defensive and starts getting serious just when the second one realizes it was a joke and then tries to joke back, but OH NO, it's too late cause the second one already went and got all serious on the first one's ass... Yeah... Me and the hubs don't do this very often. 
Okay, So maybe we do! GOSH. Why do have to point out what an awful marriage I have.  JUST KIDDING!!!!

hahahahahaha... I just made myself laugh... for reals. That was an ACTUAL LOL!!!

Okay... so I've gone from cranky tired to slap happy tired in the past few minutes. 
Maybe this post wasn't such a stupid idea after all.

(I was totally gonna schedule this post to post on Friday then I looked at the clock and guess what? It is totally friday so I'm just gonna post it now suckas! Then I'm gonna go hit the hay! Night ya'll!)

Thursday, July 5, 2012

NaBloPoMo... day 4

So... Yesterday I was sitting at my in-laws house, just talking and watching everyone around me, when all of the sudden my Sister-in-law comes and starts picking fingernails out of my hair.

Yeah... You read that right.


They were her husband's.  He had been sitting behind me, chewing his nails off and flicking them in my hair. He thought it was funny... and it kinda is... except that it was MY hair.

Well, we all know what Pay Back is... right?
(I don't want to say it... or write it rather... Okay fine... It's a bitch!)

So today's NaBloPoMo is "What prank do you wish you had the guts or expertise to pull off?"

Well, dear brother in law of mine, here are some fun pranks I wish I could do back to you...

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


Today has been off and weird and moody and hot and random... I could go on forever. Needless to say, I can't wait for it to be over, but this post is not about today... At least not today today. This post is about past Independence Days.

I don't have a whole ton of memories about the fourth. I do remember going to see fireworks at the local park. I remember sitting in a Kroger parking lot watching fireworks being shot off across the lake. One of my favorite memories of fireworks actually has nothing to do with home.

There was one year I was in Arizona staying with my sister over the summer. There was a huge hill (baby mountain) at the end of my sisters street. We climbed up to the top of the hill and saw fireworks for ton of different cities in the maricopa valley. There was Mesa, chandler, Tempe, and who knows where else. I just remember the entire skyline was being lit by different firework shows, and it was amazing.

I do tend to get a bit choked up on the Fourth. I have an extreme love for this country I call home. I am proud of where I'm from and the heritage I have here. I'm grateful for my ancestors who fought for my freedom. I'm grateful to my grandfathers and uncles who served in our country's military. I cannot hear or sing the Star Spangled Banner without tearing up. And my heart swells with pride when I hear my little girls recite the nations pledge.

I truly feel blessed to have been born and raised here in the USofA. So on that note, happy fourth y'all. Now let's go play with some fire!!!

Wait... Stop Everything. I'm not ready for the 4th!

Yeah yeah, I know it's here already... but I'm not ready for it. 

I'm having a bit of a rough morning. I'm trying to ignore the shadow of impending doom that keeps following me around this GOSH DARN house but it's hard. 

So I'm about to pop in "I Love You, Man" and start on another painting. 

Then off to a birthday party, then maybe home? Not sure what after that. 

I'm just hoping and praying that this shadow goes away. 

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

1st Annual Mommy Blogger Scholarship

So, I just found this on Twitter...

(please note the badge on the right side of this blog... it may be towards the bottom)

As a new "mommy blogger", I think this scholarship thing is AMAZING and just finished my application. I wanted to share a bit of it with you if you don't mind...

The very last question on the application was
"What do you need most as a mother?"

And my response?

Charity - pure unconditional love.

I need this from the mothers around me - Do not judge me because I don't mother the same way you do. Do not judge me because my kids get high fructose corn syrup. ;) Love me because we are sisters. Love me because we both understand what it feels like to have our hearts and souls walking around outside our bodies. Love me because I need to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who's ever just thrown a towel on a pee stained bed and waited til morning to take the sheets off, that I'm not the only one who has gotten so frustrated at my kids I wanted to drop kick them. I need to know that I'm not the only one who would lose it all if I ever lost my children.

I need Charity from my children. I need for them to love me no matter what. Love me when I lose my patience. Understand that I'm not perfect, but I'm trying my best. Love me when I struggle to get off the couch to make them breakfast. Love me because I tease them about being zombies and bite their pudgy little cheeks. Love me for making them stick to their responsibilities and for not doing things for them that they can do for themselves.

I need This kind of love from my husband. I need him to support me... again understand that I'm not perfect. I need him to feel just as passionately about me as I do him. I need him to realize that the number one way to take care of our children is to take care of each other. I need him to be forgiving when the dishes and laundry aren't done. I need him to not care about the chaos of having 9 of our nieces and nephews spend the night, and for him to jump in and play right along with me and the kids. I need him to love me in spite of my depression and anxiety, my constant questioning of him. I need him to love me for my craziness. I need to know he will always be there, right beside me, supporting me, as I support him.

I need Charity from myself - and this is the hardest one of all.  I know my faults, my weaknesses, my desires, how often I give in, how often I feel guilt. I don't feel worth of those around me, my friends, my family, my children, my husband - heck even my house and my dogs. Being able to love myself regardless of all these things is one of the hardest at all, but the most desperately needed. You must love and take care of yourself in order to love and take care of others. It's not being selfish... it's appreciating this wonderful gift of life that you've been given. It's hardest to be compassionate and understanding with yourself, but it's the most crucial. This is something I have been learning over the past few months, and have tried to include in my blog. It's something I want other mothers/women/girls/humans to realize.

Love is what I need most. With that love from those around me and myself, I can do what I need to do to be the mother/woman/human I want to be (not perfect, but trying my hardest.)

If you are also a fellow mommy blogger, go check out the scholarship and apply.  It couldn't hurt, right?


Today's NaBloPoMo prompt is "Talk about the best prank you ever pulled."  

I'm not really sure that I've ever truly pulled a prank. But here's the closest I've ever come.

Years ago (okay, so it was a decade ago... holy crap I just felt old) there were these missionaries who were serving in my parents church. They were two young men... one about 23 or so and the other was 19. I had been having a very difficult time in life and became very great friends with these fellows. We would have some great talks that lasted way too late, and we wrote back and forth at least once a week.  These guys played a very significant role in me turning my life around at a crucial moment. 

Anyways - my mom taught an early morning bible study class to high school students called Seminary. These missionaries would come all the time. I think my mom became a bit like a mom away from home to them. We pretty much adopted these guys into our family. I'm not quite sure how it all got started, but we ended up pranking each other back and forth. They would do something to get my mom, we would do something to get them back. 

I think at one point they filled large cans full of dry beans and set them on top of one my mom's cabinets, or right inside the door, so when she opened it, they went flying EVERYWHERE. It wasn't hard to get these guys back... They left their apartment unlocked - ALWAYS... (me and some other friends even snuck in in the middle of the night one night to bring them a christmas tree while they slept. They weren't very smart about safety.)  So me and my mom and my sister loaded up a bunch of stuff and drove over to their apartment. And we rigged it.  My mom smothered their toilet in molasses... I think we may have done powdered sugar on their sheets... or maybe corn flakes.  We even went through their clothes and set up a dummy on their couch using a basketball as the head so they'd be freaked out when they came home and saw this person sitting there. 

We got the guys pretty good. They ended up taking a photo with the dummy we made while they held up a sign saying they were going to get us back. 

I remember them asking me to help them get my mom back and of course I obliged. They wanted a picture of my mama's booty. So one day after my mom was done teaching her class I grabbed her and hugged her and pulled top half down so that her butt was up in the air. I wasn't quite sure what they had planned to do with the photos but it wasn't too long after that they came back to class one day wearing some very special shirts they had had made... Featuring my mama's booty all blown up and saying "WE LOVE BECKYE!" <--(my mama if you couldn't figure that out.) 

I still consider those guys some of my best friends and pretty much family. We had a blast hanging out with them and I will always smile when I look back on those times.

I found photo evidence of the shirt these guys made of my moms behind

Monday, July 2, 2012

A BlogHer Virgin: My First NaBloPoMo

I am a BlogHer Virgin. I have read many other blogs that actively refer to it, some mentioning conventions and such but I have yet to really dive into it and figure out what it is all about. I recently read about NaBloPoMo... I kinda got what it was, but at the same time, had no clue exactlly what it was. So I googled,  I searched, I read... I joined.

So I guess I am now participating in this... NaBloPoMo July 2012: Kids

Today's prompt..
Your favorite joke.

That's a HARD one. 

I LOVE to laugh. My parents taught me the value of a sense of a humor. My husband is the funniest person on earth. My children can deliver jokes like you wouldn't believe. 

Jokes and laughter are a very important part of my life. I couldn't make it through any day without them.  But what joke is my favorite?

My mind tends to go towards the gutter on things. But then again, I have been known for my cheesy jokes with a side of corn. 

So many jokes to pick from... which to choose!?!

Here's a couple that can make me smile no matter what... It might have something to do with who's telling them. 


So, I have a friend who is all about Chakra at the moment. Being the curious cat that I am (or just procrastinating... yeah... procrastinating) , I've been online all morning googling Chakra and Mormon together to see how they all fit.  

I have always believed that there is more truth than the very basic mormon teachings... Not that I don't believe 100% in the LDS teachings. I do. But I am fascinated by the other stuff... less "doctorine" stuff and the more "up for your own interpretation" kinda thing. I have read many books like "the Secret" and watched videos like The Stickman Presentation and believe in certain universal laws that may not be preached about from a pulpit directly, but are still there, between the lines. 

Anyways... I found this article this morning on Chakras and Mormons and LOVED what it said... especially about TRUTH... Whether it's gospel truth or universal truth, it's all HIS truth. 

I'm completely fascinated now and want to read SO much more... but it's Monday and I need to get off here and clean my house, so it'll have to wait. :/ But I can't wait to learn more.  

Anyone else ever read or looked into this stuff before?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

My Zombie Family

If you didn't know... I'm a Zombie Mommy.  That's right... a ZOMBIE MOMMY.  And I have Zombie Children. Just ask them. They'll tell you. I'm a zombie mom cause I bite* them, and they're zombie children cause they like to bite their friends.  We even have changed the words of a beloved church primary song from "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" to "Jesus wants me for a ZOMBIE" and it includes the line, "in every way try to eat them... at home, at school, at play."

I love to bite Mad-dog and I tell her it's cause she's "juicy."  Hearing her chubby little face say "Cause I'm Jew-See" melts my heart. 

*Now I don't honestly BITE my children.  I tease them about biting them. And they don't bite their friends... at least they haven't  yet. I think they understand that all this zombie talk is a joke... but again, they're only 3 and 5, so who knows!

The point of this post???

I found this at the mall yesterday...

I about peed my pants I was SO excited. I HAD to buy it. 

I even stood barefoot on so hot it was melting pavement just to put it on my car today before church.
(kinda ironic in a way, right?)

The set only had one dog, though we have two... so that one sticker has to represent for both our beagles! 

Also, when we add more zombies to our little family, I've got the extra stickers for them! Woohoo.

I love my little zombie family. I love that they let me have my weird way... Especially my zombie hubby.  I'm sure when he was younger and imagined his future wife he was not imagining her pretending to be a zombie... but I think he loves me in spite of my craziness... or maybe even for it ;)

Bonus - if the zombie apocalypse ever really happens, I think we'll totally be safe cause of these stickers... whatcha think?