Valley

In exciting new news, we're having another girl. I should have realized... It was destiny. We're all way excited. We know girls, and we make some cute ones, so I'm not worried.

In other news, I'm in a valley. I've been here since Saturday. Sometimes I feel and think that it's looking back up, but it's not yet. I'm still here. I know this will happen from time to time. It just sucks. I'm happy... I really am. I'm so blessed in so many ways and I'm so grateful for those blessings. But it's like someone has flipped the switch and the light is not shining.

I'm feeling very alone, which is normal for these valleys. Handsome even told me last night that when I get like this I pull away emotionally from everyone, which just makes the loneliness even worse. And it's true. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or what. I tried to explain to him that I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed about the anxiety and depression. I'm embarrassed about all the negative thoughts I have in my head constantly.

Anyone who had someone following them around constantly harassing them would have a hard time. That's what I feel like. Only, it's not like someone's just telling me I'm weird or ugly or making fun of me. It's so much more serious, and made even worse, because it's me. I'm telling myself these things. And I know it's not true. Depression lies. I know this. But still, having to CONSTANTLY have these thoughts bouncing around in my head is hard.

This valley I'm in is stunting everything. All the good emotions I should be feeling right now. I feel like I'm holding this pregnancy at arms length away. I can't emotionally open up to it. I'm still having a hard time processing the fact that I'm having another child. It's almost like I'll wake up and it will have all been a dream.

I'm trying lots of things to get me out of this funk. I'm trying to make sure I leave the house, whether it's just to volunteer at school or go grocery shopping. Having a reason to get dressed is good. I'm also trying to make sure I keep busy, cleaning and doing things and not just sitting playing x-box or the wii or something (but I am allowing myself breaks to stop and relax a second and play a bit.) I want to start walking daily too. But it's so cold, I'm not sure if I can do that one right now, especially with the asthma. But even with trying these things, it doesn't feel like the fog is lifting yet. And I don't really know what else to do other than just keep trying and wait for it to leave. I know it will. It always does. Just like it always comes back. But atleast there is usually some peace to be found in between.

I know the sun is shining just on the other side of the clouds... I just can't see it right now. All I can do is wait til I can see it again.

Buried Alive

I have been in a funk for quite a while now. Usually they don't last quite this long. I'm generally able to pull myself out of the funk by now, but for some reason I haven't been able to yet. It probably has to do with my crazy schedule at the moment and this stupid cold I've been fighting for a while...

But I feel like I've been buried alive. And I'm suffocating. I can't hardly even think from one moment to the next what I'm supposed to be doing, and that has lead to either too much or not enough sleep and me hardly eating at all. I've always been the kind of person who only eats when I'm hungry, but when I'm hungry... LOOK OUT. I haven't been hungry in quite a while. I can go most days without eating at all, but I have to cook dinner for my family, so I usually will at least eat that meal.

I don't know what to do to pull myself out this time. Nothing is helping, and some things I can't do because of circumstances at the moment, like exercise. I can't physically exercise right now because I'm constantly on the verge of an asthma attack thanks to this stupid cold. I get winded from simply walking up and down the stairs... I'm not about to step outside in the humidity and attempt to go running... or walking for that matter.

I haven't been able to clean my  home... yes I can pick it up and keep the general living areas okay enough... but I cannot wrap my head around the idea of cleaning. There's too much to do and not enough time or energy or focus and it's all so discouraging... I just avoid it all together.

I don't feel like writing. I have to force myself to write out my daily articles for the website and I have no more words left over after those 2,500... and it makes me a bit sad because writing used to help tons.

I need something to look forward to. Something to pull me back in. But everything I think of only makes me more anxious and depressed. It may be a bit before I get back into writing regularly, but hopefully I'll be able to come out of this funk soon and come back to reality. I really need to.

Roller Coasters Make Me Sick

No really, they do. They kinda always have. I can handle a little bit at first... sometimes even 1/2 a day of it... but then something inside my head or whatever just clicks, and I can't take anymore. I love them though. I love the speed, my stomach flip flopping, the terror. Yes I'm afraid of heights, but that's not what stops me from riding. It the motion sickness. I can handle up and down okay. It's the round and round that gets me.

I've been on a different kind of coaster here lately. It's the round and round of depression that's making me sick... not just mentally, but physically as well.

Yesterday was amazing. I planned out the day and did most everything on my list. I had the strength to do it all and I kicked Monday's butt. Today on the other hand, I've been in my head. Remembering things I'd much rather forget. Thinking about people and places I wish didn't exist. Trying to tackle my to do list head on, only to have it knock me back on  my backside.

Depression is a lying bastard. Sorry for the harsh word. But it is. Anyone who has been there can attest to that truth. It tells you that you're nothing, you're worthless, you shouldn't try because you won't succeed. It makes you look at your blessings differently. You either don't feel worthy or you stop appreciating them. It makes you remember ever mistake you've ever made, things long since forgiven, things that no else remembers. But you do. Because depression makes you remember.

Over the past 4 months, I've been doing much better. I can handle most days. I might not be quite up to par with where I'd like to be, but I do pretty well. Those are the times I can handle, I can suck it up, I can stay on the coasters. After a while of riding, I get sick. I can't take it anymore. I want the ride to end. But it doesn't.

I can always think of things to do to help me feel better when I'm feeling okay. It's weird cause that's when I don't really need all the pick me ups. It's times like this, when I can't seem to even see straight that I need the help, but can't seem to find it ANYWHERE.

So today I feel awful. I can't even hardly think well enough right now to type. Every tiny thing is a distraction. Every tiny thing is a reason to give up. To not try and fight through it.

I know it won't last. For every low, there's a high just up ahead. For me, this is what enduring to the end really means. Though the depression is telling me to give up and give in, I'm not going to do it. I've got too much in life that makes me happy to let the Depression win.

So maybe I won't be able to completely enjoy doing the things I want to this evening, I'm going to do them anyways. Fake it til you make it... right? And maybe tomorrow won't be so hard.

Paralyzed

I am stressed to the max at the moment and when that happens, I stop doing everything, letting the to do list pile up and only increasing the stress level to the point where I explode and implode and it's all just a holy mess.

When I get like this, it usually ends one of two ways.
1. I get horribly sobby and hormonal and freak out on everyone and about everything until I give up on most of my to do list, making me feel like poop and starting a bad funk that takes me quite a while to get out of.
2. I get PISSED at myself for doing this all again and decide it's time I kick ass and get some crap done.

So... I am up tonight doing number 2 (No... not that number 2!). I have a few things written down that I am going to get done and I'm not going to bed until I do them. This could mean that I will be up into the wee hours of the morning. Actually, it definitely means that. Lucky for me, the girls have school tomorrow. So perhaps, if I get things ready enough, Handsome can get the girls off to school in the AM and I can maybe sleep in an extra hour or two before heading off to an appointment.

I'm hoping I can manage it. Sometimes the fire that gets lit under my behind tries to fizzle out. But all I have to do is look at that list again and I'm right back at being pissed that I have yet again failed to do the things I feel are necessary.

Do not think that this list is crazy crap and that I'm some sort of perfectionist. I'm not. I try to be realistic. The dishes need washing. The clothes need folding. The bills need paid. My work needs written. My goals need met. I don't expect to scrub every baseboard and finish every little sewing project I have in mind.

Yes, maybe I tend to overload myself... but if only myself was a bit more organized, I feel as if I could accomplish this all with no problem. There are plenty of hours during the day to do it, but as I said, I'm not organized, which is weird for a Virgo who LOVES to organize.

But I need to have a clean, steady home before I feel comfortable planning my time, and I can't have a clean home because I can't find the dang time to do it. It's a vicious cycle and I'm hoping I'll figure it all out one day.

For tonight though, I'm going to stay as pissed as I can. Angry cleaning is the best cleaning there is after all. Hopefully I can keep it up.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

My Hell (Warning: May Trigger) (With UPDATE)

I sat down an hour and a half ago to begin writing out a story. This story is my story. It's terrible, and haunting, and makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

I am damn proud of myself right now. I just finished writing 17 pages worth. There is more to write but I cannot manage anything else at the moment. I have most of the major stuff written... kinda. I have more ideas and thoughts swimming in my head, but I'm physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I feel as if I have been beaten up and broken and left bleeding on the pavement. But I'm still proud. A bit scared of what I may do til sleep comes and replaces the thoughts in my head with some much needed nonsense...

But I just had a thought... I'll probably dream about it, about what I just put on paper to try to help ease it all out of my head. I will probably dream about him. The more I've thought about it, the more literal my dreams have been... no longer verging on metaphorical, but being much more straight forward. And it's scary. I wake up most mornings feeling as if I had been molested during the night. It's hard to share a bed with my husband when that is going on. It's hard to sleep at all when that is going on. So I've been staying up til the sun is rising and my eyelids can't possibly stay open for another second. I know those dreams are just that... dreams. They are not real. The touching, abuse, and trauma from them is not real. But the feelings, the pain, the hurt... all that IS real. And it sticks around, ruining my days and leading only to more sleepless/nightmarish nights.

And here are the chills, up and down my spine as I think about it all, like his nasty fingers on me. The headache and stomach ache have been there since I first began writing nearly 2 hours ago. The chest pains have come and gone while I wrote, depending on where I was in the story.

I'm scared to even move. I know I'm on the edge. Do I try to take something to calm myself down? Do I wake Handsome and ask for his help in distracting me? Do I just accept that my night is going to be Hell and get on with getting it over with? It's difficult because I guess I knew this would come from bringing up so much of the story to the forefront of my mind, So I probably shouldn't be writing it in the middle of the night, so that I can protect myself from moments such as this. But at the same time, This is about the only time I can find the privacy and "flow" to write it out.

I need something uplifting. Something to completely redirect my thoughts. Something to get these images out of my head. Anything to get HIM out of my mind. At least tomorrow(later today) I will be able to see my therapist and hash some of this out. But again, that will result in keeping all this in the forefront of my mind, leave it swirling in there, and it will be a shadow on the rest of the day. And handsome will not be home tomorrow night to be my safety net to catch me if/when I fall to far into hell. But a friend will be stopping by. Maybe the whole purpose of planning our catch-up was divinely inspired, so that I would not be alone during this time.

The most random thing I can think to do to lift my spirits at the moment is a McDonald's Rolo McFlurry. I love those freakin things. And I want one, right now. My reward, for a hard job well done. But I'm afraid to go alone. If I'm alone, I will feel the shadows behind me in the car. Not even the radio on full blast will shoo them away. If I'm alone there may be thoughts of self-harm that creep in, and I'm trying to avoid them at all costs... especially after I lost my head a bit this evening and hurt my thumb in a fit.

So I could wake Handsome up and see if he would be willing to go get me one, or ride with me. Pregnant women do stuff like that all the time right?  I have one awful baby in my head that needs a McFlurry to calm down... Only I can't use the excuse that he made me like that, so he had to deal with it... The exact opposite is true. He tries so hard to be understanding, to help, to relieve as much of the pain as he can, to be exactly what I need him to be (though most times neither one of  us know what that is.)  So If I wake him up to help me, there will be guilt from him losing sleep. He has work tomorrow, and scout camp after that. He needs to sleep. I need to be stronger. But as I said before... I'm tired. That story wears me out... and maybe I should have stopped before I got too deep into it.

Regardless, I need to stop thinking about this and find a distraction. Not sure what I'll find yet, but something (anything) has got to help.

I also found this website tonight. (http://writingourselveswhole.org/)  If you're trying to write about traumatic experiences in your life, this is a great place to go and check out. It helped me get started tonight. Maybe it could help you as well.

****I've had a few messages from people on FB and emails and others just checking on me to make sure I'm doing okay. I'm great. I ended up waking Chris up and we went to McDonald's at 3 in the morning (and they were busy... WTHeck?)  Turns out they were cleaning their ice cream machine, so no McFlurry, but Handsome helped me get my mind off everything and we laughed and laughed and ended up turning on the Princess Bride when we got back home. So yeah... I'm good. Thank you all for your concern and for making sure I'm doing good. I appreciate it and love you all.

The Pivotal Moments

I went to see an old friend today. I haven't seen this gal in like 5 1/2 years. Last time I saw her was her wedding and I was preggers with T-bone. The way we met was interesting... destiny - to say the least.  Me and Handsome were bringing our friend, a recently single guy, to a church singles dance. We weren't supposed to be there, because we weren't single. There wasn't much point in him being there because he wasn't a member of our church at the time. But we all went. And there he met the woman who would soon become his wife, and later would be the mother of 3 of his children. And to think, he almost didn't go. And what if we hadn't invited him?

It's crazy to look back on life and see those very pivotal moments... the ones where lives change, where destiny steps in and sets things in motion.

There was one point in my life where I got a job out of convenience of location. It was right next to where my mom taught a bible study class every morning and since I didn't have a car, she could take me every morning and usually pick me up in the evening. There was no way to know all that would come out of that one job... I ended up being a teacher to a little boy who, along with his 2 older brothers, stole my heart. When I found out they were going to be separated in the foster care system, it tore me apart, and in turn, my parents ended up becoming foster parents for them in order to keep them together. My mom contacted our churches social services and found a couple who were interested in fostering and possibly adopting these little men. Many years and struggles and trials later, my little men have a wonderful mom and dad and have more love in their lives then they know what to do with. And it was because of a convenient job.

I feel like this year has been full of these tiny little moments all leading me down a path I would have never gone down on my own, all very pivotal in their own way. And there have been so  many people who have helped in leading me towards this path. I have no idea quite where this road is going, but I truly feel like it is where I'm meant to go. And I will follow it trusting that my Father in Heaven (or life or destiny or whatever you believe in) knows where I'm going and has a plan for me. I'm so excited to see where this road leads. It's been a pretty fun ride so far.

Depth of Feelings

I was thinking the other day about how bad I feel sometimes. It is overwhelming. It effects everything about me, my thoughts, my speech, my demeanor, my looks, my posture, how I treat myself and those around me... Sometimes it hurts so much that I would rather be done with life than to continue feeling that bad.
(I AM NOT SUICIDAL. AT NO POINT HAVE I WANTED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE!  Hurt so badly that I ache for the pain to stop, however that has to happen, yes... but end my life on my own? Nope. And that's not what this post is about anyways.) I have numerous times felt so horrible all I could do was curl up and cry, and not just crying to myself, but down on the floor in the fetal position sobbing so hard my entire body is shaking.

I've had so many people think that I'm just sad sometimes. I'm not sad sometimes. The heartbreak that I feel is not like some teenage girl trying to get over a crush. My whole soul wrenches. It aches. It pleads for peace, for a moment's peace... just a millisecond of hope to help me get through. Nothing really helps in those moments of complete despair and darkness. I can pray, receive blessings, try to read scriptures, try to talk about it, but usually it just has to pass. All I can do is to endure to the end.

I am not a sad person. I am not a depressed person. I am a happy person who happens to struggle with a disease. But I am kinda grateful in some ways for that disease. Because I have felt such pain, heartbreak, despair, darkness, I can celebrate the times I have happiness and peace and joy and laughter. I can be furiously happy and laugh my ass off at the hilarity of life because I have known the opposite. And to be honest, I think I would rather feel the extremes than to just kind of hang somewhere in the middle. I've been there (thanks to drugs) and did not like it.

I will take the tears, the hurt, the ache if it means I can laugh til my stomach hurts, I can be happy for those days where my mind is my own. I can dance around my home like an idiot and enjoy how good it feels to just be alive with my gorgeous little girls and my incredibly sexy husband. I can love the things in this life that make me happy and not be embarrassed by them or by who I am.

I have wondered over and over again why it is that I have to struggle with such a hard disease. It's not like there's one simple answer out there to make me better. Like with my Asthma, I have an attack, I use my inhaler, end of story. I know that cats trigger it so I stay away from them. It's easy. It's fixable. Depression is so much different. Yes there is medication, but often the side effects can be as bad as the symptoms. I have not taken an antidepressant in a month, yet I'm still having "brain shivers" from coming off of them. I don't want the meds. I don't want the side effects. I don't want to feel numb. If I have to feel this pain in order to feel the joy and happiness that I have had, then so be it. I will endure to the end. I will not give up, and I will also continue to appreciate the little things in this life that make me furiously happy.

The heart break that I feel sometimes is not just me feeling sad.

Sleep is overrated...

And that's my excuse for not doing it tonight. I can't believe I have almost stayed up til 5am. That pooh is crazy. Maybe I'll be able to sleep in a bit. Maybe I should try and go to bed before tomorrow. Maybe.

ANYWHO - I love music. It can help me sleep sometimes.

Here's a great song to relax and try to go to sleep to...

When I was in high school, I would put this song in my CD player and play it on Repeat with headphones on all night. It was wonderful. I always slept like baby.

Here's another one, I still and will always love this song.

My favorite line in that song is "I can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart, or dig myself a little hole, inside your precious heart." I wrote it on everything when I was in High School... notebooks, schoolbooks... whatever.

And last, here's a song that has kinda been my Anthem recently.

And on that note, I'm heading to bed. Sleep will come eventually, right? 

Where else can I whine but here?

This is MY blog after all, and I can whine if I want to.


Today sucks... For absolutely no reason at all. Okay fine... maybe there is a ton of shit on my  mind.


Want a list?

• I'm worried about my sister

• I need to call our car ins and switch it over

• I need to call the dr office to schedule my daughter's apt to get her up to date on shots

• I'm worried about the truck we sold to another sister

• I need to call the hospital to schedule payments

• I need to call a friend about writing for his website

• I need to finish cleaning my house... no REALLY cleaning... Not just picking up and vacuuming, but dusting and washing and scrubbing and organizing.

• I need to finish hanging up the laundry.

• Both my daughters are sick from how hot it's been (they're both broken out all over their faces and backs and arms in heat rash.)

• My yard is dead. I want a garden. I can't have one.

• I need to take my dogs out but they stink and I don't feel good enough to give them a bath.

• Hubby is at work so I'm left at home all alone to deal with this funk myself.

• I lost my phone so I have no ones numbers and don't really know who'd I'd call anyways.

• I need to finish a painting.

• I need to finish coloring the  name signs for my nieces and nephews.

 I've tried distractions. I've tried working on my list. Nothing is helping and I just keep sinking farther and father today. It's BOLOGNA! I can't see that word and not say Bo-log-nah in my head. Just can't.


I need good pick me up ideas. Comment and let me know what you do to pick yourself up. I need some ideas...


So 1...2...3... GO.  Comment.  What are you waiting for? Hurry Up! Do it! NOW. 


Okay, I'm sorry for yelling. I just hate feeling funky. 

Wait... Stop Everything. I'm not ready for the 4th!

Yeah yeah, I know it's here already... but I'm not ready for it. 

I'm having a bit of a rough morning. I'm trying to ignore the shadow of impending doom that keeps following me around this GOSH DARN house but it's hard. 

So I'm about to pop in "I Love You, Man" and start on another painting. 

Then off to a birthday party, then maybe home? Not sure what after that. 

I'm just hoping and praying that this shadow goes away. 

1st Annual Mommy Blogger Scholarship

So, I just found this on Twitter...

The 1st Annual Mommy Blogger Scholarship

(please note the badge on the right side of this blog... it may be towards the bottom)

As a new "mommy blogger", I think this scholarship thing is AMAZING and just finished my application. I wanted to share a bit of it with you if you don't mind...

The very last question on the application was

"What do you need most as a mother?"

And my response?

Charity - pure unconditional love.

I need this from the mothers around me - Do not judge me because I don't mother the same way you do. Do not judge me because my kids get high fructose corn syrup. ;) Love me because we are sisters. Love me because we both understand what it feels like to have our hearts and souls walking around outside our bodies. Love me because I need to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who's ever just thrown a towel on a pee stained bed and waited til morning to take the sheets off, that I'm not the only one who has gotten so frustrated at my kids I wanted to drop kick them. I need to know that I'm not the only one who would lose it all if I ever lost my children.

I need Charity from my children. I need for them to love me no matter what. Love me when I lose my patience. Understand that I'm not perfect, but I'm trying my best. Love me when I struggle to get off the couch to make them breakfast. Love me because I tease them about being zombies and bite their pudgy little cheeks. Love me for making them stick to their responsibilities and for not doing things for them that they can do for themselves.

I need This kind of love from my husband. I need him to support me... again understand that I'm not perfect. I need him to feel just as passionately about me as I do him. I need him to realize that the number one way to take care of our children is to take care of each other. I need him to be forgiving when the dishes and laundry aren't done. I need him to not care about the chaos of having 9 of our nieces and nephews spend the night, and for him to jump in and play right along with me and the kids. I need him to love me in spite of my depression and anxiety, my constant questioning of him. I need him to love me for my craziness. I need to know he will always be there, right beside me, supporting me, as I support him.

I need Charity from myself - and this is the hardest one of all.  I know my faults, my weaknesses, my desires, how often I give in, how often I feel guilt. I don't feel worth of those around me, my friends, my family, my children, my husband - heck even my house and my dogs. Being able to love myself regardless of all these things is one of the hardest at all, but the most desperately needed. You must love and take care of yourself in order to love and take care of others. It's not being selfish... it's appreciating this wonderful gift of life that you've been given. It's hardest to be compassionate and understanding with yourself, but it's the most crucial. This is something I have been learning over the past few months, and have tried to include in my blog. It's something I want other mothers/women/girls/humans to realize.

Love is what I need most. With that love from those around me and myself, I can do what I need to do to be the mother/woman/human I want to be (not perfect, but trying my hardest.)

If you are also a fellow mommy blogger, go check out the scholarship and apply.  It couldn't hurt, right?

Brain Overload

Yesterday was rough. Anyone who is my friend on FB or Twitter can vouch for me. 

I'm feeling much better, but the roughness is still lingering in the back of my mind, along with all the normal craziness. I got out of bed today around 3... PM. I've been sitting on the computer since then. My stomach and head hurts from no food, but I'm waiting til we all eat dinner together. 

My happy thought for the day, Magic Mike.

I will be seeing it tonight with a great friend. 

We both need the break. 

So my brain is on overload, but I can't wait to shut it off and enjoy a trashy movie with great lady. 

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend. 

My first vlog... Don't make fun

So I was driving home today and had so many things in my mind about my blog, so I figured before I forgot it, I'd just video tape it!!!

 And thus, my first vlog was created!

(You can make as much fun of me as you want... just don't do it where I can here you! You will hurt my heart if you do. And then I'll punch you in yours. (Why are little people so violent? Seriously... I don't know why we are... I just know we are!))

I just got home about an hour ago and I have to say that I LOVE my kitchen.  

I'm trying to get the photos of it from my iPod to my computer but for some reason they're both stupid at the moment and I can't get it done... so I just tweeted one of the photos and I'm hoping I can get it on here from there...

FINALLY... That only took my like 20 minutes. GOSH!

Anyways... About my therapy thing today... There is a traumatic event in my past that I need to get over. My therapist is having me write it all down in extreme detail and we're going to go over and over and over it until it loses it's power. It's a GREAT plan and I can't wait to get to the end of this plan where this event doesn't bother me anymore... but it's SO hard to get started.  Just thinking about this event makes me sick to my stomach and makes my skin crawl... trying to write down every detail at the moment seems impossible. But I know I'll get there... Like I said in the video, my therapist said every writing session is going to wear me out mentally and emotionally so I'll need to be ready to do something to lift my spirits afterwards... any ideas?

Welp, I'm gonna go watch 21 Jump Street now with my wonderful Handsome while our little girls sleep in their own beds for the first time in over a week. Night y'all!

Raw

So, I can't bring myself to write this post. My emotions have been severely raw because of some therapy stuff and I realized I've been hiding these emotions from everyone, including myself.

I need to be honest and open and real about it all, but I can't at the moment. Beginning would only bring hours of tears and heartache and I'm not ready to face it right now... I'm kinda sick... Physically... and that makes the mental and emotional stuff only that much harder.

I also am staying at my mom's and dad's right now and I'm surrounded by prying eyes.  Not that my family pries, but me having an emotional breakdown with everyone watching is not ideal.

So yeah... My emotions are crazy raw and I'm trying to find the strength to be honest.  It's not coming yet, but I'm admitting that I need to get there... That's a step in the right direction, if only a baby one.

But be prepared, at some point the words will start to flow and I don't think I'll be able to hold them back.

Do it for yourself.

I have a friend (I'll call her Sam) who is one of my three heroes. I met Sam about 7 years ago I think. I could go on and on about how amazing she is, all that she has endured and overcome, but most of it is pretty personal and I don't feel comfortable sharing it all on here, but in my opinion, she's had WAY MORE than her fair share of trials in this life. Seriously... It's unreal!!!

I went out to see Sam yesterday very last minute... I called on the way. She was welcoming as always. I love going to her farm.  Yes she has a farm! And it has everything a good farm has, cows, horses, chickens, rabbits, baby wild turkeys, a fully stocked pond with a dock to have picnics on... It's heaven on earth. My girls have a BLAST every time we go and it makes me ache to have them grow up in the country, but I digress.

When I first met Sam, we were instantly friends. Over the years she has become family. Every time I see her I know more and more that we were meant to be in each others lives. Yesterday, Sam and I sat in her room on the floor and talked for a couple hours. I had no idea how badly I needed that. 

Sam has been through much of the same things I have in life and has many of the same issues (anxiety, depression, etc.) I was telling her about my struggle and the ways I'm trying to overcome it. I told her about being molested when I was 14, and feeling so sad for that little girl I was then. Sam told me she had been molested as a child as well. She told me she calls her younger self the "Summer Child." I told Sam about how I want to get better for my Handsome, for my girls, for the children we have yet to have... Sam told me something amazing.

The only way I will truly get better is to get better for myself. I will only truly overcome this awful disease if I do it for my own  "summer child." I have to get better for that 14 year old girl who was hurt so badly. I have to get better for the 40 year old woman I will be someday. I have to get better for the 80 year old woman I will be. 

It's weird when I say it out loud, but I don't feel like the me right now is worth it... is worthy of me being better, of me feeling better, of me being happy. But when I think about that girl I was, I want to get better to avenge what happened to her, the hurt she felt. When I think about the future me, I feel like I owe it to myself to do this. 

I have tried to wake up in the morning and think, "I need to shower, shave my legs, fix my hair and do my make-up  for Chris. I need to make a schedule for my girls." Everything I try to do, I'm doing for someone else. But I need to want these things for me. I need to make myself feel worthy again. And by slowly doing things like getting dressed and dolled up for myself, and no one else, will help me rebuild the relationship with myself, help  me realize my own self worth, and hopefully, help me to stop the self abuse. 

Thank you Sam. You help me to see that I am worth something. You help me feel that I am not alone. You uplift me so much. I pray that I help you do the same. I feel strong because you can see strength in me. I hope you feel the same. Thank you for all you have taught me and for being my sister. I adore you lady. 

From now on... I'm doing this for myself.

Cleaning is good for the soul

I woke up this morning feeling like the pooh... and I don't mean Winnie.

(Yes, I like my jokes extra cheesy.)

(And sometimes dirty.)

My home has been a MESS lately and though I've had the desire to clean it, I could never quite get to that point mentally or physically. I was overwhelmed by it all and just couldn't make myself do it.

Today I did it. For the most part... the kitchen and some laundry is all that is left and it feels good. I've heard the saying over and over again that cleanliness is next to Godliness. And I completely believe that is true.  In order to be a peace mentally, your home and surroundings need to be at peace as well... at least for me they do. Otherwise I sit there thinking about all the things I need to do and just more and more anxious over doing them and become paralyzed by the anxiety to the point where dirty laundry will sit for weeks and I'm on the verge of turning my underwear inside out so I can keep ignoring the stinky pile of clothes begging to be washed.  (that may have been the longest sentence I've ever written without a comma.)

But anyways - The relief I feel from having done the work, the pride I feel at having the will power to get over my funk and just do it... It's wonderful.  Yeah I still feel a bit like pooh... but it's more of a good pooh... more like Winnie and less like #2.

But on those days when I really can't make myself face the dishes (or crumbs on the carpet from the girls sneaking a bag of potato chips into their room... they're grounded now BTW) I remember something my mama taught me.

Dishes are the most patient things in the world. They will sit and quietly wait for you until you are ready to do them. Laundry as well. Sometimes there are more important things that can use whatever attention I can muster up. And this poem reminds me of what one of things is...

If you're not broke...

don't read this.

I consider myself broken. I am not whole, perfect, or normal by any means. 

I look at women who have it all together, women who are pretty,  women who are tall, women who parent with gentle voices and don't threaten to eat their children, women who can work and take care of their house, women with clean homes, women with clean clothes, women with children dressed in the latest trends, women with their hair done, their nails done, their make up perfect... and I envy them.

I think they must be better than me, normal. I assume they think they're better than me. 

I judge them and I do it harshly. I almost kind of hold myself separate from them because I consider myself broken. They could never understand me. They would never be able to relate to my struggles or my issues or my trials. In some ways it makes me feel better to judge. Then I can feel a bit better about the fact that my home is not clean or my hair is not fixed because these women feel they are too good for me so I don't have to talk to them and let them judge me while I judge them in return.

Over the past month of me writing this blog I have received so many emails and messages from people, some of whom I have been judging. They said thank you for my honesty about my struggle and related their own struggles to me and it opened my eyes in so many ways.

We are all broken in one way or another. No one in this world is whole or even normal.

We have to quit judging. We have to quit comparing. We have to realize we're all just doing our best with what we have and what we can handle. We have to stop comparing our worst to others' best. If we saw each other at that lowest point, we would feel nothing but compassion and empathy for one another. So many women have shown me just that, compassion and empathy, because I am putting my lows out there for the world to see. I have felt so uplifted by their messages and their reassurances that I am not alone. 

I'm making a new goal for myself - NO MORE JUDGING.

I'm going to try not to judge those women around me who I think have it all and have it all together, because they don't. I'm going to quit judging myself based on some imagined "perfect mom" that I think I should be. I'm going to try to realize we're all doing what we can with what we have, and that's all that is required of us. 

I'm going to try to be more friendly and open to the women I meet. 

I think this will help be a bit happier, and love myself and those around me a bit more. Hopefully I can have more charity for everyone... after all... We're all broke. Every single one of us. And if we realize that maybe we can help fix ourselves and maybe others too.

UPDATED: In this corner, at 4'10 5/8"...

So, Not really sure what I'm going to write right this second, but I feel the need to post today.

I am myself at this moment. I LOVE feeling like myself.  Knowing who I am in my own skin.  Not feeling like something else is taking over and controlling me. I feel like most of the time I'm in a boxing match against the depression. Sometimes I can knock it down long enough to get something done.  Other times, I'm KO'ed in one hit and out for the rest of the match... But more and more often recently I have felt like myself.  I think this is mostly due to my crazy pill, but I'm hoping that with some big changes (mentioned previously) that I will be able to not need any medication to feel like myself.

Because I feel like me today, I'm going to get some cleaning done. Hopefully my house will be spotless before I go to bed tonight. Now that I've posted this on here, and on Facebook earlier today, maybe that will make me do it.  Can y'all hold me accountable? Everyone come over to inspect my home at 8! No, let's make it 10!  Come on over and see how clean my house will be.  There will be refreshments... served on the floor of course... because it will be clean enough to eat off of!

Okay, so enough procrastination. I'm off to clean while I'm me. Hope y'all are all having a good day today too. Here's hoping I've knocked out the depression long enough to get this crap done!

UPDATE:
http://thebloggess.com/2012/05/it-comes-around-and-around/
My hero posted this today... Making me even more grateful that I'm having a good day.

Also... The downstairs is spotless and the girls are falling asleep as I type.  So excited to get the upstairs cleaned and my craft corner set up in my room so I can sew. Maybe I'll even post some photos when I'm done. 

If only life was like Jeopardy

And we had the answers to our questions before we knew what the question was... but that's not the case.

Answers don't come until they're meant to and that can be hard to accept.

I've received some answers to prayers recently and I am SO grateful for them.

I know what I need to do and what steps I need to take to get better.

The two biggest things I need to do to help myself get over all my issues is to get rid of my IUD and then to also start seeing a therapist.  

My IUD - I had no idea that Mirena could trigger depression but after a quick google search, this is what I've found...

http://mirenadiaries.wordpress.com/

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a25179647/mirena_and_depression

http://fogbegone.blogspot.com/2009/03/mirena-iud-depression.html

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex-and-relationships/medicines/mirena.html

Uh... I can tell you right when my depression started... We thought it was postpartum, but it was about the time Mad-dog was 3 months old... and I had my IUD inserted.  DUH! I've struggled with it since then. Me and Handsome have talked about it numerous times thinking it was coincidence and maybe I should have it removed just to see... This past weekend, with the issues I've been having (more on that later, I'm going to the doc today to get answers and I'll post once we know more on what's up with my body) I feel like we have previously been prompted that this is a cause... now it's like I'm being shoved to have it removed. So out it's gonna come!

And the therapist... obviously I struggled with depression long before I had my IUD inserted and most of them come from things that happened to me in the past. I need to see someone who can give me the tools to move on and forget... or to atleast adjust better. I have a tendency (more like consistency) to judge myself too harshly. I need someone to help me learn to think better... So I'm going to set up an appointment today to see someone.  For those who are LDS, I'm going to be using the church services to try and find someone. That way they'll understand how my faith and standards fit in to all this. 

Anyways - I now have the motivation I need to move past this, to get well and and go from being the bad kinda crazy to the bad ass kinda crazy. Here's to hoping the answers I found are the right ones!

Reflecting

I've been doing some reflecting about past posts. The very first post on this blog makes me cringe. I can't believe that all my crazy is out there for the world to see and read and judge. It almost makes me panic and I want to delete it and erase it, but at the same time, having it out there makes me feel strong. Like I'm standing up to the depression and facing it head on instead of backing down, and hiding it, ashamed.

A few posts ago I mentioned the fact that I have been molested twice in my life. One I can remember and one I don't. Some people in my circle (family and friends) only knew about one of these instances if any at all. Announcing it on here was a huge step for me. Putting something I have kept secret for half of my life on the internet for the world to read was difficult to say the least. I posted it so that people might understand me more or better, so that they would know where it is I come from and how some events in your life can truly effect your mental health, whether you are conscious of them or not.

I have realized there may be people who read that and are offended. Crazy as it may sound, and maybe this is all in my head, but there are those who are extremely close to me that I have never said about about the "events" to. I feel as if they may be offended that I didn't confide in them or go to them when these things happened.

I want to start by saying that they should not be offended. These events involved no one else expect me and one who hurt me. I had many reasons for not exposing what took place, and because I was still a child at the time some of those reasons may seem petty or even silly, but they were my reasons and should still be respected. I did not share these events with some because I was hurt. They were there when all this took place and while I screamed out in my heart to God that they would be prompted to come save me, no one came. Others I feared would take what happened and twist it to use to their own advantage, holding it against those involved and only causing more drama in a severely dramatic situation. Some I just felt as if it was none of their business. Others I thought would judge me because of it, because I was too scared to fight back.

Regardless of my reason for not telling some of my closest family and friends of these experiences, I made the decision long ago. If you are hurt that I did not tell you originally, I do apologize. Maybe I should have been more open about what happened. But I was hurt, scarred, and scared. It has been a shadow with me through out much of my life and I'm tired of it following me around so I'm leaving it here. I have forgiven those involved, those who personally and physically hurt me and those who didn't come to my rescue. I'm moving on as best as I possibly can and maybe one day I will be able to truly forget about it.

Part of me kind of wonders what my life would have been like if I had been open about what happened.  Would the abuser have been charged with a crime? Tons of heart ache and issues I have had and still have could have been avoided, I'm sure. But I made the choice then not to come out about it and I have dealt with the consequences. I have prayed about it and even spoken with bishops about it and how to handle the telling of certain individuals about it all. I'm not sure that it even matters now though. It's so far in the past, it wouldn't change the future if I did.

Anyways - Thinking on that too much brings me down, and that's the opposite of what I need today, so there. Happy thoughts now.

It's the last week of school before summer... the last summer before both daughters are in school. Time to plan and play (and clean... blah)

Maybe some of this will help someone to deal with their own depression or "events" that occurred. Maybe it helps others to be open and honest. Maybe it'll just help my friends and family understand me a bit better. If you're reading this though, let me know. I'd love to know you're there and that I'm not just typing into nothing.

That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.

Elizabeth Wurtzel

From Book Prozac Nation