Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Only getting crazier

I am now a superhero.
That's right. I can create people out of almost thin air. 

Okay, so I didn't do it totally alone. The Hubs may have helped a bit.
So I'm growing another human being right inside of my torso.

That alone is a pretty amazing ability. But I also have a few others now. I can throw up an insane amount of food... food that I know never entered my body. I can also smell things from nearly a mile away. And I can either sleep through anything, or not sleep at all, in spite of how tired I may be. I haven't quite learned how to make that one work for my benefit, but perhaps I will at some point. 

Thanks to this person growing inside me, my hormones have been a raging!!! I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry at car commercials. I cry at Christmas songs. I cry at movie previews. All this crying, it's no wonder I've had issues with dehydration.

It completely 100% makes sense though. If I think Mirena made me crazy... Or worsened my depression or whatever... and now my body has like 400x more of those hormones coursing through my veins... It's a wonder I am able to shower, get dressed, and behave like a normal (though sobbing) human being. 

But things are looking up. I'm in the second trimester now... which happens to be my absolute favorite of all the trimesters. My energy levels are getting back to normal a bit. Though I'm still throwing up every now and then, I can usually eat pretty well and keep it under control. I can't sleep 15 1/2 hours straight like I did a few weeks ago, but that's okay. I plan on not sleeping a whole lot for the next couple years anyways. 

This morning was one of those dramatic sob filled mornings where I call my mama in a blubbering mess, one of those where she can't even make sense of what I'm saying. It's all just one jumbled sob. The tot had to have some dental work done. Having to see your child go through any kind of discomfort is painful for a parent. I sat in that waiting room for an hour (I couldn't be back there with her because laughing gas is not good for pregnant people) trying to swallow the knot that had formed in the back of my throat. I was terrified that one of the nurses or someone would say something to me and I would just start sobbing uncontrollably and they would think that I am crazy. I may need to mention that before they took her back there, Tot told the dental assistant (or whoever they are) that I am "weird." I didn't want to confirm it for them. 

But on the way home, the flood gates opened and I called my mama. How in the world that woman managed to do this 7 times is beyond me. This is only my 3rd but will most definitely be my last. I've had a bit of an issue with really being grateful for this child. I know that it is a miracle and precious. But I think with all the sickness and everything, I just feel disconnected. I know I will adore whoever this little person is the second I meet him/her. After all, I'm still amazed at how much I love tot and moo. This little bean won't be any different. I just have to make it another 6 months... but I can do it, even if I sob the whole way there. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Buried Alive

I have been in a funk for quite a while now. Usually they don't last quite this long. I'm generally able to pull myself out of the funk by now, but for some reason I haven't been able to yet. It probably has to do with my crazy schedule at the moment and this stupid cold I've been fighting for a while...

But I feel like I've been buried alive. And I'm suffocating. I can't hardly even think from one moment to the next what I'm supposed to be doing, and that has lead to either too much or not enough sleep and me hardly eating at all. I've always been the kind of person who only eats when I'm hungry, but when I'm hungry... LOOK OUT. I haven't been hungry in quite a while. I can go most days without eating at all, but I have to cook dinner for my family, so I usually will at least eat that meal.

I don't know what to do to pull myself out this time. Nothing is helping, and some things I can't do because of circumstances at the moment, like exercise. I can't physically exercise right now because I'm constantly on the verge of an asthma attack thanks to this stupid cold. I get winded from simply walking up and down the stairs... I'm not about to step outside in the humidity and attempt to go running... or walking for that matter.

I haven't been able to clean my  home... yes I can pick it up and keep the general living areas okay enough... but I cannot wrap my head around the idea of cleaning. There's too much to do and not enough time or energy or focus and it's all so discouraging... I just avoid it all together.

I don't feel like writing. I have to force myself to write out my daily articles for the website and I have no more words left over after those 2,500... and it makes me a bit sad because writing used to help tons.

I need something to look forward to. Something to pull me back in. But everything I think of only makes me more anxious and depressed. It may be a bit before I get back into writing regularly, but hopefully I'll be able to come out of this funk soon and come back to reality. I really need to.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Roller Coasters Make Me Sick

No really, they do. They kinda always have. I can handle a little bit at first... sometimes even 1/2 a day of it... but then something inside my head or whatever just clicks, and I can't take anymore. I love them though. I love the speed, my stomach flip flopping, the terror. Yes I'm afraid of heights, but that's not what stops me from riding. It the motion sickness. I can handle up and down okay. It's the round and round that gets me.

I've been on a different kind of coaster here lately. It's the round and round of depression that's making me sick... not just mentally, but physically as well.

Yesterday was amazing. I planned out the day and did most everything on my list. I had the strength to do it all and I kicked Monday's butt. Today on the other hand, I've been in my head. Remembering things I'd much rather forget. Thinking about people and places I wish didn't exist. Trying to tackle my to do list head on, only to have it knock me back on  my backside.

Depression is a lying bastard. Sorry for the harsh word. But it is. Anyone who has been there can attest to that truth. It tells you that you're nothing, you're worthless, you shouldn't try because you won't succeed. It makes you look at your blessings differently. You either don't feel worthy or you stop appreciating them. It makes you remember ever mistake you've ever made, things long since forgiven, things that no else remembers. But you do. Because depression makes you remember.

Over the past 4 months, I've been doing much better. I can handle most days. I might not be quite up to par with where I'd like to be, but I do pretty well. Those are the times I can handle, I can suck it up, I can stay on the coasters. After a while of riding, I get sick. I can't take it anymore. I want the ride to end. But it doesn't.

I can always think of things to do to help me feel better when I'm feeling okay. It's weird cause that's when I don't really need all the pick me ups. It's times like this, when I can't seem to even see straight that I need the help, but can't seem to find it ANYWHERE.

So today I feel awful. I can't even hardly think well enough right now to type. Every tiny thing is a distraction. Every tiny thing is a reason to give up. To not try and fight through it.

I know it won't last. For every low, there's a high just up ahead. For me, this is what enduring to the end really means. Though the depression is telling me to give up and give in, I'm not going to do it. I've got too much in life that makes me happy to let the Depression win.

So maybe I won't be able to completely enjoy doing the things I want to this evening, I'm going to do them anyways. Fake it til you make it... right? And maybe tomorrow won't be so hard.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


I am stressed to the max at the moment and when that happens, I stop doing everything, letting the to do list pile up and only increasing the stress level to the point where I explode and implode and it's all just a holy mess.

When I get like this, it usually ends one of two ways.
1. I get horribly sobby and hormonal and freak out on everyone and about everything until I give up on most of my to do list, making me feel like poop and starting a bad funk that takes me quite a while to get out of.
2. I get PISSED at myself for doing this all again and decide it's time I kick ass and get some crap done.

So... I am up tonight doing number 2 (No... not that number 2!). I have a few things written down that I am going to get done and I'm not going to bed until I do them. This could mean that I will be up into the wee hours of the morning. Actually, it definitely means that. Lucky for me, the girls have school tomorrow. So perhaps, if I get things ready enough, Handsome can get the girls off to school in the AM and I can maybe sleep in an extra hour or two before heading off to an appointment.

I'm hoping I can manage it. Sometimes the fire that gets lit under my behind tries to fizzle out. But all I have to do is look at that list again and I'm right back at being pissed that I have yet again failed to do the things I feel are necessary.

Do not think that this list is crazy crap and that I'm some sort of perfectionist. I'm not. I try to be realistic. The dishes need washing. The clothes need folding. The bills need paid. My work needs written. My goals need met. I don't expect to scrub every baseboard and finish every little sewing project I have in mind.

Yes, maybe I tend to overload myself... but if only myself was a bit more organized, I feel as if I could accomplish this all with no problem. There are plenty of hours during the day to do it, but as I said, I'm not organized, which is weird for a Virgo who LOVES to organize.

But I need to have a clean, steady home before I feel comfortable planning my time, and I can't have a clean home because I can't find the dang time to do it. It's a vicious cycle and I'm hoping I'll figure it all out one day.

For tonight though, I'm going to stay as pissed as I can. Angry cleaning is the best cleaning there is after all. Hopefully I can keep it up.


Saturday, August 11, 2012

Some Videos and a Link

I apologize that I haven't posted since Sunday. I'm still trying to get used to the girls being in school, writing my articles on and just life in general.

Today, I'm a bit emotional... thank you hormones. Just what I needed. Any thing I would write today would probably only end up with me "going off" or me going into stuff y'all don't want to know anything about... Anyways... I'm not going to write too much today. Just share some stuffs.

My baby brother got engaged a little while ago. He re-wrote a popular song and sang it to his lady ;) Kinda cute.


He also sang "I'm Your's" before he sang the proposal song... 

(This song has a special place in my heart. My brother sang it to me at my baby shower when I was pregnant with my first little girl!  Also, both of those boys are my baby brothers ;) They're not too shabby huh?)

I found this hilarious video today about the town I grew up in... I'm not sure if it'd be funny to anyone except people who know the area, but I'm sharing it anyways... I'm proud of my hometown!

If you notice in the previous videos of my brothers, they're singing at "The Streets of Indian Lake" in front of that restaurant that's been closed for over a year! lol. I love H'ville!

And lastly, I'm hosting a 31 party for a friend of mine. This friend is awesome and has a crazy month ahead of her. My party is closing on Monday, but if you all are interested in a bag or something, please check out this site and help us out ;) I'll owe you big time!

Thanks y'all! Have a great weekend!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

We have some winners!!!

Did you see my post about the giveaway? If you didn't already comment on it, sorry but it's too late! We have three winners!

The winning comments are

Congrats on the 30 followers! All the milestones are worthwhile; keep writing!

Dude! Free stuff? I am all over that! AND you already have my e-mail address over on FB so it's like we're already halfway there!
Congratulations on 30 stalkers! That is fabulous!
And please note how excited this comment is by the number of exclamation marks.

I'm not listed in your awesome blogs.... :-(

Congrats ladies! You can email me your addresses to I can't wait to get your surprises together and send them out! I hope you love them!

30 by 30

With my birthday coming at the end of this month, I have decided to create a small bucket list. I will be 28 this year, so that leaves 2 more years in my 20's. I made this little list of things to do before that 30th birthday gets here. So here ya go...

30 by 30
  1.  Run a half marathon, the Warrior Dash, and the Color Run.
  2. Take a road trip by my lonesome and stop whenever I want.
  3.  Take ball room dancing lessons.
  4. Find my go to Karaoke song.
  5. Have baby number 3.
  6. Turn an internet only friend into a real life friend.
  7. Ride in either a Hot Air Balloon or a Helicopter, maybe both, not at the same time.
  8.  Have a large vegetable garden and keep it alive.
  9. Do a family hike and camp out trip.
  10. Write letters and send picture regularly to family.
  11. Learn how to really play the guitar.
  12. Go someplace I need a passport for.
  13. Visit Niagra Falls.
  14.  Tour the "mormon" trail.
  15. Catch up on all my scrapbooking.
  16. Ride a horse again.
  17. Participate in a flash mob.
  18. Volunteer regularly
  19. Take the kids to Disney World
  20. Visit Harry Potter world
  21.  Do an anniversary photo shoot for our 10 year (kinda like an engagement shoot)
  22.  Paint all the rooms in the house.
  23. Attend a giant music festival (bonnaroo?)
  24. Have Blue/Turquoise hair… this is gonna happen!
  25. Fill out our family tree book for the kids.
  26. Train my dogs so they don't drive me crazy.
  27. Go white water rafting with Handsome, this time on the same raft as my hubby ;)
  28. Write in my journal weekly at least.
  29. Get a gun license and learn to use the dang thing.
  30. Read start to finish all the Scriptures. (Old and New testament, BOM, D&C and PoGP)

Saturday, August 4, 2012

BlogHer 2013 Giveaway.

BlogHer is giving away a chance to attend their 2013 convention in Chicago. I am blogging for a chance to win and to tell you all you may have a chance to win too if you go here... and enter. Do it. And if you win, remember to thank me!

My Hope

And here’s the thing that I keep thinking about: so I do something really sucky and stupid and everyone looks at me like I’m a Klingon for a second; then what? Who cares? Is anyone going to stab me in the gut with a javelin? Is the government going to repossess all of my belongings for writing a bad blog post, or getting a script rejected a thousand times, or forgetting important birthdays? No. And I think the simple reason behind it is that no one cares as much about what I’m doing as I do. In my mind, the process of me failing starts with people saying, “She’s terrible,” and ends with them saying, “let’s murder her in the alley.” When in reality, it’s more like, “She’s terrible. Ooohh…nachos!”

I read the previous quote in a blog by Melanie Crutchfield. I had my idea for this post before reading hers because of another friend who had blogged about the Hope 2012: A Blog Relay. What she says here has alot to do with my post though, so I figured I'd include it... Now onto my post. 

Hope 2012: A blog relay

I have always been the kind of person who was too worried about what others thought.  It has caused issues my entire life, and I wish it was just something that I could just STOP doing… but alas, I've done it for as long as I can remember.

In fact, one of my very first memories is about getting my feelings hurt when I heard my parents laughing about me singing along to a Whitney Houston tape. I think I was like 3 or 4. As a parent, I realize that what I was doing much have been crazy cute to them and that they were probably laughing because of how adorable I was (and still am!) At least, that's what I do, as a parent. But even then, I took what THEY were doing and let it affect how I viewed myself. I still feel uncomfortable singing in front of people.

This type of behavior has affected my WHOLE life. I remember feeling "uncool" as young as first/second grade. I remember feel laughed at or made fun of, when I'm sure others had much better things to do than worry about me. The worry and concern over what everyone else is thinking has followed me into adulthood. And it has been a thorn in my side the entire time.  

I recently had some enlightenment regarding my worry. I was actually trying to defend some previous actions, and it hit me… "WHY!" I realized a lot of things at that moment.

People are going to think whatever they want about you and generally it has nothing to do with who you actually are, and more to do with who THEY are - their own personal perceptions, struggles, worries, issues, experiences, beliefs, etc. You can try to explain what you believe is true until you're blue in the face. It does no good. People form their opinions around experiences and perceptions, most of which are skewed to fit what they NEED to believe at that time.

I have been terrified my whole life of not being liked. I have no idea why… I'm a nice person and I try to be kind… what's not to like ;) But still… It's a HUGE fear. So when I perceive things, that fears skews it. For example, if I walk into a room and I'm not part of a conversation, I worry that it's about me and the people talking are bashing me or whatever. In a way, this is really kind of conceited. Nobody is really talking about me… and if they are… so what. How does that change who I am? How does that make me feel bad? More than likely, most conversations that I worry about have absolutely NOTHING to do with me. And even if they do, I am the one who gives it the power to affect me. My whole view of others is skewed by my own personal fears.

But with this realization that people are going to think whatever they want about me (and that's their right) I have robbed this fear of its power. LET THEM TALK… they're probably not talking about me, and if they are, who cares! I can be myself and not worry about what anyone else thinks… Liking me and being okay with me is all that matters. I have my own personal standards that I try to align with my understanding of the Gospel of Christ. No one except for my Father in Heaven is my judge.

“Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”

James E. Faust

Letting go of this fear has also helped me to be more genuine. When I'm not trying to fit what anyone else wants or expects of me, I can be more of myself. And I am so much happier for it. It's exhausting trying to be what everyone else wants you to be or expects you to be (or what you THINK they want and expect you to be.) And you don't have to do it. I can figure out what I want for myself, what standards I want for myself, what my personal beliefs are, where my faith lies.

I have realized that my Heavenly Father does not want me to fit some cookie cutter mold. That was Satan's plan… for us not to have choice or be different or unique. My Father in Heaven created me different from everyone else… just like everyone else. No one else has my soul, my experiences, my thoughts, my strengths, my weakness, or my perceptions. He doesn't expect me to try to be like anyone else… only to be the best that I can.

I have also learned to be more understanding of others, more accepting. I do not know their thoughts, experiences, perceptions, etc… And because of that, I cannot judge their words or actions. That's not my place or my job. It's my job to be a listening ear and a sympathetic arm. It is my job to be encouraging and uplifting. That's it.

“Genuine hope is urgently needed in order to be more loving even as the love of many waxes cold; more merciful, even when misunderstood or misrepresented; more holy, even as the world ripens in iniquity; more courteous and patient in a coarsening and curt world; and more full of heartfelt hope, even when other men’s hearts fail them. Whatever our particular furrow, we are to ‘plow in hope,’ without looking back or letting yesterday hold tomorrow hostage (1 Cor. 9:10).”

Neal A. Maxwell

This enlightenment has given me one of the greatest gifts in this whole world. HOPE. I have hope for the future that I will be able to learn more about whom I am and what I am here to do and accomplish.  I have hope that I will overcome my ridiculous fears and my awful thoughts that come with depression. I have hope that I will be able to teach this same understanding to my daughters, and that they will then be able to grow into good, strong, confident women who are examples to those around them. Maybe I can also help others to realize this about themselves too. That you don't have to be afraid of what anyone thinks. You only need to worry about what YOU think. If YOU are okay with YOU, the no one else can break you down. I have hope for the future. And that helps me to be happy with today. 

Now it's time to pass the torch on. Keep it going... What gives you Hope? Hope in anything, the future, humanity, the weather... any of it. Just blog about Hope ;) 

Friday, August 3, 2012

I wrote a blog post tonight that I can't post so instead...

(don't worry, it wasn't bad... it's actually pretty stinkin funny and maybe I can post it soon, just not yet.)

so instead... I'm doing a giveaway... I had promised a couple fun ladies a little while back a goody for answering a question and I completely blanked on it... SORRY. But here's a second chance. 

I hit 30 followers! To some that's like... nothing. To me it's huge. 30 of you read me somewhat regularly! And I want to say thank you! So... I have 3 prizes I'll be sending out to random people who comment on the blog. The prizes will be surprises, nothing crazy huge, but definitely fun and something I personally would be crazy excited to get in the mail. 

All you have to do is comment! Make sure I have a way of contacting you to get an address also! You don't have to post it here, but atleast FB me or give me an e-mail or your own blog link or whatever, so that I can tell you when you win. If we only have 3 comments, you'll all get something. But I would really like for you to tell your friends. When I get 50 followers, we'll do another giveaway for 5 people... so if you don't win this time, you can tell your friends and maybe you will next time.

Okay... So comment! And good luck!

So I totally didn't put any kind of time limit on this thing... SORRY. I'll be picking winners on Sunday evening... not sure what time... So hurry and comment and tell your friends! 

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

My brain may just pack up and leave me. It's already distancing itself...

I'm a bit on overload at the moment. I realized today that I am keeping so busy, I'm becoming a bit numb. Too much to do, hence too little time to sit and really think about things and work on stuff that needs dealing with. School started today for the girls. I got a job writing for I'm crocheting and sewing and drawing and cleaning and helping a friend plan her wedding. And I'm trying to work on me. Okay... so I've been avoiding that last one. After a couple very intensely emotional weeks, I needed a break. But I kinda went extreme with it and won't allow myself to really get emotional over anything. It's not smart, and this whole busy bee thing will only lead to a crash and a funk if I don't watch it and ensure that I'm taking care of myself during it all. (UGH, I'm trying to remember all the things I talked about with the therapist today, and I can't remember it all... I wonder if he'd mind if I started taking notes.)

So, my brain is getting aggravated with me, I'm sure. I'm kinda tuning it out and shutting it off and just going through motions without feeling or thinking. Some of that is good. The bad thoughts need to go. But, that doesn't mean the good have to go with them. And in all honesty, some of those bad thoughts are necessary and can lead to good enlightened thoughts when dealt with the correct way... by figuring out why they're there and how to refashion them or praying for inspiration on how to fix them. That may be very vague... did anyone get that?

SO, I've been writing alot. Over 2500 words a day actually. But it's all celebrity news for the (Go check them out and tell your friends... Please? Thanks!) That's a bunch of words though. And that does not include facebook and twitter... this blog... or my narrative. The last two I need to work on much more... and probably will focus more on them next week while the girls are gone to school. This whole writing all the time thing is never something I really thought I'd do, but it kinda fits in some ways.

A decade ago it seems like all I did was write. I wrote notes constantly in High School, plus, you know, school work. I also constantly wrote poetry and stories (most were very dark and kinda disturbing now that I look back on them.) And when I wasn't writing that kind of stuff, I kept journals. I was actually VERY thorough with them, right up until I met my husband and we got married and all that jazz. I even have a list in one of them of every boy I've ever kissed. I started it when I was 14 and had my first kiss. Not sure it's the hubs favorite, but all that matter is his name is last on it, right?

Okay... So, I used to write ALOT. I have actually kept alot of it too. I have all my poetry and stories, I've kept all my journals, and I've even kept some letters and notes from high school. A part of me feels like there's a reason to keep them. I feel a need to share my story, if for nothing else than to put it in writing so that I personally can learn from it. Once I can put words to emotions and events, I can take them and figure them out, pick them apart, try and learn whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from them.

Okay... so... the point of this post... I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off because I'm trying to avoid feeling... that directly affects the blog and my narrative because they're usually all about feeling and issues and such. So, I'm going to remember to BREATHE. To take care of myself. To take advantage of those moments when I get lost in housework and such, but also allow for moments of feeling, whether it's good or bad or ugly. I'm going to work more on the 'for me' writing. And hopefully my brain won't hate me and punish me with a funk. Hopefully.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

My Invisible Friends

Okay... so I personally don't have invisible friends.  But my daughter does. I did not know this until last night on the way home from a baseball game and she started talking about her invisible friend... Tangled.

After she finished telling us about Tangled, I mentioned I'd never heard her talk about her Invisible Friends (imaginary friends... same thing. She calls them invisible because they're real to her, not imaginary... she just can't see them.) My husband said she's been talking about them for a little while now.

He actually said he freaked out a bit when she first started talking about them. He said he was worried she was "mentally broken."(I think he was joking... kinda) I CRACKED up laughing at this ... as someone who has felt mentally broken at times, this was just hilarious to me. Also at the fact that something that I thought was so NORMAL for a kid to do was something that troubled him.

Anyways, he said he actually googled about imaginary friends to see if our daughter was going to be weird or not (I'm actually all for having weird kids. Wouldn't bother me one bit.) Turns out, this whole imaginary friend thing is a big plus! Alot of kids with imaginary friends are very bright, creative, and can make excellent leaders later on in life (since they like being in control - hence making up friends where they dictate everything about that friend!)

I can totally see Moo being this type of kid. She's insanely creative, imaginative, and loves to be in charge. And I think this whole Invisible friend thing is actually kind of awesome. I want a few.

I want a gay invisible friend... a guy to tell me what to where, when to wear it, and compliment me endlessly on my looks. Though since he's made up in my mind, he'd really just be myself trying to talk myself into wearing the clothes I already own, and trying to make myself feel better when I feel I look frumpy.

I want an insanely confident invisible friend that does all those crazy things I want to do and don't have the courage (or balls) to do. This friend would rock. Her name would be Stevie and She'd dress just like Stevie Nicks... Total hippy. And she'd rock it too!

And I want an invisible encouragement fairy to follow me around constantly and take all the things I want to and tell me how I can do anything and can accomplish everything I want and just generally feed my brain full of awesome perky singsong pep talk. I'm picturing her a bit like the good witch from the wizard of oz, but rounder.

So, if you had an imaginary friend (or if you already do) what would he/she be like?

Friday, July 27, 2012

What would you do with your last day on earth?

(Sorry for not blogging... I told you school is starting... I'll be better about it all once that starts)

I was recently asked "What would you do with your very last day on earth, if you could go anywhere and do anything?"

Warning: My answer may bore the snot out of you... and you might not understand some of it if you're not LDS.

I have thought about this for the past 2-3 days... whenever the post was put up.  And I have come up with a few answers... Some make me pretty emotional. But as I've been thinking about it all, I tried to figure out what are my happiest memories. So here goes...

I would want to start my last day on a beach in the gulf coast. Something a little remote, cause I want this moment to be private. I want to sit and watch my hubby and our girls run and splash around and enjoy the sunrise and the rays on our skin and the dolphins off in the distance and the sounds of the water crashing onto the sand. I want to chase after them and have tickle wars and try and dunk Handsome and just enjoy my family in one of the most beautiful, relaxing places I've ever been.

Next comes food... at my mama's house. Everyone knows that nobody can cook like a southern mama. (Hence PAULA DEEN!) My mama is one of the best cooks EVER. Of course the menu would consist of Fried Okra, Fried Chicken (with her homemade honey mustard), Cucumber salad, Cornbread salad, maybe some of Big Mama's old recipes, and tons of other southern dishes. Oh, don't forget the sliced home grown tomatoes. (My mouth is watering just thinking about all of this food.) I would eat until I couldn't move.

I would go to the Nashville, TN LDS Temple where me and my Handsome were married and sealed for time and all eternity. I'd want to sit inside with him and talk about all our best memories... His crazy notes when we were dating, No lines at Disney World on our honey moon and then getting so sun burnt we couldn't move, our apartments, our home, Sady, our girls... How tiny they used to be, t-bone's "Ice", Moo's Buddha belly, how smart and beautiful they are... and forever - spending eternity with each other.

I would end my day on my mama's front porch... wrapped up in a blanket like she used to do with me when I was little and having troubles breathing. Me, Handsome, and our girls, would sit and watch the sun set and I would tell each of them how much I love them and why. And my day would end snuggled up with Handsome at home in bed.

Now that my eyes are all blurry and my throat is achy from trying not to cry... I want to ask you too, What would you do with your last day on Earth?  It can be anything... Handsome would go to Ireland to visit where his family came from. He'd want to experience as much of this world as he could in his last day of mortality. But what about you... Would you stay with what's comfortable? Spend time with family? Or do something you've always wanted, but never been able to? Like SkyDiving?

Also... I reserve the right to edit my answer at anytime ;)  There may be something awesome I'd want to do that I haven't thought about... Like maybe parasailing while we're there on the beach in the gulf... Yeah... I'd do that too.  Okay... Your turn!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Ode to my Hoodies

(I don't really have a ton on my mind right now, or not anything worth writing about. School is getting ready to start like next week and we're trying to get ready for that so if I'm MIA, don't freak. I'm around... just with other things on my mind.)

There are very few things I love in this world more than a HOODIE.

For me, it's like wearing a blanket. Only better... because it's not like a snuggie. And I wear them all year long. It could be 90 outside and you still might find me in a hoodie... sleeves shoved up to my elbows. Just ask my friends. They'll tell you. 

I own a few hoodies. 26 to be exact. I don't own 26 of anything else. I don't even have that many shoes (TOTAL... not pairs.)  But hoodies... I love em. Can't get enough of em! 

Some of my hoodies are over 10 years old.

And some are from the College years... or year... actually like 3 months. 
I went for 1 semester... don't judge. 

This next one is because I'm a Fan by marriage! Not that I'm not a real fan. I am. But I wasn't until I got married.

This next one is my favorite band. Kings of Leon. And I bought this at a concert. My second KOL concert actually.

And another fav... I got this one on vacation in Florida. I begged the hubs for a hoodie and he said yes with one stipulation. He had to pick it out. This is the one I had wanted anyways.

Having such a large collection there are some that never get worn. But I'm saving them. Because eventually I'm going to make one EPIC quilt out of all my hoodies. And it is going to be the most amazing quilt ever!

And then I'll get to start my collection all over... because you always have to have some hoodies to wear.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

No Phone Home

I got a new phone. 
That might not be a big deal to most people, but I have been without a phone since June 24th or something like that. That's right... NO PHONE AT ALL. 

I realized that I kind of like not having a phone. I like that I can hide away from the world. If I wanted to get a hold of someone, I had my ways. I did still have the internet after all... and that helped. There were just a couple times it really sucked, like needing to call my doctor, or the girls doctor, or the girls school, or family. But for the most part, It kinda rocked. 

So now that I have a phone again... I still have no numbers, so I can't call anyone really. Because I don't remember numbers except for the essentials, Hubby, the in-laws, and my parents. That's pretty much it. And to be honest, even if I had numbers, I probably wouldn't call because who actually calls anyone now-a-days.  Texting is so much easier... less personal for sure, but easier... faster too, unless  you're driving.  Then phone call it is, but again, that's usually only to one of the 3 previously mentioned peeps. 

So yeah... 
Anyways, since I kind of enjoyed living without a phone for a while, I may try it out regularly. Just take days off from my phone. 

Now if only I could do that with the internet!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Power of Vulnerability

My therapist sent this video to me. He actually told me to post it on here. I'm watching it while I write this... It's a couple minutes into it...

Watch it. No, Really.  Do it. You'll be glad you did

There is so much that I need to learn from this video. And so much I want to actively remember on a daily basis.

I'm going to write more about this later when I have time.

Thank you Therapist ;) You rock.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


I absolutely love clouds. I think they are some of the most beautiful things on this earth and many times when I see them, I feel as if God himself  painted them just for me.
 I was out driving earlier today and noticed the sunlight filtering through the clouds. We all know what the sun looks like. It is beautiful and magnificent all on it's own. But when that light shines through the clouds, It can be miraculous.
 Without those clouds, you wouldn't be able to see the rays of the sun, shining on everything. 
 Yes the sun would still be shining, but the clouds help make it that much more beautiful. 
I am grateful for my clouds, so that I can see those rays and appreciate their beauty that much more. 
I just want to say publicly that I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have never opposed my church or it's teachings. I fall short of perfection, as does everyone else in this world. We all sin differently. The purpose of my blog was Healing. I have many "demons" I'm trying to work through - drugs were not the answer so I'm trying some other alternatives, like writing (on the blog) and seeing an LDS Family Services Therapist. I know what my faults are and I'm working on them. I'm trying. I'm doing all that my Father in Heaven asked... To do my best and try my hardest. And I'm doing what I can. Writing on my blog helps to get these "demons" (not actual demons... just issues) out of my head so I can feel peace. The blog is public so that it may help anyone else out there who struggles the same way I do. I want them to know they're not alone, as I have felt for SO SO SO long. I know who I am, and what my strengths and weaknesses are. I'm trying.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Roger, the bird

We went to my parents house Saturday for a HUGE AWESOME event that I'm not allowed to talk about yet... if you're curious, ask me and I'll probably tell you (privately.) And when we pulled up and got out, I saw this little guy sitting in front of the garage door.

His name is Roger and he had a broken wing.

I called about 10 different places trying to find something open on a Saturday to take him in and get him help. Most places said they'd only euthanize him. Not an option for me. He seemed so healthy and lively... If he had looked bad, then yes, I think that would have been the compassionate thing to do. But Roger wanted to grow up. He has hopes and dreams man. (not sure Roger is a boy, but for the sake of this blog... he is. Plus I think he's so pretty, and aren't boy birds usually prettier than girl ones?)

Here you can see how he was holding his wing out.  It was so sad. Poor little guy was in pain for sure, but he was a fighter, a survivor. He's the most awesome bird ever.

We fed him some crackers (crumbled gold fish maybe?) I think he totally enjoyed them! We had to wait forever for a rehab center to finally call me back so we could take him there (it was a good 30 minutes or more from my parents house, which was already a 45 minute drive up there.) After a while, I was afraid of him getting dehydrated so we found this medicine dropper. At first he would NOT open that cute little beak of his. After a few times of putting the dropper up to his beak though, he learned that the water would come, and very quickly became enthusiastic about it. The second the saw that dropper he was like a newborn baby bird to a mama. His beak would open as wide as it could and he'd stretch that tiny neck up to get some water. It was so sweet. Roger definitely melted my heart.

He's great at taking photos also. 

Anyways, we left Roger (and a donation) at Walden's Puddle, an animal rehabilitation center here in Tennessee. They take in almost any animals native to Tennessee and some that aren't. I sat and talked with the girl at the desk for quite a while and learned all about their education program, where they travel around middle Tennessee teaching about the native animals. They have some special animals they take around with them also, including owls, raccoons, opposums, hawks, turtles, snakes, etc. I'm going to try to get something set up at my girls school and see if we can't get them to do an exhibit there this school year.

Anyways, Walden's Puddle does not charge for their services and they don't receive any Federal or State funding... it's all donations people. So if you have a few "doll hairs" you can spare, why don't you send them their way.  You can set up monthly donations or make a one time donation for any amount. I'm sure Roger will appreciate it!

I'm not sure we'll see Roger again. They were going to wrap him up to let his wing heal, then rehabilitate him back to the wild and then finally send him out into this wide world again. But I'm glad to know he'll be okay. Good Luck out there Roger!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Did I mention I sew?

I made this composition notebook cover tonight.
 The photos looks awful because I took them on my ipod on my bed sheet in the middle of the night. 
 I left my good camera at my parents.

Anyways, I did an applique of Beyonce on the front. 
Anyways... I like it. I added it to my etsy shop. Here it is, just in case you'd like one. I'm going to make some more later. I need sleep at the moment. If I can manage it.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

My Hell (Warning: May Trigger) (With UPDATE)

I sat down an hour and a half ago to begin writing out a story. This story is my story. It's terrible, and haunting, and makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

I am damn proud of myself right now. I just finished writing 17 pages worth. There is more to write but I cannot manage anything else at the moment. I have most of the major stuff written... kinda. I have more ideas and thoughts swimming in my head, but I'm physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I feel as if I have been beaten up and broken and left bleeding on the pavement. But I'm still proud. A bit scared of what I may do til sleep comes and replaces the thoughts in my head with some much needed nonsense...

But I just had a thought... I'll probably dream about it, about what I just put on paper to try to help ease it all out of my head. I will probably dream about him. The more I've thought about it, the more literal my dreams have been... no longer verging on metaphorical, but being much more straight forward. And it's scary. I wake up most mornings feeling as if I had been molested during the night. It's hard to share a bed with my husband when that is going on. It's hard to sleep at all when that is going on. So I've been staying up til the sun is rising and my eyelids can't possibly stay open for another second. I know those dreams are just that... dreams. They are not real. The touching, abuse, and trauma from them is not real. But the feelings, the pain, the hurt... all that IS real. And it sticks around, ruining my days and leading only to more sleepless/nightmarish nights.

And here are the chills, up and down my spine as I think about it all, like his nasty fingers on me. The headache and stomach ache have been there since I first began writing nearly 2 hours ago. The chest pains have come and gone while I wrote, depending on where I was in the story.

I'm scared to even move. I know I'm on the edge. Do I try to take something to calm myself down? Do I wake Handsome and ask for his help in distracting me? Do I just accept that my night is going to be Hell and get on with getting it over with? It's difficult because I guess I knew this would come from bringing up so much of the story to the forefront of my mind, So I probably shouldn't be writing it in the middle of the night, so that I can protect myself from moments such as this. But at the same time, This is about the only time I can find the privacy and "flow" to write it out.

I need something uplifting. Something to completely redirect my thoughts. Something to get these images out of my head. Anything to get HIM out of my mind. At least tomorrow(later today) I will be able to see my therapist and hash some of this out. But again, that will result in keeping all this in the forefront of my mind, leave it swirling in there, and it will be a shadow on the rest of the day. And handsome will not be home tomorrow night to be my safety net to catch me if/when I fall to far into hell. But a friend will be stopping by. Maybe the whole purpose of planning our catch-up was divinely inspired, so that I would not be alone during this time.

The most random thing I can think to do to lift my spirits at the moment is a McDonald's Rolo McFlurry. I love those freakin things. And I want one, right now. My reward, for a hard job well done. But I'm afraid to go alone. If I'm alone, I will feel the shadows behind me in the car. Not even the radio on full blast will shoo them away. If I'm alone there may be thoughts of self-harm that creep in, and I'm trying to avoid them at all costs... especially after I lost my head a bit this evening and hurt my thumb in a fit.

So I could wake Handsome up and see if he would be willing to go get me one, or ride with me. Pregnant women do stuff like that all the time right?  I have one awful baby in my head that needs a McFlurry to calm down... Only I can't use the excuse that he made me like that, so he had to deal with it... The exact opposite is true. He tries so hard to be understanding, to help, to relieve as much of the pain as he can, to be exactly what I need him to be (though most times neither one of  us know what that is.)  So If I wake him up to help me, there will be guilt from him losing sleep. He has work tomorrow, and scout camp after that. He needs to sleep. I need to be stronger. But as I said before... I'm tired. That story wears me out... and maybe I should have stopped before I got too deep into it.

Regardless, I need to stop thinking about this and find a distraction. Not sure what I'll find yet, but something (anything) has got to help.

I also found this website tonight. (  If you're trying to write about traumatic experiences in your life, this is a great place to go and check out. It helped me get started tonight. Maybe it could help you as well.

****I've had a few messages from people on FB and emails and others just checking on me to make sure I'm doing okay. I'm great. I ended up waking Chris up and we went to McDonald's at 3 in the morning (and they were busy... WTHeck?)  Turns out they were cleaning their ice cream machine, so no McFlurry, but Handsome helped me get my mind off everything and we laughed and laughed and ended up turning on the Princess Bride when we got back home. So yeah... I'm good. Thank you all for your concern and for making sure I'm doing good. I appreciate it and love you all.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

John Cusack makes me laugh (And he's hot. Win/Win)

I pretty much completely ignored the nablopomo blog prompt for yesterday cause I had nothing to say about it. But I blogged anyways, and part of the point of this is just to blog everyday... so yeah. I'm forgiven, right?

Today's prompt is to talk about my favorite comedian.

But how do I pick one? Do I pick a famous one? Or my favorite right now... I don't know. This is hard. I'm gonna go ask the hubs for some help.

I'm back. The reason for asking Handsome is because I consider him a comedy genius. In all honesty, he is probably my absolute favorite comedian. The crap he says and does is just insane!

When we were dating he would always tell me he loves me more than flies love poop. We actually had someone give us a wedding gift of "The Fly" on dvd and a pile of fake poop. I even just found a note from him. At the end he says, "I love more than flies love poopoo, more than homeless people love grocery carts, more than Michael Jackson loves little boys (now that's alot)" Obviously this was prior to Jackson's death.

Anyways, My favorite comedian, outside of my spouse... Still depends. Ugh.
Stand up Comedian: Mitch Hedberg. I love his weird sense of humor. Some quotes from him:
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Yeah, he was a hilarious man. We almost went to see him before he passed away. He was doing a show here in Nashville and I think some friends went.

Anyways, Another very favorite comedian of mine is JOHN CUSACK. I think he is hilarious. Kinda a dark sense of humor. It fits me and my personality very well. I think we'd be friends if we ever met. I'm actually watching one of his movies right now and I keep getting distracted by it, so I'm gonna go watch it right now.

Anyways, I love funny guys. John Cusack, and especially my hubby. Funny guys rock my socks off.

PS. I also am a huge fan of Jenny Lawson. I consider her a comedian as well. Just wanted to put that out there!

Not used to looking like this.

Most mornings when I wake up and look in the mirror, my only thought is,
"That will have to do."

I enjoy fixing my hair and doing my make up when I have somewhere to go or someone to see, but since I don't go or do anything, I hardly even get dressed, let alone fix myself up.

Today I had to make a video for a thing (maybe more to come on it later. Who knows. It's a secret... kinda.) and I didn't want to look like my usual frumpy mommy self. So I had my sister (who is a bit of a diva) come and fix my hair and make up.

Then she wanted to take some pictures and I went a bit crazy with it. I like 'em though. I feel like they look like me, even though I'm not really used to looking like this.

 this next one is one of my favorites. Not sure why. I just really like it.

 Here's another fav

 the one above and this one are also favorites. The one below may have to go on my banner.  Looks pretty crazy, if you ask me!

The Pivotal Moments

I went to see an old friend today. I haven't seen this gal in like 5 1/2 years. Last time I saw her was her wedding and I was preggers with T-bone. The way we met was interesting... destiny - to say the least.  Me and Handsome were bringing our friend, a recently single guy, to a church singles dance. We weren't supposed to be there, because we weren't single. There wasn't much point in him being there because he wasn't a member of our church at the time. But we all went. And there he met the woman who would soon become his wife, and later would be the mother of 3 of his children. And to think, he almost didn't go. And what if we hadn't invited him?

It's crazy to look back on life and see those very pivotal moments... the ones where lives change, where destiny steps in and sets things in motion.

There was one point in my life where I got a job out of convenience of location. It was right next to where my mom taught a bible study class every morning and since I didn't have a car, she could take me every morning and usually pick me up in the evening. There was no way to know all that would come out of that one job... I ended up being a teacher to a little boy who, along with his 2 older brothers, stole my heart. When I found out they were going to be separated in the foster care system, it tore me apart, and in turn, my parents ended up becoming foster parents for them in order to keep them together. My mom contacted our churches social services and found a couple who were interested in fostering and possibly adopting these little men. Many years and struggles and trials later, my little men have a wonderful mom and dad and have more love in their lives then they know what to do with. And it was because of a convenient job.

I feel like this year has been full of these tiny little moments all leading me down a path I would have never gone down on my own, all very pivotal in their own way. And there have been so  many people who have helped in leading me towards this path. I have no idea quite where this road is going, but I truly feel like it is where I'm meant to go. And I will follow it trusting that my Father in Heaven (or life or destiny or whatever you believe in) knows where I'm going and has a plan for me. I'm so excited to see where this road leads. It's been a pretty fun ride so far.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

UPDATE! My Love/Hate Relationship with Crochet

I love to crochet. I really do. I've been doing it since I was 5 and it helps my (undiagnosed) ADD. When I'm crocheting I can actually sit still for more than 10 minutes without being in front of a computer screen. I think I'm pretty good at crocheting. I can usually create my own patterns, and if not, I have yet to meet a pattern I couldn't work.  

Why do is this relationship a love hate? MY WRISTS. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. After an hour or two of crocheting, My hands and wrists are killing me. It's not fair. I want to crochet, but it can hurt. I heard once that typing can help balance the wrists out so there. My game plan (while I crochet a blessing dress for a friend's newborn) is to crochet, then write, then crochet, then write, then crochet... and on and on and on until the blessing dress is done (and maybe I've started on my book.) 

Anyways, Here's what I made last night. Also - These two pictures were both taken on the same flooring in my bedroom... What the heck? That carpet should be the same color!
Here's a newborn owl beanie! I really like it. I may have to make one for myself!
And here's a baby cocoon for the newborn photo shoot for my friend. Maybe I'll be able to post some pictures later with the baby actually in it.


Here's a photo of the cutest baby in the world in the beanie I made for her!
Photo: Because I know one proud mama who is dying to see the photos we took today...enjoy :)  (Super cute hat courtesy of Keaven Taylor Neely)

Also, you should go and like nu image studios on Facebook. They're amazing. And if you're anywhere in the Knoxville to Nashville area... Give them a call for all your photo needs!

Monday, July 9, 2012

"We Can't Get Out!" NaBloPoMo July 9th

"Do you think it makes it okay to add "just kidding" after a surprising statement?"

Nah. Only if you're truly kidding.

Now, I don't have much to write about this prompt, so instead of that, I'm going to share a "kid" video.

This video cracks me up. My little girl, moo, had shut the door to my office. She couldn't turn the handle to open the door so she thought it was locked. She is SO dramatic. She's gonna grow up to be a little comedic actress! My favorite part is when she really tries to push it down. I can't help but crack up laughing everytime!


My First Fellow Blogger Award

I received my first blog award and didn't even know it y'all! I finally realized it last night/this morning so here it is!

Thank you, thank you, thank you Crazy Mama (we have alot in common.) She can cuss like a sailor so all you mormon mommies have been warned. I think this is one of my favorite of her posts, and one of the first I ever read!

So here's the fun part...
The 11 questions are simple: choose one of each

Romance or historical - ROMANCE
Dystopia or Mystery - MYSTERY
Christian fiction or Sci-fiction - SCI-FI
Chick lit or Thriller - CHICK LIT
Poetry or Memoir - MEMOIR
Short stories or YA - YA
Historical Romance or Paranormal - PARANORMAL
Spiritual or Fantasy - SPIRITUAL
Cookbook or Health and Fitness - COOKBOOK
Erotic or Street Lit - STREET LIT
Super Hero or Fairy Tale - FAIRY TALE (with a cape)

11 Things about ME!
1) I hate the number 11, no really... phobia.
2) I'm constantly paranoid about what people are thinking.
3) I don't want to do anything today, but had planned on super cleaning my home. We'll see what happens.
4) My favorite sound in the world is my girls laughing.
5) I have a crush on my hubby
6) 3 is my favorite number ever. But I want 4 kids (an even number so everyone has someone to ride beside on a roller coaster.)
7) I've wanted to have another baby for a while, but now that it's almost time to start trying, I may be rethinking things.
8) I don't like to eat breakfast. It makes me sick.
9) I want to go to the library and find some good books, but I have a library fine that is hindering me from going.
10) Dr. Pepper is my boyfriend. I love it.
11) My baby is whining right now and It's driving me crazy. Seriously. I want her to go away. Not too far, just far enough that I can't hear the whining.

I have to answer 11 questions:
1) What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Well I was asked this question when I was a girl at girls camp (I'm still a girl, though no longer at girls camp.) Me and a friend tried to concoct the nastiest thing we could in order to win the Klondike bars. We threatened to give ourselves swirlies in the latrine. We won.
2) Paper or plastic?
This totally depends... But I'll go plastic. Takes longer to decompose, but it holds better.
3) 12/21/2012, what do you think?
I will be SO FREAKING SURPRISED if the world ends, but maybe something big happens.
4) Wanna dance?
OF COURSE! I love to dance, especially in my pajamas while I crank Prince and clean!
5) Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Katie stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
6) Can you wash your hands in public?
Yeah, most of the time, but the stupid toilets that flush on their own tend to ignore me. Maybe my butt is not quite big enough yet... A couple more kids will fix that, I'm sure.
7) Who do you think you are?
Last time I checked I was Keaven. I'm still kinda crazy. Still Mormon. I still stay at home. I love to sew, draw, paint, crochet, dance, sing, laugh, tickle, play yahtzee in bed with the hubby, and way too much more to write. I'll blog about it all one day.
8) Ever been hypnotized?
Nope, but I would like to!
9) Describe your blog in a word.
10) How bout mine?
Genius ;P
11) Count some of your blessings.
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six...
What? Is that not what you asked?
Fine. Here they are. This list is not all inclusive by any means cause we'd be here forever if it was...
My 2 beautiful smart daughters who make me laugh constantly.
My insanely attractive husband who also makes me laugh, especially when I don't want to.
Our beautiful home in the neighborhood we've talked about since we got married.
My calling at church.
My van we got from my parents.
Hubby's work, the security of it, how close it is.
Our 2 furbabies.
My family
My friends

I have 11 questions for my awardees:
1) If you could only keep one memory, what would it be?
2) Who is your best friend?
3) Do you act your age?
4) What is your favorite hobby?
5) Favorite food?
6) If you could speak another language fluently, which one would you speak?
7) Is the glass half empty or half full?
8) Google, Yahoo search, Bing?
9) If you could do or be anything (really ANYTHING) what would you do or be?
10) Who are your Heroes?
11) What is your favorite quality in another person?

The 3 bloggers lucky enough to win are:

Brittney at Boyfriend in my Pocket

Kelly at Princess & the Pi

Niven at The Diary of a Doormat

Just do what I did. Answer the first set of questions, then 11 things about yourself, then my questions for you. Then award 3 other blogs. Love y'all

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The "Shirt" Skirt

Here is my moo.
She is wearing her "shirt" skirt. You may be wondering what in the world is a "shirt" skirt. Well, It's a skirt that is actually a shirt. (She's holding up the sleeves of the shirt!)

About a year ago, we gave Moo (Mad-dog, whatever you want to call her) all of T-bone's hand-me-downs and this shirt was included. It's a real cute, satin, peasant cut top. Moo IMMEDIATELY loved this shirt, but would only wear it around her waist as a skirt (the neck of the shirt has elastic in it, so it will fit around her waist.) At first I kept getting on to her for it. She was ruining a super cute shirt, one of my favorites for her to wear. After fighting over this for a couple months, I finally realized that it was just a shirt... or just a "shirt" skirt. I gave in and let Moo start wearing this shirt as her favorite skirt. And she wears it ALL the time! Instead of fighting and us both getting annoyed and frustrated, I let her wear it, but only around the house. And ONLY when it's clean... that's the biggest issue now. I have to wash it at some point!

Also, I realized as I was taking a picture of the "shirt" skirt that Moo had put on numerous shirts while she was dressing herself.  
Yup, there are 4 different shirts on that girl... 5 counting her skirt. I love my crazy little girl. 

 And while I was taking these photos off my iPod for this post, I found this photo on there... 
and about 50 more just like it. I guess some one was playing with Mommy's iPod earlier today! At least this was kinda cute!

Depth of Feelings

I was thinking the other day about how bad I feel sometimes. It is overwhelming. It effects everything about me, my thoughts, my speech, my demeanor, my looks, my posture, how I treat myself and those around me... Sometimes it hurts so much that I would rather be done with life than to continue feeling that bad.
(I AM NOT SUICIDAL. AT NO POINT HAVE I WANTED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE!  Hurt so badly that I ache for the pain to stop, however that has to happen, yes... but end my life on my own? Nope. And that's not what this post is about anyways.) I have numerous times felt so horrible all I could do was curl up and cry, and not just crying to myself, but down on the floor in the fetal position sobbing so hard my entire body is shaking.

I've had so many people think that I'm just sad sometimes. I'm not sad sometimes. The heartbreak that I feel is not like some teenage girl trying to get over a crush. My whole soul wrenches. It aches. It pleads for peace, for a moment's peace... just a millisecond of hope to help me get through. Nothing really helps in those moments of complete despair and darkness. I can pray, receive blessings, try to read scriptures, try to talk about it, but usually it just has to pass. All I can do is to endure to the end.

I am not a sad person. I am not a depressed person. I am a happy person who happens to struggle with a disease. But I am kinda grateful in some ways for that disease. Because I have felt such pain, heartbreak, despair, darkness, I can celebrate the times I have happiness and peace and joy and laughter. I can be furiously happy and laugh my ass off at the hilarity of life because I have known the opposite. And to be honest, I think I would rather feel the extremes than to just kind of hang somewhere in the middle. I've been there (thanks to drugs) and did not like it.

I will take the tears, the hurt, the ache if it means I can laugh til my stomach hurts, I can be happy for those days where my mind is my own. I can dance around my home like an idiot and enjoy how good it feels to just be alive with my gorgeous little girls and my incredibly sexy husband. I can love the things in this life that make me happy and not be embarrassed by them or by who I am.

I have wondered over and over again why it is that I have to struggle with such a hard disease. It's not like there's one simple answer out there to make me better. Like with my Asthma, I have an attack, I use my inhaler, end of story. I know that cats trigger it so I stay away from them. It's easy. It's fixable. Depression is so much different. Yes there is medication, but often the side effects can be as bad as the symptoms. I have not taken an antidepressant in a month, yet I'm still having "brain shivers" from coming off of them. I don't want the meds. I don't want the side effects. I don't want to feel numb. If I have to feel this pain in order to feel the joy and happiness that I have had, then so be it. I will endure to the end. I will not give up, and I will also continue to appreciate the little things in this life that make me furiously happy.

The heart break that I feel sometimes is not just me feeling sad.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Sleep is overrated...

And that's my excuse for not doing it tonight. I can't believe I have almost stayed up til 5am. That pooh is crazy. Maybe I'll be able to sleep in a bit. Maybe I should try and go to bed before tomorrow. Maybe.

ANYWHO - I love music. It can help me sleep sometimes.
Here's a great song to relax and try to go to sleep to...
When I was in high school, I would put this song in my CD player and play it on Repeat with headphones on all night. It was wonderful. I always slept like baby.

Here's another one, I still and will always love this song.

My favorite line in that song is "I can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart, or dig myself a little hole, inside your precious heart." I wrote it on everything when I was in High School... notebooks, schoolbooks... whatever.

And last, here's a song that has kinda been my Anthem recently.

And on that note, I'm heading to bed. Sleep will come eventually, right? 

Friday, July 6, 2012

Where else can I whine but here?

This is MY blog after all, and I can whine if I want to.

Today sucks... For absolutely no reason at all. Okay fine... maybe there is a ton of shit on my  mind.

Want a list?

  • I'm worried about my sister
  • I need to call our car ins and switch it over
  • I need to call the dr office to schedule my daughter's apt to get her up to date on shots
  • I'm worried about the truck we sold to another sister
  • I need to call the hospital to schedule payments
  • I need to call a friend about writing for his website
  • I need to finish cleaning my house... no REALLY cleaning... Not just picking up and vacuuming, but dusting and washing and scrubbing and organizing.
  • I need to finish hanging up the laundry.
  • Both my daughters are sick from how hot it's been (they're both broken out all over their faces and backs and arms in heat rash.)
  • My yard is dead. I want a garden. I can't have one.
  • I need to take my dogs out but they stink and I don't feel good enough to give them a bath.
  • Hubby is at work so I'm left at home all alone to deal with this funk myself.
  • I lost my phone so I have no ones numbers and don't really know who'd I'd call anyways.
  • I need to finish a painting.
  • I need to finish coloring the  name signs for my nieces and nephews.

 I've tried distractions. I've tried working on my list. Nothing is helping and I just keep sinking farther and father today. It's BOLOGNA! I can't see that word and not say Bo-log-nah in my head. Just can't.

I need good pick me up ideas. Comment and let me know what you do to pick yourself up. I need some ideas...

So 1...2...3... GO.  Comment.  What are you waiting for? Hurry Up! Do it! NOW. 

Okay, I'm sorry for yelling. I just hate feeling funky.