The Pivotal Moments

I went to see an old friend today. I haven't seen this gal in like 5 1/2 years. Last time I saw her was her wedding and I was preggers with T-bone. The way we met was interesting... destiny - to say the least.  Me and Handsome were bringing our friend, a recently single guy, to a church singles dance. We weren't supposed to be there, because we weren't single. There wasn't much point in him being there because he wasn't a member of our church at the time. But we all went. And there he met the woman who would soon become his wife, and later would be the mother of 3 of his children. And to think, he almost didn't go. And what if we hadn't invited him?

It's crazy to look back on life and see those very pivotal moments... the ones where lives change, where destiny steps in and sets things in motion.

There was one point in my life where I got a job out of convenience of location. It was right next to where my mom taught a bible study class every morning and since I didn't have a car, she could take me every morning and usually pick me up in the evening. There was no way to know all that would come out of that one job... I ended up being a teacher to a little boy who, along with his 2 older brothers, stole my heart. When I found out they were going to be separated in the foster care system, it tore me apart, and in turn, my parents ended up becoming foster parents for them in order to keep them together. My mom contacted our churches social services and found a couple who were interested in fostering and possibly adopting these little men. Many years and struggles and trials later, my little men have a wonderful mom and dad and have more love in their lives then they know what to do with. And it was because of a convenient job.

I feel like this year has been full of these tiny little moments all leading me down a path I would have never gone down on my own, all very pivotal in their own way. And there have been so  many people who have helped in leading me towards this path. I have no idea quite where this road is going, but I truly feel like it is where I'm meant to go. And I will follow it trusting that my Father in Heaven (or life or destiny or whatever you believe in) knows where I'm going and has a plan for me. I'm so excited to see where this road leads. It's been a pretty fun ride so far.

Depth of Feelings

I was thinking the other day about how bad I feel sometimes. It is overwhelming. It effects everything about me, my thoughts, my speech, my demeanor, my looks, my posture, how I treat myself and those around me... Sometimes it hurts so much that I would rather be done with life than to continue feeling that bad.
(I AM NOT SUICIDAL. AT NO POINT HAVE I WANTED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE!  Hurt so badly that I ache for the pain to stop, however that has to happen, yes... but end my life on my own? Nope. And that's not what this post is about anyways.) I have numerous times felt so horrible all I could do was curl up and cry, and not just crying to myself, but down on the floor in the fetal position sobbing so hard my entire body is shaking.

I've had so many people think that I'm just sad sometimes. I'm not sad sometimes. The heartbreak that I feel is not like some teenage girl trying to get over a crush. My whole soul wrenches. It aches. It pleads for peace, for a moment's peace... just a millisecond of hope to help me get through. Nothing really helps in those moments of complete despair and darkness. I can pray, receive blessings, try to read scriptures, try to talk about it, but usually it just has to pass. All I can do is to endure to the end.

I am not a sad person. I am not a depressed person. I am a happy person who happens to struggle with a disease. But I am kinda grateful in some ways for that disease. Because I have felt such pain, heartbreak, despair, darkness, I can celebrate the times I have happiness and peace and joy and laughter. I can be furiously happy and laugh my ass off at the hilarity of life because I have known the opposite. And to be honest, I think I would rather feel the extremes than to just kind of hang somewhere in the middle. I've been there (thanks to drugs) and did not like it.

I will take the tears, the hurt, the ache if it means I can laugh til my stomach hurts, I can be happy for those days where my mind is my own. I can dance around my home like an idiot and enjoy how good it feels to just be alive with my gorgeous little girls and my incredibly sexy husband. I can love the things in this life that make me happy and not be embarrassed by them or by who I am.

I have wondered over and over again why it is that I have to struggle with such a hard disease. It's not like there's one simple answer out there to make me better. Like with my Asthma, I have an attack, I use my inhaler, end of story. I know that cats trigger it so I stay away from them. It's easy. It's fixable. Depression is so much different. Yes there is medication, but often the side effects can be as bad as the symptoms. I have not taken an antidepressant in a month, yet I'm still having "brain shivers" from coming off of them. I don't want the meds. I don't want the side effects. I don't want to feel numb. If I have to feel this pain in order to feel the joy and happiness that I have had, then so be it. I will endure to the end. I will not give up, and I will also continue to appreciate the little things in this life that make me furiously happy.

The heart break that I feel sometimes is not just me feeling sad.

Pranking...

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt is "Talk about the best prank you ever pulled."  


I'm not really sure that I've ever truly pulled a prank. But here's the closest I've ever come.


Years ago (okay, so it was a decade ago... holy crap I just felt old) there were these missionaries who were serving in my parents church. They were two young men... one about 23 or so and the other was 19. I had been having a very difficult time in life and became very great friends with these fellows. We would have some great talks that lasted way too late, and we wrote back and forth at least once a week.  These guys played a very significant role in me turning my life around at a crucial moment. 


Anyways - my mom taught an early morning bible study class to high school students called Seminary. These missionaries would come all the time. I think my mom became a bit like a mom away from home to them. We pretty much adopted these guys into our family. I'm not quite sure how it all got started, but we ended up pranking each other back and forth. They would do something to get my mom, we would do something to get them back. 


I think at one point they filled large cans full of dry beans and set them on top of one my mom's cabinets, or right inside the door, so when she opened it, they went flying EVERYWHERE. It wasn't hard to get these guys back... They left their apartment unlocked - ALWAYS... (me and some other friends even snuck in in the middle of the night one night to bring them a christmas tree while they slept. They weren't very smart about safety.)  So me and my mom and my sister loaded up a bunch of stuff and drove over to their apartment. And we rigged it.  My mom smothered their toilet in molasses... I think we may have done powdered sugar on their sheets... or maybe corn flakes.  We even went through their clothes and set up a dummy on their couch using a basketball as the head so they'd be freaked out when they came home and saw this person sitting there. 


We got the guys pretty good. They ended up taking a photo with the dummy we made while they held up a sign saying they were going to get us back. 


I remember them asking me to help them get my mom back and of course I obliged. They wanted a picture of my mama's booty. So one day after my mom was done teaching her class I grabbed her and hugged her and pulled top half down so that her butt was up in the air. I wasn't quite sure what they had planned to do with the photos but it wasn't too long after that they came back to class one day wearing some very special shirts they had had made... Featuring my mama's booty all blown up and saying "WE LOVE BECKYE!" <--(my mama if you couldn't figure that out.) 


I still consider those guys some of my best friends and pretty much family. We had a blast hanging out with them and I will always smile when I look back on those times.

I found photo evidence of the shirt these guys made of my moms behind

Chakra?

So, I have a friend who is all about Chakra at the moment. Being the curious cat that I am (or just procrastinating... yeah... procrastinating) , I've been online all morning googling Chakra and Mormon together to see how they all fit.  

I have always believed that there is more truth than the very basic mormon teachings... Not that I don't believe 100% in the LDS teachings. I do. But I am fascinated by the other stuff... less "doctorine" stuff and the more "up for your own interpretation" kinda thing. I have read many books like "the Secret" and watched videos like The Stickman Presentation and believe in certain universal laws that may not be preached about from a pulpit directly, but are still there, between the lines. 

Anyways... I found this article this morning on Chakras and Mormons and LOVED what it said... especially about TRUTH... Whether it's gospel truth or universal truth, it's all HIS truth. 

I'm completely fascinated now and want to read SO much more... but it's Monday and I need to get off here and clean my house, so it'll have to wait. :/ But I can't wait to learn more.  

Anyone else ever read or looked into this stuff before?