To download the files free for your own personal use, Just click on the links above or below.
Enjoy!
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Weekly Meal Plan Lists
Working on Grocery lists for this week, so I made some PDF files to help me out. What I do first is use the Coupon Shopping List to figure out all my coupons for the week. I then also go through our WIC vouchers and write them and my coupon shopping list on to our Master Grocery List. I use those two lists to come up with a weekly meal plan for our family using the Weekly Meal Plan list. I write down the extra ingredients I will need, and anything else that comes up. I then take those extra ingredients and add them to our Master list also. I hope this isn't too confusing for you. It's the easiest way for me plan it all out and have enough space to write it all (I don't think I could fit everything on one sheet.)
Monday, February 11, 2013
Getting Back in the Game!
Handsome has been asking me for a while to start couponing again. I've done it for years, but when we moved into our house last year, I really dropped the ball and I haven't picked it back up in the past year. We have done a couple things recently to help save us money on our grocery bill, but we need a bit more help.
So I have spent the past two days slowly clipping coupons and reorganizing my binder to get back into the game. I'm surprised at how many coupons I've actually saved recently. My binder is more full than I expected. So I've gone through a couple of my favorite websites (SouthernSavers.com is a great one) to help me match my current coupons with the current sales and I made one grocery list for the things that we can use. (I try not to get anything I won't actually use. There are some great deals out there, but it's stuff we'd never use, so what's the point in wasting my time on it?) Grocery list no. 1 done.
Then I went through our WIC vouchers (I spread them out through the month) and made a shopping list for them. Grocery list no. 2 done.
Then I made a meal menu plan keeping in mind what was on my first two grocery lists (I do plan out dinner every night, then just make a list of ideas for breakfast and lunch.) Then I thought through those recipes and made Grocery list no. 3.
(BTW, here's a couple recipes We're gonna try out the next couple weeks!)
Beef and Cheddar Casserole
Chicken Pot Pie
White Bean Chili
In all, I'll probably be going to three or four different stores, and shopping off my three separate grocery lists. I'm hoping to keep my total under $100. Not bad for two weeks worth of groceries for our family of 4. (Also, when I know ahead of time what's for dinner every night, and have a list of ideas for breakfast, lunch, and even snacks planned out as well, We spend MUCH MUCH MUCH less on eating out/fast food. Which helps save money as well!) But I know I can do better. We're hoping to get to the point where our monthly grocery spending is between $100 and $150. We'll see if I can get there. Like I said before, it's gonna take me another month or two or three before I really start saving extra money from the couponing. You've got to build up your stock not only of coupons, but also of the things you buy regularly.
Either way, It feels great to have a game plan for everything. Now I just have to find the time and energy to actually DO the shopping! Wish me luck!
So I have spent the past two days slowly clipping coupons and reorganizing my binder to get back into the game. I'm surprised at how many coupons I've actually saved recently. My binder is more full than I expected. So I've gone through a couple of my favorite websites (SouthernSavers.com is a great one) to help me match my current coupons with the current sales and I made one grocery list for the things that we can use. (I try not to get anything I won't actually use. There are some great deals out there, but it's stuff we'd never use, so what's the point in wasting my time on it?) Grocery list no. 1 done.
Then I went through our WIC vouchers (I spread them out through the month) and made a shopping list for them. Grocery list no. 2 done.
Then I made a meal menu plan keeping in mind what was on my first two grocery lists (I do plan out dinner every night, then just make a list of ideas for breakfast and lunch.) Then I thought through those recipes and made Grocery list no. 3.
(BTW, here's a couple recipes We're gonna try out the next couple weeks!)
Beef and Cheddar Casserole
Chicken Pot Pie
White Bean Chili
In all, I'll probably be going to three or four different stores, and shopping off my three separate grocery lists. I'm hoping to keep my total under $100. Not bad for two weeks worth of groceries for our family of 4. (Also, when I know ahead of time what's for dinner every night, and have a list of ideas for breakfast, lunch, and even snacks planned out as well, We spend MUCH MUCH MUCH less on eating out/fast food. Which helps save money as well!) But I know I can do better. We're hoping to get to the point where our monthly grocery spending is between $100 and $150. We'll see if I can get there. Like I said before, it's gonna take me another month or two or three before I really start saving extra money from the couponing. You've got to build up your stock not only of coupons, but also of the things you buy regularly.
Either way, It feels great to have a game plan for everything. Now I just have to find the time and energy to actually DO the shopping! Wish me luck!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Only getting crazier
I am now a superhero.
That's right. I can create people out of almost thin air.
Okay, so I didn't do it totally alone. The Hubs may have helped a bit.
So I'm growing another human being right inside of my torso.
That alone is a pretty amazing ability. But I also have a few others now. I can throw up an insane amount of food... food that I know never entered my body. I can also smell things from nearly a mile away. And I can either sleep through anything, or not sleep at all, in spite of how tired I may be. I haven't quite learned how to make that one work for my benefit, but perhaps I will at some point.
Thanks to this person growing inside me, my hormones have been a raging!!! I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry at car commercials. I cry at Christmas songs. I cry at movie previews. All this crying, it's no wonder I've had issues with dehydration.
It completely 100% makes sense though. If I think Mirena made me crazy... Or worsened my depression or whatever... and now my body has like 400x more of those hormones coursing through my veins... It's a wonder I am able to shower, get dressed, and behave like a normal (though sobbing) human being.
But things are looking up. I'm in the second trimester now... which happens to be my absolute favorite of all the trimesters. My energy levels are getting back to normal a bit. Though I'm still throwing up every now and then, I can usually eat pretty well and keep it under control. I can't sleep 15 1/2 hours straight like I did a few weeks ago, but that's okay. I plan on not sleeping a whole lot for the next couple years anyways.
This morning was one of those dramatic sob filled mornings where I call my mama in a blubbering mess, one of those where she can't even make sense of what I'm saying. It's all just one jumbled sob. The tot had to have some dental work done. Having to see your child go through any kind of discomfort is painful for a parent. I sat in that waiting room for an hour (I couldn't be back there with her because laughing gas is not good for pregnant people) trying to swallow the knot that had formed in the back of my throat. I was terrified that one of the nurses or someone would say something to me and I would just start sobbing uncontrollably and they would think that I am crazy. I may need to mention that before they took her back there, Tot told the dental assistant (or whoever they are) that I am "weird." I didn't want to confirm it for them.
But on the way home, the flood gates opened and I called my mama. How in the world that woman managed to do this 7 times is beyond me. This is only my 3rd but will most definitely be my last. I've had a bit of an issue with really being grateful for this child. I know that it is a miracle and precious. But I think with all the sickness and everything, I just feel disconnected. I know I will adore whoever this little person is the second I meet him/her. After all, I'm still amazed at how much I love tot and moo. This little bean won't be any different. I just have to make it another 6 months... but I can do it, even if I sob the whole way there.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Paralyzed
I am stressed to the max at the moment and when that happens, I stop doing everything, letting the to do list pile up and only increasing the stress level to the point where I explode and implode and it's all just a holy mess.
When I get like this, it usually ends one of two ways.
1. I get horribly sobby and hormonal and freak out on everyone and about everything until I give up on most of my to do list, making me feel like poop and starting a bad funk that takes me quite a while to get out of.
2. I get PISSED at myself for doing this all again and decide it's time I kick ass and get some crap done.
So... I am up tonight doing number 2 (No... not that number 2!). I have a few things written down that I am going to get done and I'm not going to bed until I do them. This could mean that I will be up into the wee hours of the morning. Actually, it definitely means that. Lucky for me, the girls have school tomorrow. So perhaps, if I get things ready enough, Handsome can get the girls off to school in the AM and I can maybe sleep in an extra hour or two before heading off to an appointment.
I'm hoping I can manage it. Sometimes the fire that gets lit under my behind tries to fizzle out. But all I have to do is look at that list again and I'm right back at being pissed that I have yet again failed to do the things I feel are necessary.
Do not think that this list is crazy crap and that I'm some sort of perfectionist. I'm not. I try to be realistic. The dishes need washing. The clothes need folding. The bills need paid. My work needs written. My goals need met. I don't expect to scrub every baseboard and finish every little sewing project I have in mind.
Yes, maybe I tend to overload myself... but if only myself was a bit more organized, I feel as if I could accomplish this all with no problem. There are plenty of hours during the day to do it, but as I said, I'm not organized, which is weird for a Virgo who LOVES to organize.
But I need to have a clean, steady home before I feel comfortable planning my time, and I can't have a clean home because I can't find the dang time to do it. It's a vicious cycle and I'm hoping I'll figure it all out one day.
For tonight though, I'm going to stay as pissed as I can. Angry cleaning is the best cleaning there is after all. Hopefully I can keep it up.
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!
When I get like this, it usually ends one of two ways.
1. I get horribly sobby and hormonal and freak out on everyone and about everything until I give up on most of my to do list, making me feel like poop and starting a bad funk that takes me quite a while to get out of.
2. I get PISSED at myself for doing this all again and decide it's time I kick ass and get some crap done.
So... I am up tonight doing number 2 (No... not that number 2!). I have a few things written down that I am going to get done and I'm not going to bed until I do them. This could mean that I will be up into the wee hours of the morning. Actually, it definitely means that. Lucky for me, the girls have school tomorrow. So perhaps, if I get things ready enough, Handsome can get the girls off to school in the AM and I can maybe sleep in an extra hour or two before heading off to an appointment.
I'm hoping I can manage it. Sometimes the fire that gets lit under my behind tries to fizzle out. But all I have to do is look at that list again and I'm right back at being pissed that I have yet again failed to do the things I feel are necessary.
Do not think that this list is crazy crap and that I'm some sort of perfectionist. I'm not. I try to be realistic. The dishes need washing. The clothes need folding. The bills need paid. My work needs written. My goals need met. I don't expect to scrub every baseboard and finish every little sewing project I have in mind.
Yes, maybe I tend to overload myself... but if only myself was a bit more organized, I feel as if I could accomplish this all with no problem. There are plenty of hours during the day to do it, but as I said, I'm not organized, which is weird for a Virgo who LOVES to organize.
But I need to have a clean, steady home before I feel comfortable planning my time, and I can't have a clean home because I can't find the dang time to do it. It's a vicious cycle and I'm hoping I'll figure it all out one day.
For tonight though, I'm going to stay as pissed as I can. Angry cleaning is the best cleaning there is after all. Hopefully I can keep it up.
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
30 by 30
With my birthday coming at the end of this month, I have decided to create a small bucket list. I will be 28 this year, so that leaves 2 more years in my 20's. I made this little list of things to do before that 30th birthday gets here. So here ya go...
30 by 30
30 by 30
- Run a half marathon, the Warrior Dash, and the Color Run.
- Take a road trip by my lonesome and stop whenever I want.
- Take ball room dancing lessons.
- Find my go to Karaoke song.
- Have baby number 3.
- Turn an internet only friend into a real life friend.
- Ride in either a Hot Air Balloon or a Helicopter, maybe both, not at the same time.
- Have a large vegetable garden and keep it alive.
- Do a family hike and camp out trip.
- Write letters and send picture regularly to family.
- Learn how to really play the guitar.
- Go someplace I need a passport for.
- Visit Niagra Falls.
- Tour the "mormon" trail.
- Catch up on all my scrapbooking.
- Ride a horse again.
- Participate in a flash mob.
- Volunteer regularly
- Take the kids to Disney World
- Visit Harry Potter world
- Do an anniversary photo shoot for our 10 year (kinda like an engagement shoot)
- Paint all the rooms in the house.
- Attend a giant music festival (bonnaroo?)
- Have Blue/Turquoise hair… this is gonna happen!
- Fill out our family tree book for the kids.
- Train my dogs so they don't drive me crazy.
- Go white water rafting with Handsome, this time on the same raft as my hubby ;)
- Write in my journal weekly at least.
- Get a gun license and learn to use the dang thing.
- Read start to finish all the Scriptures. (Old and New testament, BOM, D&C and PoGP)
Sunday, July 29, 2012
My Invisible Friends
Okay... so I personally don't have invisible friends. But my daughter does. I did not know this until last night on the way home from a baseball game and she started talking about her invisible friend... Tangled.
After she finished telling us about Tangled, I mentioned I'd never heard her talk about her Invisible Friends (imaginary friends... same thing. She calls them invisible because they're real to her, not imaginary... she just can't see them.) My husband said she's been talking about them for a little while now.
He actually said he freaked out a bit when she first started talking about them. He said he was worried she was "mentally broken."(I think he was joking... kinda) I CRACKED up laughing at this ... as someone who has felt mentally broken at times, this was just hilarious to me. Also at the fact that something that I thought was so NORMAL for a kid to do was something that troubled him.
Anyways, he said he actually googled about imaginary friends to see if our daughter was going to be weird or not (I'm actually all for having weird kids. Wouldn't bother me one bit.) Turns out, this whole imaginary friend thing is a big plus! Alot of kids with imaginary friends are very bright, creative, and can make excellent leaders later on in life (since they like being in control - hence making up friends where they dictate everything about that friend!)
I can totally see Moo being this type of kid. She's insanely creative, imaginative, and loves to be in charge. And I think this whole Invisible friend thing is actually kind of awesome. I want a few.
I want a gay invisible friend... a guy to tell me what to where, when to wear it, and compliment me endlessly on my looks. Though since he's made up in my mind, he'd really just be myself trying to talk myself into wearing the clothes I already own, and trying to make myself feel better when I feel I look frumpy.
I want an insanely confident invisible friend that does all those crazy things I want to do and don't have the courage (or balls) to do. This friend would rock. Her name would be Stevie and She'd dress just like Stevie Nicks... Total hippy. And she'd rock it too!
And I want an invisible encouragement fairy to follow me around constantly and take all the things I want to and tell me how I can do anything and can accomplish everything I want and just generally feed my brain full of awesome perky singsong pep talk. I'm picturing her a bit like the good witch from the wizard of oz, but rounder.
So, if you had an imaginary friend (or if you already do) what would he/she be like?
After she finished telling us about Tangled, I mentioned I'd never heard her talk about her Invisible Friends (imaginary friends... same thing. She calls them invisible because they're real to her, not imaginary... she just can't see them.) My husband said she's been talking about them for a little while now.
He actually said he freaked out a bit when she first started talking about them. He said he was worried she was "mentally broken."(I think he was joking... kinda) I CRACKED up laughing at this ... as someone who has felt mentally broken at times, this was just hilarious to me. Also at the fact that something that I thought was so NORMAL for a kid to do was something that troubled him.
Anyways, he said he actually googled about imaginary friends to see if our daughter was going to be weird or not (I'm actually all for having weird kids. Wouldn't bother me one bit.) Turns out, this whole imaginary friend thing is a big plus! Alot of kids with imaginary friends are very bright, creative, and can make excellent leaders later on in life (since they like being in control - hence making up friends where they dictate everything about that friend!)
I can totally see Moo being this type of kid. She's insanely creative, imaginative, and loves to be in charge. And I think this whole Invisible friend thing is actually kind of awesome. I want a few.
I want a gay invisible friend... a guy to tell me what to where, when to wear it, and compliment me endlessly on my looks. Though since he's made up in my mind, he'd really just be myself trying to talk myself into wearing the clothes I already own, and trying to make myself feel better when I feel I look frumpy.
I want an insanely confident invisible friend that does all those crazy things I want to do and don't have the courage (or balls) to do. This friend would rock. Her name would be Stevie and She'd dress just like Stevie Nicks... Total hippy. And she'd rock it too!
And I want an invisible encouragement fairy to follow me around constantly and take all the things I want to and tell me how I can do anything and can accomplish everything I want and just generally feed my brain full of awesome perky singsong pep talk. I'm picturing her a bit like the good witch from the wizard of oz, but rounder.
So, if you had an imaginary friend (or if you already do) what would he/she be like?
Monday, July 9, 2012
My First Fellow Blogger Award
I received my first blog award and didn't even know it y'all! I finally realized it last night/this morning so here it is!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Crazy Mama (we have alot in common.) She can cuss like a sailor so all you mormon mommies have been warned. I think this is one of my favorite of her posts, and one of the first I ever read!
So here's the fun part...
The 11 questions are simple: choose one of each
Romance or historical - ROMANCE
Dystopia or Mystery - MYSTERY
Christian fiction or Sci-fiction - SCI-FI
Chick lit or Thriller - CHICK LIT
Poetry or Memoir - MEMOIR
Short stories or YA - YA
Historical Romance or Paranormal - PARANORMAL
Spiritual or Fantasy - SPIRITUAL
Cookbook or Health and Fitness - COOKBOOK
Erotic or Street Lit - STREET LIT
Super Hero or Fairy Tale - FAIRY TALE (with a cape)
11 Things about ME!
1) I hate the number 11, no really... phobia.
2) I'm constantly paranoid about what people are thinking.
3) I don't want to do anything today, but had planned on super cleaning my home. We'll see what happens.
4) My favorite sound in the world is my girls laughing.
5) I have a crush on my hubby
6) 3 is my favorite number ever. But I want 4 kids (an even number so everyone has someone to ride beside on a roller coaster.)
7) I've wanted to have another baby for a while, but now that it's almost time to start trying, I may be rethinking things.
8) I don't like to eat breakfast. It makes me sick.
9) I want to go to the library and find some good books, but I have a library fine that is hindering me from going.
10) Dr. Pepper is my boyfriend. I love it.
11) My baby is whining right now and It's driving me crazy. Seriously. I want her to go away. Not too far, just far enough that I can't hear the whining.
I have to answer 11 questions:
1) What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Well I was asked this question when I was a girl at girls camp (I'm still a girl, though no longer at girls camp.) Me and a friend tried to concoct the nastiest thing we could in order to win the Klondike bars. We threatened to give ourselves swirlies in the latrine. We won.
2) Paper or plastic?
This totally depends... But I'll go plastic. Takes longer to decompose, but it holds better.
3) 12/21/2012, what do you think?
I will be SO FREAKING SURPRISED if the world ends, but maybe something big happens.
4) Wanna dance?
OF COURSE! I love to dance, especially in my pajamas while I crank Prince and clean!
5) Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Katie stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
6) Can you wash your hands in public?
Yeah, most of the time, but the stupid toilets that flush on their own tend to ignore me. Maybe my butt is not quite big enough yet... A couple more kids will fix that, I'm sure.
7) Who do you think you are?
Last time I checked I was Keaven. I'm still kinda crazy. Still Mormon. I still stay at home. I love to sew, draw, paint, crochet, dance, sing, laugh, tickle, play yahtzee in bed with the hubby, and way too much more to write. I'll blog about it all one day.
8) Ever been hypnotized?
Nope, but I would like to!
9) Describe your blog in a word.
Kooky
10) How bout mine?
Genius ;P
11) Count some of your blessings.
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six...
What? Is that not what you asked?
Fine. Here they are. This list is not all inclusive by any means cause we'd be here forever if it was...
My 2 beautiful smart daughters who make me laugh constantly.
My insanely attractive husband who also makes me laugh, especially when I don't want to.
Our beautiful home in the neighborhood we've talked about since we got married.
My calling at church.
My van we got from my parents.
Hubby's work, the security of it, how close it is.
Our 2 furbabies.
My family
My friends
I have 11 questions for my awardees:
1) If you could only keep one memory, what would it be?
2) Who is your best friend?
3) Do you act your age?
4) What is your favorite hobby?
5) Favorite food?
6) If you could speak another language fluently, which one would you speak?
7) Is the glass half empty or half full?
8) Google, Yahoo search, Bing?
9) If you could do or be anything (really ANYTHING) what would you do or be?
10) Who are your Heroes?
11) What is your favorite quality in another person?
The 3 bloggers lucky enough to win are:
Brittney at Boyfriend in my Pocket
Kelly at Princess & the Pi
Niven at The Diary of a Doormat
Just do what I did. Answer the first set of questions, then 11 things about yourself, then my questions for you. Then award 3 other blogs. Love y'all
Thank you, thank you, thank you Crazy Mama (we have alot in common.) She can cuss like a sailor so all you mormon mommies have been warned. I think this is one of my favorite of her posts, and one of the first I ever read!
So here's the fun part...
The 11 questions are simple: choose one of each
Romance or historical - ROMANCE
Dystopia or Mystery - MYSTERY
Christian fiction or Sci-fiction - SCI-FI
Chick lit or Thriller - CHICK LIT
Poetry or Memoir - MEMOIR
Short stories or YA - YA
Historical Romance or Paranormal - PARANORMAL
Spiritual or Fantasy - SPIRITUAL
Cookbook or Health and Fitness - COOKBOOK
Erotic or Street Lit - STREET LIT
Super Hero or Fairy Tale - FAIRY TALE (with a cape)
11 Things about ME!
1) I hate the number 11, no really... phobia.
2) I'm constantly paranoid about what people are thinking.
3) I don't want to do anything today, but had planned on super cleaning my home. We'll see what happens.
4) My favorite sound in the world is my girls laughing.
5) I have a crush on my hubby
6) 3 is my favorite number ever. But I want 4 kids (an even number so everyone has someone to ride beside on a roller coaster.)
7) I've wanted to have another baby for a while, but now that it's almost time to start trying, I may be rethinking things.
8) I don't like to eat breakfast. It makes me sick.
9) I want to go to the library and find some good books, but I have a library fine that is hindering me from going.
10) Dr. Pepper is my boyfriend. I love it.
11) My baby is whining right now and It's driving me crazy. Seriously. I want her to go away. Not too far, just far enough that I can't hear the whining.
I have to answer 11 questions:
1) What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Well I was asked this question when I was a girl at girls camp (I'm still a girl, though no longer at girls camp.) Me and a friend tried to concoct the nastiest thing we could in order to win the Klondike bars. We threatened to give ourselves swirlies in the latrine. We won.
2) Paper or plastic?
This totally depends... But I'll go plastic. Takes longer to decompose, but it holds better.
3) 12/21/2012, what do you think?
I will be SO FREAKING SURPRISED if the world ends, but maybe something big happens.
4) Wanna dance?
OF COURSE! I love to dance, especially in my pajamas while I crank Prince and clean!
5) Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Katie stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
6) Can you wash your hands in public?
Yeah, most of the time, but the stupid toilets that flush on their own tend to ignore me. Maybe my butt is not quite big enough yet... A couple more kids will fix that, I'm sure.
7) Who do you think you are?
Last time I checked I was Keaven. I'm still kinda crazy. Still Mormon. I still stay at home. I love to sew, draw, paint, crochet, dance, sing, laugh, tickle, play yahtzee in bed with the hubby, and way too much more to write. I'll blog about it all one day.
8) Ever been hypnotized?
Nope, but I would like to!
9) Describe your blog in a word.
Kooky
10) How bout mine?
Genius ;P
11) Count some of your blessings.
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six...
What? Is that not what you asked?
Fine. Here they are. This list is not all inclusive by any means cause we'd be here forever if it was...
My 2 beautiful smart daughters who make me laugh constantly.
My insanely attractive husband who also makes me laugh, especially when I don't want to.
Our beautiful home in the neighborhood we've talked about since we got married.
My calling at church.
My van we got from my parents.
Hubby's work, the security of it, how close it is.
Our 2 furbabies.
My family
My friends
I have 11 questions for my awardees:
1) If you could only keep one memory, what would it be?
2) Who is your best friend?
3) Do you act your age?
4) What is your favorite hobby?
5) Favorite food?
6) If you could speak another language fluently, which one would you speak?
7) Is the glass half empty or half full?
8) Google, Yahoo search, Bing?
9) If you could do or be anything (really ANYTHING) what would you do or be?
10) Who are your Heroes?
11) What is your favorite quality in another person?
The 3 bloggers lucky enough to win are:
Brittney at Boyfriend in my Pocket
Kelly at Princess & the Pi
Niven at The Diary of a Doormat
Just do what I did. Answer the first set of questions, then 11 things about yourself, then my questions for you. Then award 3 other blogs. Love y'all
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Depth of Feelings
I was thinking the other day about how bad I feel sometimes. It is overwhelming. It effects everything about me, my thoughts, my speech, my demeanor, my looks, my posture, how I treat myself and those around me... Sometimes it hurts so much that I would rather be done with life than to continue feeling that bad.
(I AM NOT SUICIDAL. AT NO POINT HAVE I WANTED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE! Hurt so badly that I ache for the pain to stop, however that has to happen, yes... but end my life on my own? Nope. And that's not what this post is about anyways.) I have numerous times felt so horrible all I could do was curl up and cry, and not just crying to myself, but down on the floor in the fetal position sobbing so hard my entire body is shaking.
I've had so many people think that I'm just sad sometimes. I'm not sad sometimes. The heartbreak that I feel is not like some teenage girl trying to get over a crush. My whole soul wrenches. It aches. It pleads for peace, for a moment's peace... just a millisecond of hope to help me get through. Nothing really helps in those moments of complete despair and darkness. I can pray, receive blessings, try to read scriptures, try to talk about it, but usually it just has to pass. All I can do is to endure to the end.
I am not a sad person. I am not a depressed person. I am a happy person who happens to struggle with a disease. But I am kinda grateful in some ways for that disease. Because I have felt such pain, heartbreak, despair, darkness, I can celebrate the times I have happiness and peace and joy and laughter. I can be furiously happy and laugh my ass off at the hilarity of life because I have known the opposite. And to be honest, I think I would rather feel the extremes than to just kind of hang somewhere in the middle. I've been there (thanks to drugs) and did not like it.
I will take the tears, the hurt, the ache if it means I can laugh til my stomach hurts, I can be happy for those days where my mind is my own. I can dance around my home like an idiot and enjoy how good it feels to just be alive with my gorgeous little girls and my incredibly sexy husband. I can love the things in this life that make me happy and not be embarrassed by them or by who I am.
I have wondered over and over again why it is that I have to struggle with such a hard disease. It's not like there's one simple answer out there to make me better. Like with my Asthma, I have an attack, I use my inhaler, end of story. I know that cats trigger it so I stay away from them. It's easy. It's fixable. Depression is so much different. Yes there is medication, but often the side effects can be as bad as the symptoms. I have not taken an antidepressant in a month, yet I'm still having "brain shivers" from coming off of them. I don't want the meds. I don't want the side effects. I don't want to feel numb. If I have to feel this pain in order to feel the joy and happiness that I have had, then so be it. I will endure to the end. I will not give up, and I will also continue to appreciate the little things in this life that make me furiously happy.
The heart break that I feel sometimes is not just me feeling sad.
(I AM NOT SUICIDAL. AT NO POINT HAVE I WANTED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE! Hurt so badly that I ache for the pain to stop, however that has to happen, yes... but end my life on my own? Nope. And that's not what this post is about anyways.) I have numerous times felt so horrible all I could do was curl up and cry, and not just crying to myself, but down on the floor in the fetal position sobbing so hard my entire body is shaking.
I've had so many people think that I'm just sad sometimes. I'm not sad sometimes. The heartbreak that I feel is not like some teenage girl trying to get over a crush. My whole soul wrenches. It aches. It pleads for peace, for a moment's peace... just a millisecond of hope to help me get through. Nothing really helps in those moments of complete despair and darkness. I can pray, receive blessings, try to read scriptures, try to talk about it, but usually it just has to pass. All I can do is to endure to the end.
I am not a sad person. I am not a depressed person. I am a happy person who happens to struggle with a disease. But I am kinda grateful in some ways for that disease. Because I have felt such pain, heartbreak, despair, darkness, I can celebrate the times I have happiness and peace and joy and laughter. I can be furiously happy and laugh my ass off at the hilarity of life because I have known the opposite. And to be honest, I think I would rather feel the extremes than to just kind of hang somewhere in the middle. I've been there (thanks to drugs) and did not like it.
I will take the tears, the hurt, the ache if it means I can laugh til my stomach hurts, I can be happy for those days where my mind is my own. I can dance around my home like an idiot and enjoy how good it feels to just be alive with my gorgeous little girls and my incredibly sexy husband. I can love the things in this life that make me happy and not be embarrassed by them or by who I am.
I have wondered over and over again why it is that I have to struggle with such a hard disease. It's not like there's one simple answer out there to make me better. Like with my Asthma, I have an attack, I use my inhaler, end of story. I know that cats trigger it so I stay away from them. It's easy. It's fixable. Depression is so much different. Yes there is medication, but often the side effects can be as bad as the symptoms. I have not taken an antidepressant in a month, yet I'm still having "brain shivers" from coming off of them. I don't want the meds. I don't want the side effects. I don't want to feel numb. If I have to feel this pain in order to feel the joy and happiness that I have had, then so be it. I will endure to the end. I will not give up, and I will also continue to appreciate the little things in this life that make me furiously happy.
The heart break that I feel sometimes is not just me feeling sad.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Where else can I whine but here?
This is MY blog after all, and I can whine if I want to.
Today sucks... For absolutely no reason at all. Okay fine... maybe there is a ton of shit on my mind.
Want a list?
I've tried distractions. I've tried working on my list. Nothing is helping and I just keep sinking farther and father today. It's BOLOGNA! I can't see that word and not say Bo-log-nah in my head. Just can't.
I need good pick me up ideas. Comment and let me know what you do to pick yourself up. I need some ideas...
So 1...2...3... GO. Comment. What are you waiting for? Hurry Up! Do it! NOW.
Okay, I'm sorry for yelling. I just hate feeling funky.
Today sucks... For absolutely no reason at all. Okay fine... maybe there is a ton of shit on my mind.
Want a list?
- I'm worried about my sister
- I need to call our car ins and switch it over
- I need to call the dr office to schedule my daughter's apt to get her up to date on shots
- I'm worried about the truck we sold to another sister
- I need to call the hospital to schedule payments
- I need to call a friend about writing for his website
- I need to finish cleaning my house... no REALLY cleaning... Not just picking up and vacuuming, but dusting and washing and scrubbing and organizing.
- I need to finish hanging up the laundry.
- Both my daughters are sick from how hot it's been (they're both broken out all over their faces and backs and arms in heat rash.)
- My yard is dead. I want a garden. I can't have one.
- I need to take my dogs out but they stink and I don't feel good enough to give them a bath.
- Hubby is at work so I'm left at home all alone to deal with this funk myself.
- I lost my phone so I have no ones numbers and don't really know who'd I'd call anyways.
- I need to finish a painting.
- I need to finish coloring the name signs for my nieces and nephews.
I've tried distractions. I've tried working on my list. Nothing is helping and I just keep sinking farther and father today. It's BOLOGNA! I can't see that word and not say Bo-log-nah in my head. Just can't.
I need good pick me up ideas. Comment and let me know what you do to pick yourself up. I need some ideas...
So 1...2...3... GO. Comment. What are you waiting for? Hurry Up! Do it! NOW.
Okay, I'm sorry for yelling. I just hate feeling funky.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
1st Annual Mommy Blogger Scholarship
So, I just found this on Twitter...
(please note the badge on the right side of this blog... it may be towards the bottom)
As a new "mommy blogger", I think this scholarship thing is AMAZING and just finished my application. I wanted to share a bit of it with you if you don't mind...
The very last question on the application was
"What do you need most as a mother?"
And my response?
Charity - pure unconditional love.
I need this from the mothers around me - Do not judge me because I don't mother the same way you do. Do not judge me because my kids get high fructose corn syrup. ;) Love me because we are sisters. Love me because we both understand what it feels like to have our hearts and souls walking around outside our bodies. Love me because I need to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who's ever just thrown a towel on a pee stained bed and waited til morning to take the sheets off, that I'm not the only one who has gotten so frustrated at my kids I wanted to drop kick them. I need to know that I'm not the only one who would lose it all if I ever lost my children.
I need Charity from my children. I need for them to love me no matter what. Love me when I lose my patience. Understand that I'm not perfect, but I'm trying my best. Love me when I struggle to get off the couch to make them breakfast. Love me because I tease them about being zombies and bite their pudgy little cheeks. Love me for making them stick to their responsibilities and for not doing things for them that they can do for themselves.
I need This kind of love from my husband. I need him to support me... again understand that I'm not perfect. I need him to feel just as passionately about me as I do him. I need him to realize that the number one way to take care of our children is to take care of each other. I need him to be forgiving when the dishes and laundry aren't done. I need him to not care about the chaos of having 9 of our nieces and nephews spend the night, and for him to jump in and play right along with me and the kids. I need him to love me in spite of my depression and anxiety, my constant questioning of him. I need him to love me for my craziness. I need to know he will always be there, right beside me, supporting me, as I support him.
I need Charity from myself - and this is the hardest one of all. I know my faults, my weaknesses, my desires, how often I give in, how often I feel guilt. I don't feel worth of those around me, my friends, my family, my children, my husband - heck even my house and my dogs. Being able to love myself regardless of all these things is one of the hardest at all, but the most desperately needed. You must love and take care of yourself in order to love and take care of others. It's not being selfish... it's appreciating this wonderful gift of life that you've been given. It's hardest to be compassionate and understanding with yourself, but it's the most crucial. This is something I have been learning over the past few months, and have tried to include in my blog. It's something I want other mothers/women/girls/humans to realize.
Love is what I need most. With that love from those around me and myself, I can do what I need to do to be the mother/woman/human I want to be (not perfect, but trying my hardest.)
If you are also a fellow mommy blogger, go check out the scholarship and apply. It couldn't hurt, right?
Sunday, July 1, 2012
My Zombie Family
If you didn't know... I'm a Zombie Mommy. That's right... a ZOMBIE MOMMY. And I have Zombie Children. Just ask them. They'll tell you. I'm a zombie mom cause I bite* them, and they're zombie children cause they like to bite their friends. We even have changed the words of a beloved church primary song from "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" to "Jesus wants me for a ZOMBIE" and it includes the line, "in every way try to eat them... at home, at school, at play."
I love to bite Mad-dog and I tell her it's cause she's "juicy." Hearing her chubby little face say "Cause I'm Jew-See" melts my heart.
*Now I don't honestly BITE my children. I tease them about biting them. And they don't bite their friends... at least they haven't yet. I think they understand that all this zombie talk is a joke... but again, they're only 3 and 5, so who knows!
The point of this post???
I found this at the mall yesterday...
I about peed my pants I was SO excited. I HAD to buy it.
I even stood barefoot on so hot it was melting pavement just to put it on my car today before church.
(kinda ironic in a way, right?)
The set only had one dog, though we have two... so that one sticker has to represent for both our beagles!
Also, when we add more zombies to our little family, I've got the extra stickers for them! Woohoo.
I love my little zombie family. I love that they let me have my weird way... Especially my zombie hubby. I'm sure when he was younger and imagined his future wife he was not imagining her pretending to be a zombie... but I think he loves me in spite of my craziness... or maybe even for it ;)
Bonus - if the zombie apocalypse ever really happens, I think we'll totally be safe cause of these stickers... whatcha think?
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Do it for yourself.
I have a friend (I'll call her Sam) who is one of my three heroes. I met Sam about 7 years ago I think. I could go on and on about how amazing she is, all that she has endured and overcome, but most of it is pretty personal and I don't feel comfortable sharing it all on here, but in my opinion, she's had WAY MORE than her fair share of trials in this life. Seriously... It's unreal!!!
I went out to see Sam yesterday very last minute... I called on the way. She was welcoming as always. I love going to her farm. Yes she has a farm! And it has everything a good farm has, cows, horses, chickens, rabbits, baby wild turkeys, a fully stocked pond with a dock to have picnics on... It's heaven on earth. My girls have a BLAST every time we go and it makes me ache to have them grow up in the country, but I digress.
When I first met Sam, we were instantly friends. Over the years she has become family. Every time I see her I know more and more that we were meant to be in each others lives. Yesterday, Sam and I sat in her room on the floor and talked for a couple hours. I had no idea how badly I needed that.
Sam has been through much of the same things I have in life and has many of the same issues (anxiety, depression, etc.) I was telling her about my struggle and the ways I'm trying to overcome it. I told her about being molested when I was 14, and feeling so sad for that little girl I was then. Sam told me she had been molested as a child as well. She told me she calls her younger self the "Summer Child." I told Sam about how I want to get better for my Handsome, for my girls, for the children we have yet to have... Sam told me something amazing.
The only way I will truly get better is to get better for myself. I will only truly overcome this awful disease if I do it for my own "summer child." I have to get better for that 14 year old girl who was hurt so badly. I have to get better for the 40 year old woman I will be someday. I have to get better for the 80 year old woman I will be.
It's weird when I say it out loud, but I don't feel like the me right now is worth it... is worthy of me being better, of me feeling better, of me being happy. But when I think about that girl I was, I want to get better to avenge what happened to her, the hurt she felt. When I think about the future me, I feel like I owe it to myself to do this.
I have tried to wake up in the morning and think, "I need to shower, shave my legs, fix my hair and do my make-up for Chris. I need to make a schedule for my girls." Everything I try to do, I'm doing for someone else. But I need to want these things for me. I need to make myself feel worthy again. And by slowly doing things like getting dressed and dolled up for myself, and no one else, will help me rebuild the relationship with myself, help me realize my own self worth, and hopefully, help me to stop the self abuse.
Thank you Sam. You help me to see that I am worth something. You help me feel that I am not alone. You uplift me so much. I pray that I help you do the same. I feel strong because you can see strength in me. I hope you feel the same. Thank you for all you have taught me and for being my sister. I adore you lady.
From now on... I'm doing this for myself.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Cleaning is good for the soul
I woke up this morning feeling like the pooh... and I don't mean Winnie.
(Yes, I like my jokes extra cheesy.)
(And sometimes dirty.)
My home has been a MESS lately and though I've had the desire to clean it, I could never quite get to that point mentally or physically. I was overwhelmed by it all and just couldn't make myself do it.
Today I did it. For the most part... the kitchen and some laundry is all that is left and it feels good. I've heard the saying over and over again that cleanliness is next to Godliness. And I completely believe that is true. In order to be a peace mentally, your home and surroundings need to be at peace as well... at least for me they do. Otherwise I sit there thinking about all the things I need to do and just more and more anxious over doing them and become paralyzed by the anxiety to the point where dirty laundry will sit for weeks and I'm on the verge of turning my underwear inside out so I can keep ignoring the stinky pile of clothes begging to be washed. (that may have been the longest sentence I've ever written without a comma.)
But anyways - The relief I feel from having done the work, the pride I feel at having the will power to get over my funk and just do it... It's wonderful. Yeah I still feel a bit like pooh... but it's more of a good pooh... more like Winnie and less like #2.
But on those days when I really can't make myself face the dishes (or crumbs on the carpet from the girls sneaking a bag of potato chips into their room... they're grounded now BTW) I remember something my mama taught me.
Dishes are the most patient things in the world. They will sit and quietly wait for you until you are ready to do them. Laundry as well. Sometimes there are more important things that can use whatever attention I can muster up. And this poem reminds me of what one of things is...
Thursday, May 31, 2012
If you're not broke...
don't read this.
I consider myself broken. I am not whole, perfect, or normal by any means.
I look at women who have it all together, women who are pretty, women who are tall, women who parent with gentle voices and don't threaten to eat their children, women who can work and take care of their house, women with clean homes, women with clean clothes, women with children dressed in the latest trends, women with their hair done, their nails done, their make up perfect... and I envy them.
I think they must be better than me, normal. I assume they think they're better than me.
I judge them and I do it harshly. I almost kind of hold myself separate from them because I consider myself broken. They could never understand me. They would never be able to relate to my struggles or my issues or my trials. In some ways it makes me feel better to judge. Then I can feel a bit better about the fact that my home is not clean or my hair is not fixed because these women feel they are too good for me so I don't have to talk to them and let them judge me while I judge them in return.
Over the past month of me writing this blog I have received so many emails and messages from people, some of whom I have been judging. They said thank you for my honesty about my struggle and related their own struggles to me and it opened my eyes in so many ways.
We are all broken in one way or another. No one in this world is whole or even normal.
We have to quit judging. We have to quit comparing. We have to realize we're all just doing our best with what we have and what we can handle. We have to stop comparing our worst to others' best. If we saw each other at that lowest point, we would feel nothing but compassion and empathy for one another. So many women have shown me just that, compassion and empathy, because I am putting my lows out there for the world to see. I have felt so uplifted by their messages and their reassurances that I am not alone.
I'm making a new goal for myself - NO MORE JUDGING.
I'm going to try not to judge those women around me who I think have it all and have it all together, because they don't. I'm going to quit judging myself based on some imagined "perfect mom" that I think I should be. I'm going to try to realize we're all doing what we can with what we have, and that's all that is required of us.
I'm going to try to be more friendly and open to the women I meet.
I think this will help be a bit happier, and love myself and those around me a bit more. Hopefully I can have more charity for everyone... after all... We're all broke. Every single one of us. And if we realize that maybe we can help fix ourselves and maybe others too.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
UPDATED: In this corner, at 4'10 5/8"...
So, Not really sure what I'm going to write right this second, but I feel the need to post today.
I am myself at this moment. I LOVE feeling like myself. Knowing who I am in my own skin. Not feeling like something else is taking over and controlling me. I feel like most of the time I'm in a boxing match against the depression. Sometimes I can knock it down long enough to get something done. Other times, I'm KO'ed in one hit and out for the rest of the match... But more and more often recently I have felt like myself. I think this is mostly due to my crazy pill, but I'm hoping that with some big changes (mentioned previously) that I will be able to not need any medication to feel like myself.
Because I feel like me today, I'm going to get some cleaning done. Hopefully my house will be spotless before I go to bed tonight. Now that I've posted this on here, and on Facebook earlier today, maybe that will make me do it. Can y'all hold me accountable? Everyone come over to inspect my home at 8! No, let's make it 10! Come on over and see how clean my house will be. There will be refreshments... served on the floor of course... because it will be clean enough to eat off of!
Okay, so enough procrastination. I'm off to clean while I'm me. Hope y'all are all having a good day today too. Here's hoping I've knocked out the depression long enough to get this crap done!
UPDATE:
http://thebloggess.com/2012/05/it-comes-around-and-around/
My hero posted this today... Making me even more grateful that I'm having a good day.
Also... The downstairs is spotless and the girls are falling asleep as I type. So excited to get the upstairs cleaned and my craft corner set up in my room so I can sew. Maybe I'll even post some photos when I'm done.
UPDATE:
http://thebloggess.com/2012/05/it-comes-around-and-around/
My hero posted this today... Making me even more grateful that I'm having a good day.
Also... The downstairs is spotless and the girls are falling asleep as I type. So excited to get the upstairs cleaned and my craft corner set up in my room so I can sew. Maybe I'll even post some photos when I'm done.
Friday, May 25, 2012
In an attempt to be more normal
I decided to make a Summer Bucket List with the girls.
I've seen tons of them all over and even tried to make one last year, but nothing really happened from it.
So I had an idea. I need a way to see what our options are check it off easily.
So I came up with this...
I took some cute Butterfly shaped post-its and wrote one thing to do on each one then stuck them on our huge dry erase board.
I also used my multi-colored sharpies to try and make it even cuter.
To be honest, I don't really care what it looks like... it's our list and it's done.
I'm thinking that on Sundays we'll decide what we're going to do that week and when... We only have like 60 something days til school starts back up, and I think there are over 60 things to do, so we probably won't get to all of them, but having the option to pick and choose makes me happy. Also, some of them we can do more than once, so we won't be removing it from our list once it's done. Some of these are local places and some are general things to do. Some we'll invite friends along and some we won't.
Anyways, Here's our Summer bucket list!
- Visit opry Mills
- go to the Adventure Science Center
- Go to Sonic in Nolensville for Happy Hour
- Visit cool Springs Mall
- Play in the Sand Box
- Have a slumber party
- Play dress up
- Mamie Camp (the girls will go and spend the week with my mom ;) I'm excited about this one and so are they!)
- Go to the Lake
- Go to the zoo
- swim in the backyard
- Go to the harpeth River
- Visit the Library for story time
- Visit the new downtownn park
- Visit the farmers market
- Play with playdough
- Go to Memphis
- Visit Cane Ridge Park
- Visit Beech Bend Park
- Set up a tent in the yard and camp out
- Go to a Sounds Baseball Game
- Go to Chattanooga
- Wash the cars
- Ride bikes
- Visit centennial park
- Walk the dogs
- Visit Mickey D's play place
- Play at the School playground
- Plant flowers
- Read stories
- Make a treat for some friends
- Visit Chick-fil-A play place
- Build a fort
- Movie night at home
- Lunch with Mrs. Evelyn
- Go to the drive in
- Play with sidewalk chalk
- Go to the farm
- Go see a movie ($2 theater)
- Work on sight words
- Visit the LDS Nashville Temple
- Make mud pies
- Play with Bubbles
- Play hide and seek
- Mani/Pedi's
- Paint pictures
- Have a treasure hunt
- Feed the ducks
- Visit a bounce house
- Go bowling
- Walk around the Opryland Hotel
- Visit the splash pad
- Slip n slide
- Have a picnic
- Take the Purity Dairy tour
- Shaving Cream Slip n slide
- Pick strawberries
- Visit Moss Wright Park
- Go to the library puppet show
- Visit Cheekwood botanical gardens
- Visit the Frist art museum
- Fly kites
- Play at the Bicentennial mall
- go roller skating
- visit the hermitage
- make books
- go get ice cream
- paint faces
- dance party
- Putt putt golf
- memorize articles of faith
- go to kids kingdom
- make bird houses
- make sock puppets
- have a yard sale
- visit the fire department
- have a tea party
- go fishing
- decorate shirts
- catch fireflies
If you think of any other fun things to do this summer, please let me know. If you'd like to join us on any of these, let me know. Hopefully this will keep me from hanging out on the couch all summer with the TV on. Hopefully I'll have the will power!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
My Boyfriend is a Dr. and the hubby don't mind.
Meet my Boyfriend... Dr. Pepper.
When I'm down he always picks me up. He's the best. So I'm drinking one right now... cause I've had a rough day. I was going to post this whole depressing thing about what a horrible mom I am because
1. I forgot to pick my daughter up from school on the VERY LAST DAY.
2. While I was ranting and raving to a friend (just venting) my daughter went and grabbed my crazy pills out of my purse and brought them to me.
3. I had a conversation this morning that went a little like this...
Mad-dog: Mama, are you tired from your medicine?
Me: Yes.
Mad-dog: Then maybe don't take your medicine. Then you won't be tired and can play with me.
Me: But if I don't, then I'll be crazy.
Mad-dog: Oh, Okay.
So, feeling like the worst mother in the world... I posted to facebook and then this happened...
Now I feel a million times better. I feel like I kick ass. Melissa is my older sister. She rocks and rocks HARD. Heather is the amazing woman who didn't know she was saving a seat for me when I went to Atlanta to see Jenny Lawson at her book signing. You can read about that HERE
I am surrounded by wonderful people who understand and love me. And now, with my boyfriend in my hand and a frosted rice krispy treat in the other, My day is a million times better. Thank you to all you crazy people like me out there. I adore you... even if I don't know you yet!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)