Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Tired and alone.

Feeling very lonely at the moment. I really am needing some help... desperately, and asking for it, and yet it seems like no one is answering. The friends who say "Let me know if you ever need a babysitter" can never babysit. The people at church who are there to help you out are all too busy to help you out. And family either has their own stuff going on or are all sick. So I'm left alone trying with everything in me not to lose it and to try and find a solution.

Tomorrow is going to be one of the most difficult days of my entire life. It will be Hell. Because I will be reliving, in explicit detail, the moments of my own personal hell. The moments that broke me, in nearly every single way possible. A wound that has abscessed, and needs to be cut out. And I'm doing that, taking the steps to cut it out and finally heal from it, but it's hard and it hurts and I'm alone.

I have been praying desperately for my Heavenly Father's presence through all of this, and I feel as if he's holding me up, because He knows I don't have the strength to do all this on my own. But there's only so much that spirit can do. It can't watch my kids for me. It can't give me a break from all the normal mom/holiday duties I've got going on in the background.

I am so grateful for that spirit of comfort, that has allowed me to get to this point, and to try and push forward, but I need more now. I need someone HERE. And when I look around, I don't see anyone. So what will have to happen, is I'll have to cancel the interview. Which only delays and prolongs the entire process, that in turns delays and prolongs the healing process.

But that's where I'm at right now. I've got nothing else. Time and time again I learn that the only people you can count on are Yourself, and Your Father in Heaven. And sometimes you can't even count on yourself.

It's not others faults. They have their own things. I understand, cause I have my things. It's just... hard. And I'm tired.

1 comment:

Katie and the Mr said...


I've left you a comment before. I just stumbled across your blog about 6 weeks ago... maybe longer. Who knows.

I just want you to know that I am reading and listening, even if we don't know each other.

I myself have bipolar 2 disorder. I had post-pardum depression really bad after my daughter (who is now 2), and I still have terrible thoughts and out of body visions of terrible things.

I still have night terrors 5 nights of the week and wake up hyperventilating in a cold sweat. It's quite terrible. Just know that even all the way over here, someone knows a little bit of what you are going through. Also know that the atonement of our Savior can help you through this.

I struggled with that concept for a long time. How could I use the Atonement if I wasn't sinning? I know you are a busy mom. But if you haven't read "A God Who Weeps", you definitely should. Jesus shares your sorrows and trials with you - you are not alone.

You are so so loved! Don't give up! You can do it!