Thursday, July 12, 2012

My Hell (Warning: May Trigger) (With UPDATE)

I sat down an hour and a half ago to begin writing out a story. This story is my story. It's terrible, and haunting, and makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

I am damn proud of myself right now. I just finished writing 17 pages worth. There is more to write but I cannot manage anything else at the moment. I have most of the major stuff written... kinda. I have more ideas and thoughts swimming in my head, but I'm physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I feel as if I have been beaten up and broken and left bleeding on the pavement. But I'm still proud. A bit scared of what I may do til sleep comes and replaces the thoughts in my head with some much needed nonsense...

But I just had a thought... I'll probably dream about it, about what I just put on paper to try to help ease it all out of my head. I will probably dream about him. The more I've thought about it, the more literal my dreams have been... no longer verging on metaphorical, but being much more straight forward. And it's scary. I wake up most mornings feeling as if I had been molested during the night. It's hard to share a bed with my husband when that is going on. It's hard to sleep at all when that is going on. So I've been staying up til the sun is rising and my eyelids can't possibly stay open for another second. I know those dreams are just that... dreams. They are not real. The touching, abuse, and trauma from them is not real. But the feelings, the pain, the hurt... all that IS real. And it sticks around, ruining my days and leading only to more sleepless/nightmarish nights.

And here are the chills, up and down my spine as I think about it all, like his nasty fingers on me. The headache and stomach ache have been there since I first began writing nearly 2 hours ago. The chest pains have come and gone while I wrote, depending on where I was in the story.

I'm scared to even move. I know I'm on the edge. Do I try to take something to calm myself down? Do I wake Handsome and ask for his help in distracting me? Do I just accept that my night is going to be Hell and get on with getting it over with? It's difficult because I guess I knew this would come from bringing up so much of the story to the forefront of my mind, So I probably shouldn't be writing it in the middle of the night, so that I can protect myself from moments such as this. But at the same time, This is about the only time I can find the privacy and "flow" to write it out.

I need something uplifting. Something to completely redirect my thoughts. Something to get these images out of my head. Anything to get HIM out of my mind. At least tomorrow(later today) I will be able to see my therapist and hash some of this out. But again, that will result in keeping all this in the forefront of my mind, leave it swirling in there, and it will be a shadow on the rest of the day. And handsome will not be home tomorrow night to be my safety net to catch me if/when I fall to far into hell. But a friend will be stopping by. Maybe the whole purpose of planning our catch-up was divinely inspired, so that I would not be alone during this time.

The most random thing I can think to do to lift my spirits at the moment is a McDonald's Rolo McFlurry. I love those freakin things. And I want one, right now. My reward, for a hard job well done. But I'm afraid to go alone. If I'm alone, I will feel the shadows behind me in the car. Not even the radio on full blast will shoo them away. If I'm alone there may be thoughts of self-harm that creep in, and I'm trying to avoid them at all costs... especially after I lost my head a bit this evening and hurt my thumb in a fit.

So I could wake Handsome up and see if he would be willing to go get me one, or ride with me. Pregnant women do stuff like that all the time right?  I have one awful baby in my head that needs a McFlurry to calm down... Only I can't use the excuse that he made me like that, so he had to deal with it... The exact opposite is true. He tries so hard to be understanding, to help, to relieve as much of the pain as he can, to be exactly what I need him to be (though most times neither one of  us know what that is.)  So If I wake him up to help me, there will be guilt from him losing sleep. He has work tomorrow, and scout camp after that. He needs to sleep. I need to be stronger. But as I said before... I'm tired. That story wears me out... and maybe I should have stopped before I got too deep into it.

Regardless, I need to stop thinking about this and find a distraction. Not sure what I'll find yet, but something (anything) has got to help.

I also found this website tonight. (  If you're trying to write about traumatic experiences in your life, this is a great place to go and check out. It helped me get started tonight. Maybe it could help you as well.

****I've had a few messages from people on FB and emails and others just checking on me to make sure I'm doing okay. I'm great. I ended up waking Chris up and we went to McDonald's at 3 in the morning (and they were busy... WTHeck?)  Turns out they were cleaning their ice cream machine, so no McFlurry, but Handsome helped me get my mind off everything and we laughed and laughed and ended up turning on the Princess Bride when we got back home. So yeah... I'm good. Thank you all for your concern and for making sure I'm doing good. I appreciate it and love you all.

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