Roller Coasters Make Me Sick

No really, they do. They kinda always have. I can handle a little bit at first... sometimes even 1/2 a day of it... but then something inside my head or whatever just clicks, and I can't take anymore. I love them though. I love the speed, my stomach flip flopping, the terror. Yes I'm afraid of heights, but that's not what stops me from riding. It the motion sickness. I can handle up and down okay. It's the round and round that gets me.

I've been on a different kind of coaster here lately. It's the round and round of depression that's making me sick... not just mentally, but physically as well.

Yesterday was amazing. I planned out the day and did most everything on my list. I had the strength to do it all and I kicked Monday's butt. Today on the other hand, I've been in my head. Remembering things I'd much rather forget. Thinking about people and places I wish didn't exist. Trying to tackle my to do list head on, only to have it knock me back on  my backside.

Depression is a lying bastard. Sorry for the harsh word. But it is. Anyone who has been there can attest to that truth. It tells you that you're nothing, you're worthless, you shouldn't try because you won't succeed. It makes you look at your blessings differently. You either don't feel worthy or you stop appreciating them. It makes you remember ever mistake you've ever made, things long since forgiven, things that no else remembers. But you do. Because depression makes you remember.

Over the past 4 months, I've been doing much better. I can handle most days. I might not be quite up to par with where I'd like to be, but I do pretty well. Those are the times I can handle, I can suck it up, I can stay on the coasters. After a while of riding, I get sick. I can't take it anymore. I want the ride to end. But it doesn't.

I can always think of things to do to help me feel better when I'm feeling okay. It's weird cause that's when I don't really need all the pick me ups. It's times like this, when I can't seem to even see straight that I need the help, but can't seem to find it ANYWHERE.

So today I feel awful. I can't even hardly think well enough right now to type. Every tiny thing is a distraction. Every tiny thing is a reason to give up. To not try and fight through it.

I know it won't last. For every low, there's a high just up ahead. For me, this is what enduring to the end really means. Though the depression is telling me to give up and give in, I'm not going to do it. I've got too much in life that makes me happy to let the Depression win.

So maybe I won't be able to completely enjoy doing the things I want to this evening, I'm going to do them anyways. Fake it til you make it... right? And maybe tomorrow won't be so hard.

Paralyzed

I am stressed to the max at the moment and when that happens, I stop doing everything, letting the to do list pile up and only increasing the stress level to the point where I explode and implode and it's all just a holy mess.

When I get like this, it usually ends one of two ways.
1. I get horribly sobby and hormonal and freak out on everyone and about everything until I give up on most of my to do list, making me feel like poop and starting a bad funk that takes me quite a while to get out of.
2. I get PISSED at myself for doing this all again and decide it's time I kick ass and get some crap done.

So... I am up tonight doing number 2 (No... not that number 2!). I have a few things written down that I am going to get done and I'm not going to bed until I do them. This could mean that I will be up into the wee hours of the morning. Actually, it definitely means that. Lucky for me, the girls have school tomorrow. So perhaps, if I get things ready enough, Handsome can get the girls off to school in the AM and I can maybe sleep in an extra hour or two before heading off to an appointment.

I'm hoping I can manage it. Sometimes the fire that gets lit under my behind tries to fizzle out. But all I have to do is look at that list again and I'm right back at being pissed that I have yet again failed to do the things I feel are necessary.

Do not think that this list is crazy crap and that I'm some sort of perfectionist. I'm not. I try to be realistic. The dishes need washing. The clothes need folding. The bills need paid. My work needs written. My goals need met. I don't expect to scrub every baseboard and finish every little sewing project I have in mind.

Yes, maybe I tend to overload myself... but if only myself was a bit more organized, I feel as if I could accomplish this all with no problem. There are plenty of hours during the day to do it, but as I said, I'm not organized, which is weird for a Virgo who LOVES to organize.

But I need to have a clean, steady home before I feel comfortable planning my time, and I can't have a clean home because I can't find the dang time to do it. It's a vicious cycle and I'm hoping I'll figure it all out one day.

For tonight though, I'm going to stay as pissed as I can. Angry cleaning is the best cleaning there is after all. Hopefully I can keep it up.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

My brain may just pack up and leave me. It's already distancing itself...

I'm a bit on overload at the moment. I realized today that I am keeping so busy, I'm becoming a bit numb. Too much to do, hence too little time to sit and really think about things and work on stuff that needs dealing with. School started today for the girls. I got a job writing for DailyBubble.com. I'm crocheting and sewing and drawing and cleaning and helping a friend plan her wedding. And I'm trying to work on me. Okay... so I've been avoiding that last one. After a couple very intensely emotional weeks, I needed a break. But I kinda went extreme with it and won't allow myself to really get emotional over anything. It's not smart, and this whole busy bee thing will only lead to a crash and a funk if I don't watch it and ensure that I'm taking care of myself during it all. (UGH, I'm trying to remember all the things I talked about with the therapist today, and I can't remember it all... I wonder if he'd mind if I started taking notes.)

So, my brain is getting aggravated with me, I'm sure. I'm kinda tuning it out and shutting it off and just going through motions without feeling or thinking. Some of that is good. The bad thoughts need to go. But, that doesn't mean the good have to go with them. And in all honesty, some of those bad thoughts are necessary and can lead to good enlightened thoughts when dealt with the correct way... by figuring out why they're there and how to refashion them or praying for inspiration on how to fix them. That may be very vague... did anyone get that?

SO, I've been writing alot. Over 2500 words a day actually. But it's all celebrity news for the DailyBubble.com (Go check them out and tell your friends... Please? Thanks!) That's a bunch of words though. And that does not include facebook and twitter... this blog... or my narrative. The last two I need to work on much more... and probably will focus more on them next week while the girls are gone to school. This whole writing all the time thing is never something I really thought I'd do, but it kinda fits in some ways.

A decade ago it seems like all I did was write. I wrote notes constantly in High School, plus, you know, school work. I also constantly wrote poetry and stories (most were very dark and kinda disturbing now that I look back on them.) And when I wasn't writing that kind of stuff, I kept journals. I was actually VERY thorough with them, right up until I met my husband and we got married and all that jazz. I even have a list in one of them of every boy I've ever kissed. I started it when I was 14 and had my first kiss. Not sure it's the hubs favorite, but all that matter is his name is last on it, right?

Okay... So, I used to write ALOT. I have actually kept alot of it too. I have all my poetry and stories, I've kept all my journals, and I've even kept some letters and notes from high school. A part of me feels like there's a reason to keep them. I feel a need to share my story, if for nothing else than to put it in writing so that I personally can learn from it. Once I can put words to emotions and events, I can take them and figure them out, pick them apart, try and learn whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from them.

Okay... so... the point of this post... I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off because I'm trying to avoid feeling... that directly affects the blog and my narrative because they're usually all about feeling and issues and such. So, I'm going to remember to BREATHE. To take care of myself. To take advantage of those moments when I get lost in housework and such, but also allow for moments of feeling, whether it's good or bad or ugly. I'm going to work more on the 'for me' writing. And hopefully my brain won't hate me and punish me with a funk. Hopefully.

My Invisible Friends

Okay... so I personally don't have invisible friends.  But my daughter does. I did not know this until last night on the way home from a baseball game and she started talking about her invisible friend... Tangled.

After she finished telling us about Tangled, I mentioned I'd never heard her talk about her Invisible Friends (imaginary friends... same thing. She calls them invisible because they're real to her, not imaginary... she just can't see them.) My husband said she's been talking about them for a little while now.

He actually said he freaked out a bit when she first started talking about them. He said he was worried she was "mentally broken."(I think he was joking... kinda) I CRACKED up laughing at this ... as someone who has felt mentally broken at times, this was just hilarious to me. Also at the fact that something that I thought was so NORMAL for a kid to do was something that troubled him.

Anyways, he said he actually googled about imaginary friends to see if our daughter was going to be weird or not (I'm actually all for having weird kids. Wouldn't bother me one bit.) Turns out, this whole imaginary friend thing is a big plus! Alot of kids with imaginary friends are very bright, creative, and can make excellent leaders later on in life (since they like being in control - hence making up friends where they dictate everything about that friend!)

I can totally see Moo being this type of kid. She's insanely creative, imaginative, and loves to be in charge. And I think this whole Invisible friend thing is actually kind of awesome. I want a few.

I want a gay invisible friend... a guy to tell me what to where, when to wear it, and compliment me endlessly on my looks. Though since he's made up in my mind, he'd really just be myself trying to talk myself into wearing the clothes I already own, and trying to make myself feel better when I feel I look frumpy.

I want an insanely confident invisible friend that does all those crazy things I want to do and don't have the courage (or balls) to do. This friend would rock. Her name would be Stevie and She'd dress just like Stevie Nicks... Total hippy. And she'd rock it too!

And I want an invisible encouragement fairy to follow me around constantly and take all the things I want to and tell me how I can do anything and can accomplish everything I want and just generally feed my brain full of awesome perky singsong pep talk. I'm picturing her a bit like the good witch from the wizard of oz, but rounder.

So, if you had an imaginary friend (or if you already do) what would he/she be like?

Ode to my Hoodies

(I don't really have a ton on my mind right now, or not anything worth writing about. School is getting ready to start like next week and we're trying to get ready for that so if I'm MIA, don't freak. I'm around... just with other things on my mind.)

There are very few things I love in this world more than a HOODIE.

For me, it's like wearing a blanket. Only better... because it's not like a snuggie. And I wear them all year long. It could be 90 outside and you still might find me in a hoodie... sleeves shoved up to my elbows. Just ask my friends. They'll tell you. 

I own a few hoodies. 26 to be exact. I don't own 26 of anything else. I don't even have that many shoes (TOTAL... not pairs.)  But hoodies... I love em. Can't get enough of em! 

Some of my hoodies are over 10 years old.

And some are from the College years... or year... actually like 3 months. 

I went for 1 semester... don't judge. 

This next one is because I'm a Fan by marriage! Not that I'm not a real fan. I am. But I wasn't until I got married.

This next one is my favorite band. Kings of Leon. And I bought this at a concert. My second KOL concert actually.

And another fav... I got this one on vacation in Florida. I begged the hubs for a hoodie and he said yes with one stipulation. He had to pick it out. This is the one I had wanted anyways.

Having such a large collection there are some that never get worn. But I'm saving them. Because eventually I'm going to make one EPIC quilt out of all my hoodies. And it is going to be the most amazing quilt ever!

And then I'll get to start my collection all over... because you always have to have some hoodies to wear.

No Phone Home

I got a new phone. 

That might not be a big deal to most people, but I have been without a phone since June 24th or something like that. That's right... NO PHONE AT ALL. 

I realized that I kind of like not having a phone. I like that I can hide away from the world. If I wanted to get a hold of someone, I had my ways. I did still have the internet after all... and that helped. There were just a couple times it really sucked, like needing to call my doctor, or the girls doctor, or the girls school, or family. But for the most part, It kinda rocked. 

So now that I have a phone again... I still have no numbers, so I can't call anyone really. Because I don't remember numbers except for the essentials, Hubby, the in-laws, and my parents. That's pretty much it. And to be honest, even if I had numbers, I probably wouldn't call because who actually calls anyone now-a-days.  Texting is so much easier... less personal for sure, but easier... faster too, unless  you're driving.  Then phone call it is, but again, that's usually only to one of the 3 previously mentioned peeps. 

So yeah... 

Anyways, since I kind of enjoyed living without a phone for a while, I may try it out regularly. Just take days off from my phone. 

Now if only I could do that with the internet!

Sleep is overrated...

And that's my excuse for not doing it tonight. I can't believe I have almost stayed up til 5am. That pooh is crazy. Maybe I'll be able to sleep in a bit. Maybe I should try and go to bed before tomorrow. Maybe.

ANYWHO - I love music. It can help me sleep sometimes.

Here's a great song to relax and try to go to sleep to...

When I was in high school, I would put this song in my CD player and play it on Repeat with headphones on all night. It was wonderful. I always slept like baby.

Here's another one, I still and will always love this song.

My favorite line in that song is "I can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart, or dig myself a little hole, inside your precious heart." I wrote it on everything when I was in High School... notebooks, schoolbooks... whatever.

And last, here's a song that has kinda been my Anthem recently.

And on that note, I'm heading to bed. Sleep will come eventually, right? 

Where else can I whine but here?

This is MY blog after all, and I can whine if I want to.


Today sucks... For absolutely no reason at all. Okay fine... maybe there is a ton of shit on my  mind.


Want a list?

• I'm worried about my sister

• I need to call our car ins and switch it over

• I need to call the dr office to schedule my daughter's apt to get her up to date on shots

• I'm worried about the truck we sold to another sister

• I need to call the hospital to schedule payments

• I need to call a friend about writing for his website

• I need to finish cleaning my house... no REALLY cleaning... Not just picking up and vacuuming, but dusting and washing and scrubbing and organizing.

• I need to finish hanging up the laundry.

• Both my daughters are sick from how hot it's been (they're both broken out all over their faces and backs and arms in heat rash.)

• My yard is dead. I want a garden. I can't have one.

• I need to take my dogs out but they stink and I don't feel good enough to give them a bath.

• Hubby is at work so I'm left at home all alone to deal with this funk myself.

• I lost my phone so I have no ones numbers and don't really know who'd I'd call anyways.

• I need to finish a painting.

• I need to finish coloring the  name signs for my nieces and nephews.

 I've tried distractions. I've tried working on my list. Nothing is helping and I just keep sinking farther and father today. It's BOLOGNA! I can't see that word and not say Bo-log-nah in my head. Just can't.


I need good pick me up ideas. Comment and let me know what you do to pick yourself up. I need some ideas...


So 1...2...3... GO.  Comment.  What are you waiting for? Hurry Up! Do it! NOW. 


Okay, I'm sorry for yelling. I just hate feeling funky. 

Wait... Stop Everything. I'm not ready for the 4th!

Yeah yeah, I know it's here already... but I'm not ready for it. 

I'm having a bit of a rough morning. I'm trying to ignore the shadow of impending doom that keeps following me around this GOSH DARN house but it's hard. 

So I'm about to pop in "I Love You, Man" and start on another painting. 

Then off to a birthday party, then maybe home? Not sure what after that. 

I'm just hoping and praying that this shadow goes away. 

Brain Overload

Yesterday was rough. Anyone who is my friend on FB or Twitter can vouch for me. 

I'm feeling much better, but the roughness is still lingering in the back of my mind, along with all the normal craziness. I got out of bed today around 3... PM. I've been sitting on the computer since then. My stomach and head hurts from no food, but I'm waiting til we all eat dinner together. 

My happy thought for the day, Magic Mike.

I will be seeing it tonight with a great friend. 

We both need the break. 

So my brain is on overload, but I can't wait to shut it off and enjoy a trashy movie with great lady. 

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend. 

Raw

So, I can't bring myself to write this post. My emotions have been severely raw because of some therapy stuff and I realized I've been hiding these emotions from everyone, including myself.

I need to be honest and open and real about it all, but I can't at the moment. Beginning would only bring hours of tears and heartache and I'm not ready to face it right now... I'm kinda sick... Physically... and that makes the mental and emotional stuff only that much harder.

I also am staying at my mom's and dad's right now and I'm surrounded by prying eyes.  Not that my family pries, but me having an emotional breakdown with everyone watching is not ideal.

So yeah... My emotions are crazy raw and I'm trying to find the strength to be honest.  It's not coming yet, but I'm admitting that I need to get there... That's a step in the right direction, if only a baby one.

But be prepared, at some point the words will start to flow and I don't think I'll be able to hold them back.

Ready, Set... DRAW

So, last night I picked up some pens and paper and started drawing and I have hardly stopped all day. 

I'm making name prints for family and friends and I'm thinking about maybe opening up an etsy shop for them... If I do, I have so many different crafts I make, I wonder what in the world I would call my shop.

Anyways... Here's some of the stuff I've done today.

These are using a Bug/Insect theme.

This next one I did using a Sea theme. I think it's one of my favorites.

Here is a kite theme. I'm thinking about doing a few more cute quotes and sayings.

Flowers!

And my last one of the night... Safari. 

As soon I have the chance, I'll open up that shop and get this thing going... maybe making some extra cash ;) 

I did start a Flickr account for stuff, and I'll be adding more pics of new themes there. 

Check them out here!

Either way, All this drawing has helped to relieve some of the funk I've felt over the past few days. (some very sweet messages from friends and family have helped too. Thanks to those who I've talked to or who have written me. You've been great help.)

Do it for yourself.

I have a friend (I'll call her Sam) who is one of my three heroes. I met Sam about 7 years ago I think. I could go on and on about how amazing she is, all that she has endured and overcome, but most of it is pretty personal and I don't feel comfortable sharing it all on here, but in my opinion, she's had WAY MORE than her fair share of trials in this life. Seriously... It's unreal!!!

I went out to see Sam yesterday very last minute... I called on the way. She was welcoming as always. I love going to her farm.  Yes she has a farm! And it has everything a good farm has, cows, horses, chickens, rabbits, baby wild turkeys, a fully stocked pond with a dock to have picnics on... It's heaven on earth. My girls have a BLAST every time we go and it makes me ache to have them grow up in the country, but I digress.

When I first met Sam, we were instantly friends. Over the years she has become family. Every time I see her I know more and more that we were meant to be in each others lives. Yesterday, Sam and I sat in her room on the floor and talked for a couple hours. I had no idea how badly I needed that. 

Sam has been through much of the same things I have in life and has many of the same issues (anxiety, depression, etc.) I was telling her about my struggle and the ways I'm trying to overcome it. I told her about being molested when I was 14, and feeling so sad for that little girl I was then. Sam told me she had been molested as a child as well. She told me she calls her younger self the "Summer Child." I told Sam about how I want to get better for my Handsome, for my girls, for the children we have yet to have... Sam told me something amazing.

The only way I will truly get better is to get better for myself. I will only truly overcome this awful disease if I do it for my own  "summer child." I have to get better for that 14 year old girl who was hurt so badly. I have to get better for the 40 year old woman I will be someday. I have to get better for the 80 year old woman I will be. 

It's weird when I say it out loud, but I don't feel like the me right now is worth it... is worthy of me being better, of me feeling better, of me being happy. But when I think about that girl I was, I want to get better to avenge what happened to her, the hurt she felt. When I think about the future me, I feel like I owe it to myself to do this. 

I have tried to wake up in the morning and think, "I need to shower, shave my legs, fix my hair and do my make-up  for Chris. I need to make a schedule for my girls." Everything I try to do, I'm doing for someone else. But I need to want these things for me. I need to make myself feel worthy again. And by slowly doing things like getting dressed and dolled up for myself, and no one else, will help me rebuild the relationship with myself, help  me realize my own self worth, and hopefully, help me to stop the self abuse. 

Thank you Sam. You help me to see that I am worth something. You help me feel that I am not alone. You uplift me so much. I pray that I help you do the same. I feel strong because you can see strength in me. I hope you feel the same. Thank you for all you have taught me and for being my sister. I adore you lady. 

From now on... I'm doing this for myself.

Cleaning is good for the soul

I woke up this morning feeling like the pooh... and I don't mean Winnie.

(Yes, I like my jokes extra cheesy.)

(And sometimes dirty.)

My home has been a MESS lately and though I've had the desire to clean it, I could never quite get to that point mentally or physically. I was overwhelmed by it all and just couldn't make myself do it.

Today I did it. For the most part... the kitchen and some laundry is all that is left and it feels good. I've heard the saying over and over again that cleanliness is next to Godliness. And I completely believe that is true.  In order to be a peace mentally, your home and surroundings need to be at peace as well... at least for me they do. Otherwise I sit there thinking about all the things I need to do and just more and more anxious over doing them and become paralyzed by the anxiety to the point where dirty laundry will sit for weeks and I'm on the verge of turning my underwear inside out so I can keep ignoring the stinky pile of clothes begging to be washed.  (that may have been the longest sentence I've ever written without a comma.)

But anyways - The relief I feel from having done the work, the pride I feel at having the will power to get over my funk and just do it... It's wonderful.  Yeah I still feel a bit like pooh... but it's more of a good pooh... more like Winnie and less like #2.

But on those days when I really can't make myself face the dishes (or crumbs on the carpet from the girls sneaking a bag of potato chips into their room... they're grounded now BTW) I remember something my mama taught me.

Dishes are the most patient things in the world. They will sit and quietly wait for you until you are ready to do them. Laundry as well. Sometimes there are more important things that can use whatever attention I can muster up. And this poem reminds me of what one of things is...

If you're not broke...

don't read this.

I consider myself broken. I am not whole, perfect, or normal by any means. 

I look at women who have it all together, women who are pretty,  women who are tall, women who parent with gentle voices and don't threaten to eat their children, women who can work and take care of their house, women with clean homes, women with clean clothes, women with children dressed in the latest trends, women with their hair done, their nails done, their make up perfect... and I envy them.

I think they must be better than me, normal. I assume they think they're better than me. 

I judge them and I do it harshly. I almost kind of hold myself separate from them because I consider myself broken. They could never understand me. They would never be able to relate to my struggles or my issues or my trials. In some ways it makes me feel better to judge. Then I can feel a bit better about the fact that my home is not clean or my hair is not fixed because these women feel they are too good for me so I don't have to talk to them and let them judge me while I judge them in return.

Over the past month of me writing this blog I have received so many emails and messages from people, some of whom I have been judging. They said thank you for my honesty about my struggle and related their own struggles to me and it opened my eyes in so many ways.

We are all broken in one way or another. No one in this world is whole or even normal.

We have to quit judging. We have to quit comparing. We have to realize we're all just doing our best with what we have and what we can handle. We have to stop comparing our worst to others' best. If we saw each other at that lowest point, we would feel nothing but compassion and empathy for one another. So many women have shown me just that, compassion and empathy, because I am putting my lows out there for the world to see. I have felt so uplifted by their messages and their reassurances that I am not alone. 

I'm making a new goal for myself - NO MORE JUDGING.

I'm going to try not to judge those women around me who I think have it all and have it all together, because they don't. I'm going to quit judging myself based on some imagined "perfect mom" that I think I should be. I'm going to try to realize we're all doing what we can with what we have, and that's all that is required of us. 

I'm going to try to be more friendly and open to the women I meet. 

I think this will help be a bit happier, and love myself and those around me a bit more. Hopefully I can have more charity for everyone... after all... We're all broke. Every single one of us. And if we realize that maybe we can help fix ourselves and maybe others too.

UPDATED: In this corner, at 4'10 5/8"...

So, Not really sure what I'm going to write right this second, but I feel the need to post today.

I am myself at this moment. I LOVE feeling like myself.  Knowing who I am in my own skin.  Not feeling like something else is taking over and controlling me. I feel like most of the time I'm in a boxing match against the depression. Sometimes I can knock it down long enough to get something done.  Other times, I'm KO'ed in one hit and out for the rest of the match... But more and more often recently I have felt like myself.  I think this is mostly due to my crazy pill, but I'm hoping that with some big changes (mentioned previously) that I will be able to not need any medication to feel like myself.

Because I feel like me today, I'm going to get some cleaning done. Hopefully my house will be spotless before I go to bed tonight. Now that I've posted this on here, and on Facebook earlier today, maybe that will make me do it.  Can y'all hold me accountable? Everyone come over to inspect my home at 8! No, let's make it 10!  Come on over and see how clean my house will be.  There will be refreshments... served on the floor of course... because it will be clean enough to eat off of!

Okay, so enough procrastination. I'm off to clean while I'm me. Hope y'all are all having a good day today too. Here's hoping I've knocked out the depression long enough to get this crap done!

UPDATE:
http://thebloggess.com/2012/05/it-comes-around-and-around/
My hero posted this today... Making me even more grateful that I'm having a good day.

Also... The downstairs is spotless and the girls are falling asleep as I type.  So excited to get the upstairs cleaned and my craft corner set up in my room so I can sew. Maybe I'll even post some photos when I'm done. 

In an attempt to be more normal

I decided to make a Summer Bucket List with the girls.

I've seen tons of them all over and even tried to make one last year, but nothing really happened from it.

So I had an idea.  I need a way to see what our options are check it off easily.

So I came up with this...

I took some cute Butterfly shaped post-its and wrote one thing to do on each one then stuck them on our huge dry erase board. 

I also used my multi-colored sharpies to try and make it even cuter. 

To be honest, I don't really care what it looks like... it's our list and it's done. 

I'm thinking that on Sundays we'll decide what we're going to do that week and when... We only have like 60 something days til school starts back up, and I think there are over 60 things to do, so we probably won't get to all of them, but having the option to pick and choose makes me happy. Also, some of them we can do more than once, so we won't be removing it from our list once it's done.  Some of these are local places and some are general things to do. Some we'll invite friends along and some we won't. 

Anyways, Here's our Summer bucket list!

1. Visit opry Mills
2.  go to the Adventure Science Center
3. Go to Sonic in Nolensville for Happy Hour
4. Visit cool Springs Mall
5. Play in the Sand Box
6. Have a slumber party
7. Play dress up
8. Mamie Camp (the girls will go and spend the week with my mom ;) I'm excited about this one and so are they!)
9. Go to the Lake
10. Go to the zoo
11. swim in the backyard
12. Go to the harpeth River
13. Visit the Library for story time
14. Visit the new downtownn park
15. Visit the farmers market
16. Play with playdough
17. Go to Memphis
18. Visit Cane Ridge Park
19. Visit Beech Bend Park
20. Set up a tent in the yard and camp out
21. Go to a Sounds Baseball Game
22. Go to Chattanooga
23. Wash the cars
24. Ride bikes
25. Visit centennial park
26. Walk the dogs
27. Visit Mickey D's play place
28. Play at the School playground
29. Plant flowers
30. Read stories
31. Make a treat for some friends
32. Visit Chick-fil-A play place
33. Build a fort
34. Movie night at home
35. Lunch with Mrs. Evelyn
36. Go to the drive in
37. Play with sidewalk chalk
38. Go to the farm
39. Go see a movie ($2 theater)
40. Work on sight words
41. Visit the LDS Nashville Temple
42. Make mud pies
43. Play with Bubbles
44. Play hide and seek
45. Mani/Pedi's
46. Paint pictures
47. Have a treasure hunt
48. Feed the ducks
49. Visit a bounce house
50. Go bowling
51. Walk around the Opryland Hotel
52. Visit the splash pad
53. Slip n slide
54. Have a picnic
55. Take the Purity Dairy tour
56. Shaving Cream Slip n slide
57. Pick strawberries
58. Visit Moss Wright Park
59. Go to the library puppet show
60. Visit Cheekwood botanical gardens
61. Visit the Frist art museum
62. Fly kites
63. Play at the Bicentennial mall
64. go roller skating
65. visit the hermitage
66. make books
67. go get ice cream
68. paint faces
69. dance party
70. Putt putt golf
71. memorize articles of faith
72. go to kids kingdom
73. make bird houses
74. make sock puppets
75. have a yard sale
76. visit the fire department
77. have a tea party
78. go fishing
79. decorate shirts
80. catch fireflies

If you think of any other fun things to do this summer, please let me know. If you'd like to join us on any of these, let me know.  Hopefully this will keep me from hanging out on the couch all summer with the TV on.  Hopefully I'll have the will power!

This is my Happy Face

Very convincing, isn't it?

Well today has been a good day (I actually showered!) I got to spend pretty much the entire day with T-bone's Pre-K class and Mad-dog was able to be there and participate as well. (Side note: Mad-dog was accepted into this class for the next school year. Way exciting. Only 20 kids out of like 300 get in! So I've been taking her up there when I can so she can get to know her teachers before school starts this fall. And then both my girls will be in school... SO EXCITED - insert mommy guilt here... because I shouldn't want my girls to be gone during the day... right?)

Moving on... 

Most days aren't that good. The majority are kinda okay, and a lot are pretty bad. I mean curled up crying in the fetal position bad. (And that actually happened yesterday, so it's not an exaggeration.) I was thinking about how often I put on a Happy Face for those around me when I'm feeling the complete opposite inside. I was talking with Handsome last night. I asked him why I feel the need to fake it for some people, but can be completely open with others. And actually now that I think about it, I'm not sure I really am completely open with anyone about my depression. I even hide some of it from Handsome - the one person who I know will not judge me or hold any of this against me - who knows me better than anyone else.

When I was in high school, I had a code word. Dandy. I had a few good friends who knew what it meant. If they asked how I was and I said dandy, they knew I was having a bad day, though the happy face was plastered on. But only a select few knew my secret... 

Obviously, I am putting this all on the Internet for everyone and their mom to read, so why do I still feel the need to hide my crazy from some people? Is it to protect myself or to protect others? Maybe a little of both... There are some people who are close to me that I feel the need to protect a bit from my crazy. I've seen them be completely freaked out by the things I've said about my depression, and I don't want to drive them off. Others, I'm afraid will dismiss my issues and treat them as nothing. Or worse, makes jokes about them. It's like a sibling... I can make fun of it, but you can't. I can say I'm crazy, but if anyone else says it, I'll turn into a pile of tears. 

Talking to Handsome, he related it to cancer, like I often do. Do people with cancer want everyone to know of their struggle? Or do they put on a brave face for those around them. They may mention the fact that they have the disease but brush off how badly they  hurt and how dire the situation is. Maybe I do that too. Most everyone in my life knows about my issues, but hardly any know the severity of it all.  And maybe it is to protect myself from the judgement and the ass backwards ideas that still surround depression and anxiety. 

What is the point of this post? I don't know... just to say that I fake it alot of the time. But I think we all do to some extent. We only let people see the parts of us we know they'll be comfortable with. I think that's okay though. Maybe it helps us all stay a bit more sane, less stressed for sure. And for me, every little bit helps.