Buried Alive

I have been in a funk for quite a while now. Usually they don't last quite this long. I'm generally able to pull myself out of the funk by now, but for some reason I haven't been able to yet. It probably has to do with my crazy schedule at the moment and this stupid cold I've been fighting for a while...

But I feel like I've been buried alive. And I'm suffocating. I can't hardly even think from one moment to the next what I'm supposed to be doing, and that has lead to either too much or not enough sleep and me hardly eating at all. I've always been the kind of person who only eats when I'm hungry, but when I'm hungry... LOOK OUT. I haven't been hungry in quite a while. I can go most days without eating at all, but I have to cook dinner for my family, so I usually will at least eat that meal.

I don't know what to do to pull myself out this time. Nothing is helping, and some things I can't do because of circumstances at the moment, like exercise. I can't physically exercise right now because I'm constantly on the verge of an asthma attack thanks to this stupid cold. I get winded from simply walking up and down the stairs... I'm not about to step outside in the humidity and attempt to go running... or walking for that matter.

I haven't been able to clean my  home... yes I can pick it up and keep the general living areas okay enough... but I cannot wrap my head around the idea of cleaning. There's too much to do and not enough time or energy or focus and it's all so discouraging... I just avoid it all together.

I don't feel like writing. I have to force myself to write out my daily articles for the website and I have no more words left over after those 2,500... and it makes me a bit sad because writing used to help tons.

I need something to look forward to. Something to pull me back in. But everything I think of only makes me more anxious and depressed. It may be a bit before I get back into writing regularly, but hopefully I'll be able to come out of this funk soon and come back to reality. I really need to.

Roller Coasters Make Me Sick

No really, they do. They kinda always have. I can handle a little bit at first... sometimes even 1/2 a day of it... but then something inside my head or whatever just clicks, and I can't take anymore. I love them though. I love the speed, my stomach flip flopping, the terror. Yes I'm afraid of heights, but that's not what stops me from riding. It the motion sickness. I can handle up and down okay. It's the round and round that gets me.

I've been on a different kind of coaster here lately. It's the round and round of depression that's making me sick... not just mentally, but physically as well.

Yesterday was amazing. I planned out the day and did most everything on my list. I had the strength to do it all and I kicked Monday's butt. Today on the other hand, I've been in my head. Remembering things I'd much rather forget. Thinking about people and places I wish didn't exist. Trying to tackle my to do list head on, only to have it knock me back on  my backside.

Depression is a lying bastard. Sorry for the harsh word. But it is. Anyone who has been there can attest to that truth. It tells you that you're nothing, you're worthless, you shouldn't try because you won't succeed. It makes you look at your blessings differently. You either don't feel worthy or you stop appreciating them. It makes you remember ever mistake you've ever made, things long since forgiven, things that no else remembers. But you do. Because depression makes you remember.

Over the past 4 months, I've been doing much better. I can handle most days. I might not be quite up to par with where I'd like to be, but I do pretty well. Those are the times I can handle, I can suck it up, I can stay on the coasters. After a while of riding, I get sick. I can't take it anymore. I want the ride to end. But it doesn't.

I can always think of things to do to help me feel better when I'm feeling okay. It's weird cause that's when I don't really need all the pick me ups. It's times like this, when I can't seem to even see straight that I need the help, but can't seem to find it ANYWHERE.

So today I feel awful. I can't even hardly think well enough right now to type. Every tiny thing is a distraction. Every tiny thing is a reason to give up. To not try and fight through it.

I know it won't last. For every low, there's a high just up ahead. For me, this is what enduring to the end really means. Though the depression is telling me to give up and give in, I'm not going to do it. I've got too much in life that makes me happy to let the Depression win.

So maybe I won't be able to completely enjoy doing the things I want to this evening, I'm going to do them anyways. Fake it til you make it... right? And maybe tomorrow won't be so hard.

My brain may just pack up and leave me. It's already distancing itself...

I'm a bit on overload at the moment. I realized today that I am keeping so busy, I'm becoming a bit numb. Too much to do, hence too little time to sit and really think about things and work on stuff that needs dealing with. School started today for the girls. I got a job writing for DailyBubble.com. I'm crocheting and sewing and drawing and cleaning and helping a friend plan her wedding. And I'm trying to work on me. Okay... so I've been avoiding that last one. After a couple very intensely emotional weeks, I needed a break. But I kinda went extreme with it and won't allow myself to really get emotional over anything. It's not smart, and this whole busy bee thing will only lead to a crash and a funk if I don't watch it and ensure that I'm taking care of myself during it all. (UGH, I'm trying to remember all the things I talked about with the therapist today, and I can't remember it all... I wonder if he'd mind if I started taking notes.)

So, my brain is getting aggravated with me, I'm sure. I'm kinda tuning it out and shutting it off and just going through motions without feeling or thinking. Some of that is good. The bad thoughts need to go. But, that doesn't mean the good have to go with them. And in all honesty, some of those bad thoughts are necessary and can lead to good enlightened thoughts when dealt with the correct way... by figuring out why they're there and how to refashion them or praying for inspiration on how to fix them. That may be very vague... did anyone get that?

SO, I've been writing alot. Over 2500 words a day actually. But it's all celebrity news for the DailyBubble.com (Go check them out and tell your friends... Please? Thanks!) That's a bunch of words though. And that does not include facebook and twitter... this blog... or my narrative. The last two I need to work on much more... and probably will focus more on them next week while the girls are gone to school. This whole writing all the time thing is never something I really thought I'd do, but it kinda fits in some ways.

A decade ago it seems like all I did was write. I wrote notes constantly in High School, plus, you know, school work. I also constantly wrote poetry and stories (most were very dark and kinda disturbing now that I look back on them.) And when I wasn't writing that kind of stuff, I kept journals. I was actually VERY thorough with them, right up until I met my husband and we got married and all that jazz. I even have a list in one of them of every boy I've ever kissed. I started it when I was 14 and had my first kiss. Not sure it's the hubs favorite, but all that matter is his name is last on it, right?

Okay... So, I used to write ALOT. I have actually kept alot of it too. I have all my poetry and stories, I've kept all my journals, and I've even kept some letters and notes from high school. A part of me feels like there's a reason to keep them. I feel a need to share my story, if for nothing else than to put it in writing so that I personally can learn from it. Once I can put words to emotions and events, I can take them and figure them out, pick them apart, try and learn whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from them.

Okay... so... the point of this post... I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off because I'm trying to avoid feeling... that directly affects the blog and my narrative because they're usually all about feeling and issues and such. So, I'm going to remember to BREATHE. To take care of myself. To take advantage of those moments when I get lost in housework and such, but also allow for moments of feeling, whether it's good or bad or ugly. I'm going to work more on the 'for me' writing. And hopefully my brain won't hate me and punish me with a funk. Hopefully.

Where else can I whine but here?

This is MY blog after all, and I can whine if I want to.


Today sucks... For absolutely no reason at all. Okay fine... maybe there is a ton of shit on my  mind.


Want a list?

• I'm worried about my sister

• I need to call our car ins and switch it over

• I need to call the dr office to schedule my daughter's apt to get her up to date on shots

• I'm worried about the truck we sold to another sister

• I need to call the hospital to schedule payments

• I need to call a friend about writing for his website

• I need to finish cleaning my house... no REALLY cleaning... Not just picking up and vacuuming, but dusting and washing and scrubbing and organizing.

• I need to finish hanging up the laundry.

• Both my daughters are sick from how hot it's been (they're both broken out all over their faces and backs and arms in heat rash.)

• My yard is dead. I want a garden. I can't have one.

• I need to take my dogs out but they stink and I don't feel good enough to give them a bath.

• Hubby is at work so I'm left at home all alone to deal with this funk myself.

• I lost my phone so I have no ones numbers and don't really know who'd I'd call anyways.

• I need to finish a painting.

• I need to finish coloring the  name signs for my nieces and nephews.

 I've tried distractions. I've tried working on my list. Nothing is helping and I just keep sinking farther and father today. It's BOLOGNA! I can't see that word and not say Bo-log-nah in my head. Just can't.


I need good pick me up ideas. Comment and let me know what you do to pick yourself up. I need some ideas...


So 1...2...3... GO.  Comment.  What are you waiting for? Hurry Up! Do it! NOW. 


Okay, I'm sorry for yelling. I just hate feeling funky. 

Brain Overload

Yesterday was rough. Anyone who is my friend on FB or Twitter can vouch for me. 

I'm feeling much better, but the roughness is still lingering in the back of my mind, along with all the normal craziness. I got out of bed today around 3... PM. I've been sitting on the computer since then. My stomach and head hurts from no food, but I'm waiting til we all eat dinner together. 

My happy thought for the day, Magic Mike.

I will be seeing it tonight with a great friend. 

We both need the break. 

So my brain is on overload, but I can't wait to shut it off and enjoy a trashy movie with great lady. 

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend. 

Raw

So, I can't bring myself to write this post. My emotions have been severely raw because of some therapy stuff and I realized I've been hiding these emotions from everyone, including myself.

I need to be honest and open and real about it all, but I can't at the moment. Beginning would only bring hours of tears and heartache and I'm not ready to face it right now... I'm kinda sick... Physically... and that makes the mental and emotional stuff only that much harder.

I also am staying at my mom's and dad's right now and I'm surrounded by prying eyes.  Not that my family pries, but me having an emotional breakdown with everyone watching is not ideal.

So yeah... My emotions are crazy raw and I'm trying to find the strength to be honest.  It's not coming yet, but I'm admitting that I need to get there... That's a step in the right direction, if only a baby one.

But be prepared, at some point the words will start to flow and I don't think I'll be able to hold them back.

Ready, Set... DRAW

So, last night I picked up some pens and paper and started drawing and I have hardly stopped all day. 

I'm making name prints for family and friends and I'm thinking about maybe opening up an etsy shop for them... If I do, I have so many different crafts I make, I wonder what in the world I would call my shop.

Anyways... Here's some of the stuff I've done today.

These are using a Bug/Insect theme.

This next one I did using a Sea theme. I think it's one of my favorites.

Here is a kite theme. I'm thinking about doing a few more cute quotes and sayings.

Flowers!

And my last one of the night... Safari. 

As soon I have the chance, I'll open up that shop and get this thing going... maybe making some extra cash ;) 

I did start a Flickr account for stuff, and I'll be adding more pics of new themes there. 

Check them out here!

Either way, All this drawing has helped to relieve some of the funk I've felt over the past few days. (some very sweet messages from friends and family have helped too. Thanks to those who I've talked to or who have written me. You've been great help.)

This is my Happy Face

Very convincing, isn't it?

Well today has been a good day (I actually showered!) I got to spend pretty much the entire day with T-bone's Pre-K class and Mad-dog was able to be there and participate as well. (Side note: Mad-dog was accepted into this class for the next school year. Way exciting. Only 20 kids out of like 300 get in! So I've been taking her up there when I can so she can get to know her teachers before school starts this fall. And then both my girls will be in school... SO EXCITED - insert mommy guilt here... because I shouldn't want my girls to be gone during the day... right?)

Moving on... 

Most days aren't that good. The majority are kinda okay, and a lot are pretty bad. I mean curled up crying in the fetal position bad. (And that actually happened yesterday, so it's not an exaggeration.) I was thinking about how often I put on a Happy Face for those around me when I'm feeling the complete opposite inside. I was talking with Handsome last night. I asked him why I feel the need to fake it for some people, but can be completely open with others. And actually now that I think about it, I'm not sure I really am completely open with anyone about my depression. I even hide some of it from Handsome - the one person who I know will not judge me or hold any of this against me - who knows me better than anyone else.

When I was in high school, I had a code word. Dandy. I had a few good friends who knew what it meant. If they asked how I was and I said dandy, they knew I was having a bad day, though the happy face was plastered on. But only a select few knew my secret... 

Obviously, I am putting this all on the Internet for everyone and their mom to read, so why do I still feel the need to hide my crazy from some people? Is it to protect myself or to protect others? Maybe a little of both... There are some people who are close to me that I feel the need to protect a bit from my crazy. I've seen them be completely freaked out by the things I've said about my depression, and I don't want to drive them off. Others, I'm afraid will dismiss my issues and treat them as nothing. Or worse, makes jokes about them. It's like a sibling... I can make fun of it, but you can't. I can say I'm crazy, but if anyone else says it, I'll turn into a pile of tears. 

Talking to Handsome, he related it to cancer, like I often do. Do people with cancer want everyone to know of their struggle? Or do they put on a brave face for those around them. They may mention the fact that they have the disease but brush off how badly they  hurt and how dire the situation is. Maybe I do that too. Most everyone in my life knows about my issues, but hardly any know the severity of it all.  And maybe it is to protect myself from the judgement and the ass backwards ideas that still surround depression and anxiety. 

What is the point of this post? I don't know... just to say that I fake it alot of the time. But I think we all do to some extent. We only let people see the parts of us we know they'll be comfortable with. I think that's okay though. Maybe it helps us all stay a bit more sane, less stressed for sure. And for me, every little bit helps.