My Hope

And here’s the thing that I keep thinking about: so I do something really sucky and stupid and everyone looks at me like I’m a Klingon for a second; then what? Who cares? Is anyone going to stab me in the gut with a javelin? Is the government going to repossess all of my belongings for writing a bad blog post, or getting a script rejected a thousand times, or forgetting important birthdays? No. And I think the simple reason behind it is that no one cares as much about what I’m doing as I do. In my mind, the process of me failing starts with people saying, “She’s terrible,” and ends with them saying, “let’s murder her in the alley.” When in reality, it’s more like, “She’s terrible. Ooohh…nachos!”

I read the previous quote in a blog by Melanie Crutchfield. I had my idea for this post before reading hers because of another friend who had blogged about the Hope 2012: A Blog Relay. What she says here has alot to do with my post though, so I figured I'd include it... Now onto my post. 

I have always been the kind of person who was too worried about what others thought.  It has caused issues my entire life, and I wish it was just something that I could just STOP doing… but alas, I've done it for as long as I can remember.

In fact, one of my very first memories is about getting my feelings hurt when I heard my parents laughing about me singing along to a Whitney Houston tape. I think I was like 3 or 4. As a parent, I realize that what I was doing much have been crazy cute to them and that they were probably laughing because of how adorable I was (and still am!) At least, that's what I do, as a parent. But even then, I took what THEY were doing and let it affect how I viewed myself. I still feel uncomfortable singing in front of people.

This type of behavior has affected my WHOLE life. I remember feeling "uncool" as young as first/second grade. I remember feel laughed at or made fun of, when I'm sure others had much better things to do than worry about me. The worry and concern over what everyone else is thinking has followed me into adulthood. And it has been a thorn in my side the entire time.  

I recently had some enlightenment regarding my worry. I was actually trying to defend some previous actions, and it hit me… "WHY!" I realized a lot of things at that moment.

People are going to think whatever they want about you and generally it has nothing to do with who you actually are, and more to do with who THEY are - their own personal perceptions, struggles, worries, issues, experiences, beliefs, etc. You can try to explain what you believe is true until you're blue in the face. It does no good. People form their opinions around experiences and perceptions, most of which are skewed to fit what they NEED to believe at that time.

I have been terrified my whole life of not being liked. I have no idea why… I'm a nice person and I try to be kind… what's not to like ;) But still… It's a HUGE fear. So when I perceive things, that fears skews it. For example, if I walk into a room and I'm not part of a conversation, I worry that it's about me and the people talking are bashing me or whatever. In a way, this is really kind of conceited. Nobody is really talking about me… and if they are… so what. How does that change who I am? How does that make me feel bad? More than likely, most conversations that I worry about have absolutely NOTHING to do with me. And even if they do, I am the one who gives it the power to affect me. My whole view of others is skewed by my own personal fears.

But with this realization that people are going to think whatever they want about me (and that's their right) I have robbed this fear of its power. LET THEM TALK… they're probably not talking about me, and if they are, who cares! I can be myself and not worry about what anyone else thinks… Liking me and being okay with me is all that matters. I have my own personal standards that I try to align with my understanding of the Gospel of Christ. No one except for my Father in Heaven is my judge.

“Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”

James E. Faust

Letting go of this fear has also helped me to be more genuine. When I'm not trying to fit what anyone else wants or expects of me, I can be more of myself. And I am so much happier for it. It's exhausting trying to be what everyone else wants you to be or expects you to be (or what you THINK they want and expect you to be.) And you don't have to do it. I can figure out what I want for myself, what standards I want for myself, what my personal beliefs are, where my faith lies.

I have realized that my Heavenly Father does not want me to fit some cookie cutter mold. That was Satan's plan… for us not to have choice or be different or unique. My Father in Heaven created me different from everyone else… just like everyone else. No one else has my soul, my experiences, my thoughts, my strengths, my weakness, or my perceptions. He doesn't expect me to try to be like anyone else… only to be the best that I can.

I have also learned to be more understanding of others, more accepting. I do not know their thoughts, experiences, perceptions, etc… And because of that, I cannot judge their words or actions. That's not my place or my job. It's my job to be a listening ear and a sympathetic arm. It is my job to be encouraging and uplifting. That's it.

“Genuine hope is urgently needed in order to be more loving even as the love of many waxes cold; more merciful, even when misunderstood or misrepresented; more holy, even as the world ripens in iniquity; more courteous and patient in a coarsening and curt world; and more full of heartfelt hope, even when other men’s hearts fail them. Whatever our particular furrow, we are to ‘plow in hope,’ without looking back or letting yesterday hold tomorrow hostage (1 Cor. 9:10).”

Neal A. Maxwell

This enlightenment has given me one of the greatest gifts in this whole world. HOPE. I have hope for the future that I will be able to learn more about whom I am and what I am here to do and accomplish.  I have hope that I will overcome my ridiculous fears and my awful thoughts that come with depression. I have hope that I will be able to teach this same understanding to my daughters, and that they will then be able to grow into good, strong, confident women who are examples to those around them. Maybe I can also help others to realize this about themselves too. That you don't have to be afraid of what anyone thinks. You only need to worry about what YOU think. If YOU are okay with YOU, the no one else can break you down. I have hope for the future. And that helps me to be happy with today. 

Now it's time to pass the torch on. Keep it going... What gives you Hope? Hope in anything, the future, humanity, the weather... any of it. Just blog about Hope ;) 

My brain may just pack up and leave me. It's already distancing itself...

I'm a bit on overload at the moment. I realized today that I am keeping so busy, I'm becoming a bit numb. Too much to do, hence too little time to sit and really think about things and work on stuff that needs dealing with. School started today for the girls. I got a job writing for DailyBubble.com. I'm crocheting and sewing and drawing and cleaning and helping a friend plan her wedding. And I'm trying to work on me. Okay... so I've been avoiding that last one. After a couple very intensely emotional weeks, I needed a break. But I kinda went extreme with it and won't allow myself to really get emotional over anything. It's not smart, and this whole busy bee thing will only lead to a crash and a funk if I don't watch it and ensure that I'm taking care of myself during it all. (UGH, I'm trying to remember all the things I talked about with the therapist today, and I can't remember it all... I wonder if he'd mind if I started taking notes.)

So, my brain is getting aggravated with me, I'm sure. I'm kinda tuning it out and shutting it off and just going through motions without feeling or thinking. Some of that is good. The bad thoughts need to go. But, that doesn't mean the good have to go with them. And in all honesty, some of those bad thoughts are necessary and can lead to good enlightened thoughts when dealt with the correct way... by figuring out why they're there and how to refashion them or praying for inspiration on how to fix them. That may be very vague... did anyone get that?

SO, I've been writing alot. Over 2500 words a day actually. But it's all celebrity news for the DailyBubble.com (Go check them out and tell your friends... Please? Thanks!) That's a bunch of words though. And that does not include facebook and twitter... this blog... or my narrative. The last two I need to work on much more... and probably will focus more on them next week while the girls are gone to school. This whole writing all the time thing is never something I really thought I'd do, but it kinda fits in some ways.

A decade ago it seems like all I did was write. I wrote notes constantly in High School, plus, you know, school work. I also constantly wrote poetry and stories (most were very dark and kinda disturbing now that I look back on them.) And when I wasn't writing that kind of stuff, I kept journals. I was actually VERY thorough with them, right up until I met my husband and we got married and all that jazz. I even have a list in one of them of every boy I've ever kissed. I started it when I was 14 and had my first kiss. Not sure it's the hubs favorite, but all that matter is his name is last on it, right?

Okay... So, I used to write ALOT. I have actually kept alot of it too. I have all my poetry and stories, I've kept all my journals, and I've even kept some letters and notes from high school. A part of me feels like there's a reason to keep them. I feel a need to share my story, if for nothing else than to put it in writing so that I personally can learn from it. Once I can put words to emotions and events, I can take them and figure them out, pick them apart, try and learn whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from them.

Okay... so... the point of this post... I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off because I'm trying to avoid feeling... that directly affects the blog and my narrative because they're usually all about feeling and issues and such. So, I'm going to remember to BREATHE. To take care of myself. To take advantage of those moments when I get lost in housework and such, but also allow for moments of feeling, whether it's good or bad or ugly. I'm going to work more on the 'for me' writing. And hopefully my brain won't hate me and punish me with a funk. Hopefully.

What would you do with your last day on earth?

(Sorry for not blogging... I told you school is starting... I'll be better about it all once that starts)

I was recently asked "What would you do with your very last day on earth, if you could go anywhere and do anything?"

Warning: My answer may bore the snot out of you... and you might not understand some of it if you're not LDS.

I have thought about this for the past 2-3 days... whenever the post was put up.  And I have come up with a few answers... Some make me pretty emotional. But as I've been thinking about it all, I tried to figure out what are my happiest memories. So here goes...

I would want to start my last day on a beach in the gulf coast. Something a little remote, cause I want this moment to be private. I want to sit and watch my hubby and our girls run and splash around and enjoy the sunrise and the rays on our skin and the dolphins off in the distance and the sounds of the water crashing onto the sand. I want to chase after them and have tickle wars and try and dunk Handsome and just enjoy my family in one of the most beautiful, relaxing places I've ever been.

Next comes food... at my mama's house. Everyone knows that nobody can cook like a southern mama. (Hence PAULA DEEN!) My mama is one of the best cooks EVER. Of course the menu would consist of Fried Okra, Fried Chicken (with her homemade honey mustard), Cucumber salad, Cornbread salad, maybe some of Big Mama's old recipes, and tons of other southern dishes. Oh, don't forget the sliced home grown tomatoes. (My mouth is watering just thinking about all of this food.) I would eat until I couldn't move.

I would go to the Nashville, TN LDS Temple where me and my Handsome were married and sealed for time and all eternity. I'd want to sit inside with him and talk about all our best memories... His crazy notes when we were dating, No lines at Disney World on our honey moon and then getting so sun burnt we couldn't move, our apartments, our home, Sady, our girls... How tiny they used to be, t-bone's "Ice", Moo's Buddha belly, how smart and beautiful they are... and forever - spending eternity with each other.

I would end my day on my mama's front porch... wrapped up in a blanket like she used to do with me when I was little and having troubles breathing. Me, Handsome, and our girls, would sit and watch the sun set and I would tell each of them how much I love them and why. And my day would end snuggled up with Handsome at home in bed.

Now that my eyes are all blurry and my throat is achy from trying not to cry... I want to ask you too, What would you do with your last day on Earth?  It can be anything... Handsome would go to Ireland to visit where his family came from. He'd want to experience as much of this world as he could in his last day of mortality. But what about you... Would you stay with what's comfortable? Spend time with family? Or do something you've always wanted, but never been able to? Like SkyDiving?

Also... I reserve the right to edit my answer at anytime ;)  There may be something awesome I'd want to do that I haven't thought about... Like maybe parasailing while we're there on the beach in the gulf... Yeah... I'd do that too.  Okay... Your turn!

Ode to my Hoodies

(I don't really have a ton on my mind right now, or not anything worth writing about. School is getting ready to start like next week and we're trying to get ready for that so if I'm MIA, don't freak. I'm around... just with other things on my mind.)

There are very few things I love in this world more than a HOODIE.

For me, it's like wearing a blanket. Only better... because it's not like a snuggie. And I wear them all year long. It could be 90 outside and you still might find me in a hoodie... sleeves shoved up to my elbows. Just ask my friends. They'll tell you. 

I own a few hoodies. 26 to be exact. I don't own 26 of anything else. I don't even have that many shoes (TOTAL... not pairs.)  But hoodies... I love em. Can't get enough of em! 

Some of my hoodies are over 10 years old.

And some are from the College years... or year... actually like 3 months. 

I went for 1 semester... don't judge. 

This next one is because I'm a Fan by marriage! Not that I'm not a real fan. I am. But I wasn't until I got married.

This next one is my favorite band. Kings of Leon. And I bought this at a concert. My second KOL concert actually.

And another fav... I got this one on vacation in Florida. I begged the hubs for a hoodie and he said yes with one stipulation. He had to pick it out. This is the one I had wanted anyways.

Having such a large collection there are some that never get worn. But I'm saving them. Because eventually I'm going to make one EPIC quilt out of all my hoodies. And it is going to be the most amazing quilt ever!

And then I'll get to start my collection all over... because you always have to have some hoodies to wear.

No Phone Home

I got a new phone. 

That might not be a big deal to most people, but I have been without a phone since June 24th or something like that. That's right... NO PHONE AT ALL. 

I realized that I kind of like not having a phone. I like that I can hide away from the world. If I wanted to get a hold of someone, I had my ways. I did still have the internet after all... and that helped. There were just a couple times it really sucked, like needing to call my doctor, or the girls doctor, or the girls school, or family. But for the most part, It kinda rocked. 

So now that I have a phone again... I still have no numbers, so I can't call anyone really. Because I don't remember numbers except for the essentials, Hubby, the in-laws, and my parents. That's pretty much it. And to be honest, even if I had numbers, I probably wouldn't call because who actually calls anyone now-a-days.  Texting is so much easier... less personal for sure, but easier... faster too, unless  you're driving.  Then phone call it is, but again, that's usually only to one of the 3 previously mentioned peeps. 

So yeah... 

Anyways, since I kind of enjoyed living without a phone for a while, I may try it out regularly. Just take days off from my phone. 

Now if only I could do that with the internet!

Clouds

I absolutely love clouds. I think they are some of the most beautiful things on this earth and many times when I see them, I feel as if God himself  painted them just for me.

 I've posted previously about how I feel that because I have felt so much pain, that I can more fully appreciate the joy and peace and happiness in my life. 

 I was out driving earlier today and noticed the sunlight filtering through the clouds. We all know what the sun looks like. It is beautiful and magnificent all on it's own. But when that light shines through the clouds, It can be miraculous.

 Without those clouds, you wouldn't be able to see the rays of the sun, shining on everything. 

 Yes the sun would still be shining, but the clouds help make it that much more beautiful. 

I am grateful for my clouds, so that I can see those rays and appreciate their beauty that much more. 

Roger, the bird

We went to my parents house Saturday for a HUGE AWESOME event that I'm not allowed to talk about yet... if you're curious, ask me and I'll probably tell you (privately.) And when we pulled up and got out, I saw this little guy sitting in front of the garage door.

His name is Roger and he had a broken wing.

I called about 10 different places trying to find something open on a Saturday to take him in and get him help. Most places said they'd only euthanize him. Not an option for me. He seemed so healthy and lively... If he had looked bad, then yes, I think that would have been the compassionate thing to do. But Roger wanted to grow up. He has hopes and dreams man. (not sure Roger is a boy, but for the sake of this blog... he is. Plus I think he's so pretty, and aren't boy birds usually prettier than girl ones?)

Here you can see how he was holding his wing out.  It was so sad. Poor little guy was in pain for sure, but he was a fighter, a survivor. He's the most awesome bird ever.

We fed him some crackers (crumbled gold fish maybe?) I think he totally enjoyed them! We had to wait forever for a rehab center to finally call me back so we could take him there (it was a good 30 minutes or more from my parents house, which was already a 45 minute drive up there.) After a while, I was afraid of him getting dehydrated so we found this medicine dropper. At first he would NOT open that cute little beak of his. After a few times of putting the dropper up to his beak though, he learned that the water would come, and very quickly became enthusiastic about it. The second the saw that dropper he was like a newborn baby bird to a mama. His beak would open as wide as it could and he'd stretch that tiny neck up to get some water. It was so sweet. Roger definitely melted my heart.

He's great at taking photos also. 

Anyways, we left Roger (and a donation) at Walden's Puddle, an animal rehabilitation center here in Tennessee. They take in almost any animals native to Tennessee and some that aren't. I sat and talked with the girl at the desk for quite a while and learned all about their education program, where they travel around middle Tennessee teaching about the native animals. They have some special animals they take around with them also, including owls, raccoons, opposums, hawks, turtles, snakes, etc. I'm going to try to get something set up at my girls school and see if we can't get them to do an exhibit there this school year.

Anyways, Walden's Puddle does not charge for their services and they don't receive any Federal or State funding... it's all donations people. So if you have a few "doll hairs" you can spare, why don't you send them their way.  You can set up monthly donations or make a one time donation for any amount. I'm sure Roger will appreciate it!

I'm not sure we'll see Roger again. They were going to wrap him up to let his wing heal, then rehabilitate him back to the wild and then finally send him out into this wide world again. But I'm glad to know he'll be okay. Good Luck out there Roger!

The Pivotal Moments

I went to see an old friend today. I haven't seen this gal in like 5 1/2 years. Last time I saw her was her wedding and I was preggers with T-bone. The way we met was interesting... destiny - to say the least.  Me and Handsome were bringing our friend, a recently single guy, to a church singles dance. We weren't supposed to be there, because we weren't single. There wasn't much point in him being there because he wasn't a member of our church at the time. But we all went. And there he met the woman who would soon become his wife, and later would be the mother of 3 of his children. And to think, he almost didn't go. And what if we hadn't invited him?

It's crazy to look back on life and see those very pivotal moments... the ones where lives change, where destiny steps in and sets things in motion.

There was one point in my life where I got a job out of convenience of location. It was right next to where my mom taught a bible study class every morning and since I didn't have a car, she could take me every morning and usually pick me up in the evening. There was no way to know all that would come out of that one job... I ended up being a teacher to a little boy who, along with his 2 older brothers, stole my heart. When I found out they were going to be separated in the foster care system, it tore me apart, and in turn, my parents ended up becoming foster parents for them in order to keep them together. My mom contacted our churches social services and found a couple who were interested in fostering and possibly adopting these little men. Many years and struggles and trials later, my little men have a wonderful mom and dad and have more love in their lives then they know what to do with. And it was because of a convenient job.

I feel like this year has been full of these tiny little moments all leading me down a path I would have never gone down on my own, all very pivotal in their own way. And there have been so  many people who have helped in leading me towards this path. I have no idea quite where this road is going, but I truly feel like it is where I'm meant to go. And I will follow it trusting that my Father in Heaven (or life or destiny or whatever you believe in) knows where I'm going and has a plan for me. I'm so excited to see where this road leads. It's been a pretty fun ride so far.

My First Fellow Blogger Award

I received my first blog award and didn't even know it y'all! I finally realized it last night/this morning so here it is!



Thank you, thank you, thank you Crazy Mama (we have alot in common.) She can cuss like a sailor so all you mormon mommies have been warned. I think this is one of my favorite of her posts, and one of the first I ever read!

So here's the fun part...
The 11 questions are simple: choose one of each

Romance or historical - ROMANCE
Dystopia or Mystery - MYSTERY
Christian fiction or Sci-fiction - SCI-FI
Chick lit or Thriller - CHICK LIT
Poetry or Memoir - MEMOIR
Short stories or YA - YA
Historical Romance or Paranormal - PARANORMAL
Spiritual or Fantasy - SPIRITUAL
Cookbook or Health and Fitness - COOKBOOK
Erotic or Street Lit - STREET LIT
Super Hero or Fairy Tale - FAIRY TALE (with a cape)


11 Things about ME!
1) I hate the number 11, no really... phobia.
2) I'm constantly paranoid about what people are thinking.
3) I don't want to do anything today, but had planned on super cleaning my home. We'll see what happens.
4) My favorite sound in the world is my girls laughing.
5) I have a crush on my hubby
6) 3 is my favorite number ever. But I want 4 kids (an even number so everyone has someone to ride beside on a roller coaster.)
7) I've wanted to have another baby for a while, but now that it's almost time to start trying, I may be rethinking things.
8) I don't like to eat breakfast. It makes me sick.
9) I want to go to the library and find some good books, but I have a library fine that is hindering me from going.
10) Dr. Pepper is my boyfriend. I love it.
11) My baby is whining right now and It's driving me crazy. Seriously. I want her to go away. Not too far, just far enough that I can't hear the whining.


I have to answer 11 questions:
1) What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Well I was asked this question when I was a girl at girls camp (I'm still a girl, though no longer at girls camp.) Me and a friend tried to concoct the nastiest thing we could in order to win the Klondike bars. We threatened to give ourselves swirlies in the latrine. We won.
2) Paper or plastic?
This totally depends... But I'll go plastic. Takes longer to decompose, but it holds better.
3) 12/21/2012, what do you think?
I will be SO FREAKING SURPRISED if the world ends, but maybe something big happens.
4) Wanna dance?
OF COURSE! I love to dance, especially in my pajamas while I crank Prince and clean!
5) Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Katie stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
6) Can you wash your hands in public?
Yeah, most of the time, but the stupid toilets that flush on their own tend to ignore me. Maybe my butt is not quite big enough yet... A couple more kids will fix that, I'm sure.
7) Who do you think you are?
Last time I checked I was Keaven. I'm still kinda crazy. Still Mormon. I still stay at home. I love to sew, draw, paint, crochet, dance, sing, laugh, tickle, play yahtzee in bed with the hubby, and way too much more to write. I'll blog about it all one day.
8) Ever been hypnotized?
Nope, but I would like to!
9) Describe your blog in a word.
Kooky
10) How bout mine?
Genius ;P
11) Count some of your blessings.
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six...
What? Is that not what you asked?
Fine. Here they are. This list is not all inclusive by any means cause we'd be here forever if it was...
My 2 beautiful smart daughters who make me laugh constantly.
My insanely attractive husband who also makes me laugh, especially when I don't want to.
Our beautiful home in the neighborhood we've talked about since we got married.
My calling at church.
My van we got from my parents.
Hubby's work, the security of it, how close it is.
Our 2 furbabies.
My family
My friends


I have 11 questions for my awardees:
1) If you could only keep one memory, what would it be?
2) Who is your best friend?
3) Do you act your age?
4) What is your favorite hobby?
5) Favorite food?
6) If you could speak another language fluently, which one would you speak?
7) Is the glass half empty or half full?
8) Google, Yahoo search, Bing?
9) If you could do or be anything (really ANYTHING) what would you do or be?
10) Who are your Heroes?
11) What is your favorite quality in another person?


The 3 bloggers lucky enough to win are:

Brittney at Boyfriend in my Pocket

Kelly at Princess & the Pi

Niven at The Diary of a Doormat

Just do what I did. Answer the first set of questions, then 11 things about yourself, then my questions for you. Then award 3 other blogs. Love y'all

Depth of Feelings

I was thinking the other day about how bad I feel sometimes. It is overwhelming. It effects everything about me, my thoughts, my speech, my demeanor, my looks, my posture, how I treat myself and those around me... Sometimes it hurts so much that I would rather be done with life than to continue feeling that bad.
(I AM NOT SUICIDAL. AT NO POINT HAVE I WANTED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE!  Hurt so badly that I ache for the pain to stop, however that has to happen, yes... but end my life on my own? Nope. And that's not what this post is about anyways.) I have numerous times felt so horrible all I could do was curl up and cry, and not just crying to myself, but down on the floor in the fetal position sobbing so hard my entire body is shaking.

I've had so many people think that I'm just sad sometimes. I'm not sad sometimes. The heartbreak that I feel is not like some teenage girl trying to get over a crush. My whole soul wrenches. It aches. It pleads for peace, for a moment's peace... just a millisecond of hope to help me get through. Nothing really helps in those moments of complete despair and darkness. I can pray, receive blessings, try to read scriptures, try to talk about it, but usually it just has to pass. All I can do is to endure to the end.

I am not a sad person. I am not a depressed person. I am a happy person who happens to struggle with a disease. But I am kinda grateful in some ways for that disease. Because I have felt such pain, heartbreak, despair, darkness, I can celebrate the times I have happiness and peace and joy and laughter. I can be furiously happy and laugh my ass off at the hilarity of life because I have known the opposite. And to be honest, I think I would rather feel the extremes than to just kind of hang somewhere in the middle. I've been there (thanks to drugs) and did not like it.

I will take the tears, the hurt, the ache if it means I can laugh til my stomach hurts, I can be happy for those days where my mind is my own. I can dance around my home like an idiot and enjoy how good it feels to just be alive with my gorgeous little girls and my incredibly sexy husband. I can love the things in this life that make me happy and not be embarrassed by them or by who I am.

I have wondered over and over again why it is that I have to struggle with such a hard disease. It's not like there's one simple answer out there to make me better. Like with my Asthma, I have an attack, I use my inhaler, end of story. I know that cats trigger it so I stay away from them. It's easy. It's fixable. Depression is so much different. Yes there is medication, but often the side effects can be as bad as the symptoms. I have not taken an antidepressant in a month, yet I'm still having "brain shivers" from coming off of them. I don't want the meds. I don't want the side effects. I don't want to feel numb. If I have to feel this pain in order to feel the joy and happiness that I have had, then so be it. I will endure to the end. I will not give up, and I will also continue to appreciate the little things in this life that make me furiously happy.

The heart break that I feel sometimes is not just me feeling sad.

4th

Today has been off and weird and moody and hot and random... I could go on forever. Needless to say, I can't wait for it to be over, but this post is not about today... At least not today today. This post is about past Independence Days.

I don't have a whole ton of memories about the fourth. I do remember going to see fireworks at the local park. I remember sitting in a Kroger parking lot watching fireworks being shot off across the lake. One of my favorite memories of fireworks actually has nothing to do with home.

There was one year I was in Arizona staying with my sister over the summer. There was a huge hill (baby mountain) at the end of my sisters street. We climbed up to the top of the hill and saw fireworks for ton of different cities in the maricopa valley. There was Mesa, chandler, Tempe, and who knows where else. I just remember the entire skyline was being lit by different firework shows, and it was amazing.

I do tend to get a bit choked up on the Fourth. I have an extreme love for this country I call home. I am proud of where I'm from and the heritage I have here. I'm grateful for my ancestors who fought for my freedom. I'm grateful to my grandfathers and uncles who served in our country's military. I cannot hear or sing the Star Spangled Banner without tearing up. And my heart swells with pride when I hear my little girls recite the nations pledge.

I truly feel blessed to have been born and raised here in the USofA. So on that note, happy fourth y'all. Now let's go play with some fire!!!

1st Annual Mommy Blogger Scholarship

So, I just found this on Twitter...

The 1st Annual Mommy Blogger Scholarship

(please note the badge on the right side of this blog... it may be towards the bottom)

As a new "mommy blogger", I think this scholarship thing is AMAZING and just finished my application. I wanted to share a bit of it with you if you don't mind...

The very last question on the application was

"What do you need most as a mother?"

And my response?

Charity - pure unconditional love.

I need this from the mothers around me - Do not judge me because I don't mother the same way you do. Do not judge me because my kids get high fructose corn syrup. ;) Love me because we are sisters. Love me because we both understand what it feels like to have our hearts and souls walking around outside our bodies. Love me because I need to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who's ever just thrown a towel on a pee stained bed and waited til morning to take the sheets off, that I'm not the only one who has gotten so frustrated at my kids I wanted to drop kick them. I need to know that I'm not the only one who would lose it all if I ever lost my children.

I need Charity from my children. I need for them to love me no matter what. Love me when I lose my patience. Understand that I'm not perfect, but I'm trying my best. Love me when I struggle to get off the couch to make them breakfast. Love me because I tease them about being zombies and bite their pudgy little cheeks. Love me for making them stick to their responsibilities and for not doing things for them that they can do for themselves.

I need This kind of love from my husband. I need him to support me... again understand that I'm not perfect. I need him to feel just as passionately about me as I do him. I need him to realize that the number one way to take care of our children is to take care of each other. I need him to be forgiving when the dishes and laundry aren't done. I need him to not care about the chaos of having 9 of our nieces and nephews spend the night, and for him to jump in and play right along with me and the kids. I need him to love me in spite of my depression and anxiety, my constant questioning of him. I need him to love me for my craziness. I need to know he will always be there, right beside me, supporting me, as I support him.

I need Charity from myself - and this is the hardest one of all.  I know my faults, my weaknesses, my desires, how often I give in, how often I feel guilt. I don't feel worth of those around me, my friends, my family, my children, my husband - heck even my house and my dogs. Being able to love myself regardless of all these things is one of the hardest at all, but the most desperately needed. You must love and take care of yourself in order to love and take care of others. It's not being selfish... it's appreciating this wonderful gift of life that you've been given. It's hardest to be compassionate and understanding with yourself, but it's the most crucial. This is something I have been learning over the past few months, and have tried to include in my blog. It's something I want other mothers/women/girls/humans to realize.

Love is what I need most. With that love from those around me and myself, I can do what I need to do to be the mother/woman/human I want to be (not perfect, but trying my hardest.)

If you are also a fellow mommy blogger, go check out the scholarship and apply.  It couldn't hurt, right?

Pranking...

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt is "Talk about the best prank you ever pulled."  


I'm not really sure that I've ever truly pulled a prank. But here's the closest I've ever come.


Years ago (okay, so it was a decade ago... holy crap I just felt old) there were these missionaries who were serving in my parents church. They were two young men... one about 23 or so and the other was 19. I had been having a very difficult time in life and became very great friends with these fellows. We would have some great talks that lasted way too late, and we wrote back and forth at least once a week.  These guys played a very significant role in me turning my life around at a crucial moment. 


Anyways - my mom taught an early morning bible study class to high school students called Seminary. These missionaries would come all the time. I think my mom became a bit like a mom away from home to them. We pretty much adopted these guys into our family. I'm not quite sure how it all got started, but we ended up pranking each other back and forth. They would do something to get my mom, we would do something to get them back. 


I think at one point they filled large cans full of dry beans and set them on top of one my mom's cabinets, or right inside the door, so when she opened it, they went flying EVERYWHERE. It wasn't hard to get these guys back... They left their apartment unlocked - ALWAYS... (me and some other friends even snuck in in the middle of the night one night to bring them a christmas tree while they slept. They weren't very smart about safety.)  So me and my mom and my sister loaded up a bunch of stuff and drove over to their apartment. And we rigged it.  My mom smothered their toilet in molasses... I think we may have done powdered sugar on their sheets... or maybe corn flakes.  We even went through their clothes and set up a dummy on their couch using a basketball as the head so they'd be freaked out when they came home and saw this person sitting there. 


We got the guys pretty good. They ended up taking a photo with the dummy we made while they held up a sign saying they were going to get us back. 


I remember them asking me to help them get my mom back and of course I obliged. They wanted a picture of my mama's booty. So one day after my mom was done teaching her class I grabbed her and hugged her and pulled top half down so that her butt was up in the air. I wasn't quite sure what they had planned to do with the photos but it wasn't too long after that they came back to class one day wearing some very special shirts they had had made... Featuring my mama's booty all blown up and saying "WE LOVE BECKYE!" <--(my mama if you couldn't figure that out.) 


I still consider those guys some of my best friends and pretty much family. We had a blast hanging out with them and I will always smile when I look back on those times.

I found photo evidence of the shirt these guys made of my moms behind

My Zombie Family

If you didn't know... I'm a Zombie Mommy.  That's right... a ZOMBIE MOMMY.  And I have Zombie Children. Just ask them. They'll tell you. I'm a zombie mom cause I bite* them, and they're zombie children cause they like to bite their friends.  We even have changed the words of a beloved church primary song from "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" to "Jesus wants me for a ZOMBIE" and it includes the line, "in every way try to eat them... at home, at school, at play."

I love to bite Mad-dog and I tell her it's cause she's "juicy."  Hearing her chubby little face say "Cause I'm Jew-See" melts my heart. 

*Now I don't honestly BITE my children.  I tease them about biting them. And they don't bite their friends... at least they haven't  yet. I think they understand that all this zombie talk is a joke... but again, they're only 3 and 5, so who knows!

The point of this post???

I found this at the mall yesterday...

I about peed my pants I was SO excited. I HAD to buy it. 

I even stood barefoot on so hot it was melting pavement just to put it on my car today before church.

(kinda ironic in a way, right?)

The set only had one dog, though we have two... so that one sticker has to represent for both our beagles! 

Also, when we add more zombies to our little family, I've got the extra stickers for them! Woohoo.

I love my little zombie family. I love that they let me have my weird way... Especially my zombie hubby.  I'm sure when he was younger and imagined his future wife he was not imagining her pretending to be a zombie... but I think he loves me in spite of my craziness... or maybe even for it ;)

Bonus - if the zombie apocalypse ever really happens, I think we'll totally be safe cause of these stickers... whatcha think?

Brain Overload

Yesterday was rough. Anyone who is my friend on FB or Twitter can vouch for me. 

I'm feeling much better, but the roughness is still lingering in the back of my mind, along with all the normal craziness. I got out of bed today around 3... PM. I've been sitting on the computer since then. My stomach and head hurts from no food, but I'm waiting til we all eat dinner together. 

My happy thought for the day, Magic Mike.

I will be seeing it tonight with a great friend. 

We both need the break. 

So my brain is on overload, but I can't wait to shut it off and enjoy a trashy movie with great lady. 

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend. 

UPDATED: In this corner, at 4'10 5/8"...

So, Not really sure what I'm going to write right this second, but I feel the need to post today.

I am myself at this moment. I LOVE feeling like myself.  Knowing who I am in my own skin.  Not feeling like something else is taking over and controlling me. I feel like most of the time I'm in a boxing match against the depression. Sometimes I can knock it down long enough to get something done.  Other times, I'm KO'ed in one hit and out for the rest of the match... But more and more often recently I have felt like myself.  I think this is mostly due to my crazy pill, but I'm hoping that with some big changes (mentioned previously) that I will be able to not need any medication to feel like myself.

Because I feel like me today, I'm going to get some cleaning done. Hopefully my house will be spotless before I go to bed tonight. Now that I've posted this on here, and on Facebook earlier today, maybe that will make me do it.  Can y'all hold me accountable? Everyone come over to inspect my home at 8! No, let's make it 10!  Come on over and see how clean my house will be.  There will be refreshments... served on the floor of course... because it will be clean enough to eat off of!

Okay, so enough procrastination. I'm off to clean while I'm me. Hope y'all are all having a good day today too. Here's hoping I've knocked out the depression long enough to get this crap done!

UPDATE:
http://thebloggess.com/2012/05/it-comes-around-and-around/
My hero posted this today... Making me even more grateful that I'm having a good day.

Also... The downstairs is spotless and the girls are falling asleep as I type.  So excited to get the upstairs cleaned and my craft corner set up in my room so I can sew. Maybe I'll even post some photos when I'm done. 

Holidays = Someone's gonna be sick, Oh, and Happy Memorial Day

For some reason it never fails... Every single effin holiday someone in my household gets sick. 

This Memorial Day weekend it's me. 

But I don't have your normal sick bug.

I don't even have a crazy bug.

I've got something entirely different. 

It's making me very thoughtful, hopeful, brokenhearted, but looking forward to the future all at the same time. 

It's making me grateful for the family and friends I have around me.

It just sucks that it's a holiday weekend when I have my handsome home and could enjoy time with him. It never fails that one of us is off his/her game. 

BUT

On this memorial day weekend I do want to say that I am grateful for the our Military members; past, present, and future. My grandfather served in the United States Air Force for over 30 years. My 2 baby brothers have been sworn in and will be leaving for basic training this summer. I am proud of my grandfather for his service and the patriotism he taught my mother who in turn taught me and my brothers and sisters. 

Thank you to all our service men and women out there fighting for our freedom!