Thursday, January 24, 2013


In exciting new news, we're having another girl. I should have realized... It was destiny. We're all way excited. We know girls, and we make some cute ones, so I'm not worried.

In other news, I'm in a valley. I've been here since Saturday. Sometimes I feel and think that it's looking back up, but it's not yet. I'm still here. I know this will happen from time to time. It just sucks. I'm happy... I really am. I'm so blessed in so many ways and I'm so grateful for those blessings. But it's like someone has flipped the switch and the light is not shining.

I'm feeling very alone, which is normal for these valleys. Handsome even told me last night that when I get like this I pull away emotionally from everyone, which just makes the loneliness even worse. And it's true. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or what. I tried to explain to him that I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed about the anxiety and depression. I'm embarrassed about all the negative thoughts I have in my head constantly.

Anyone who had someone following them around constantly harassing them would have a hard time. That's what I feel like. Only, it's not like someone's just telling me I'm weird or ugly or making fun of me. It's so much more serious, and made even worse, because it's me. I'm telling myself these things. And I know it's not true. Depression lies. I know this. But still, having to CONSTANTLY have these thoughts bouncing around in my head is hard.

This valley I'm in is stunting everything. All the good emotions I should be feeling right now. I feel like I'm holding this pregnancy at arms length away. I can't emotionally open up to it. I'm still having a hard time processing the fact that I'm having another child. It's almost like I'll wake up and it will have all been a dream.

I'm trying lots of things to get me out of this funk. I'm trying to make sure I leave the house, whether it's just to volunteer at school or go grocery shopping. Having a reason to get dressed is good. I'm also trying to make sure I keep busy, cleaning and doing things and not just sitting playing x-box or the wii or something (but I am allowing myself breaks to stop and relax a second and play a bit.) I want to start walking daily too. But it's so cold, I'm not sure if I can do that one right now, especially with the asthma. But even with trying these things, it doesn't feel like the fog is lifting yet. And I don't really know what else to do other than just keep trying and wait for it to leave. I know it will. It always does. Just like it always comes back. But atleast there is usually some peace to be found in between.

I know the sun is shining just on the other side of the clouds... I just can't see it right now. All I can do is wait til I can see it again.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh!

It's been a little while again. :/ I'm crap on here lately. The entire Christmas and New Years holidays were insane. Very amazing and wonderful, our best ever! But at the same time, utterly exhausting with worry and stress and drama. I'd post more, but I'd end up crying and I'm not up for that right now.

Things have calmed back down a bit and we're getting back into a routine of sorts. It needs to be better, but we're getting there slowly. We've been cleaning and rearranging alot of stuff as well, trying to slowly get ready for this bean to sprout at the end of May.

Actually, today the baby is about all I can think about, especially since the big reveal ultrasound is scheduled for Wednesday, the 16th. Yes, I'm hoping for a boy after our two girls, but either way, it will be awesome to finally get to figure out who is growing in my belly. If you know me, you know I have a weird thing with numbers. It can kinda get obsessive. Tot and Moo were both born on the 16th of their own months, and they are 16 months apart, to the day. Part of me is wondering if this other 16th is a sign that it's another girl. I guess we shall see.

I'm also a bit of a control freak and since all I have is baby on the brain, All I can think about is trying to plan the delivery and the timing and what will be best for all involved, etc. Since we get to schedule this c-section, it makes it super easy. But at the same time, we're also deciding what will be our child's birthday for the rest of his/her life. It was easy with Moo, since we could do it on the 16th... it was an easy choice. But with my due date of June 1st, it's a bit more difficult. Tot's birthday is may 16th, and our anniversary and Mother's day also fall in that week, so it's a hard week for us financially. Me and the hubs can hardly celebrate our anniversary. But we've always found a way so far.

We both would like to have a bit more space between Tot's birthday and this new bean, but we also have to take into consideration that the girls have a dance recital on June 8th and I refuse to miss. I want to have the baby the week or two prior to that week, so I'm not coming home from the hospital and then having to handle the recital the next day. Memorial Day weekend is also in there somewhere, so we're trying to figure out if it's better to do it before that to help save some vacation days for the hubs, or maybe do it the day after, and he'll be off all week... I just don't know. I guess we'll figure it out as we get closer. I'm just a freak and want to know NOW what is going to happen.

Now that we're half way as well, I can't figure out if this is gonna go by too slow or too fast. I need enough time to get ready for the baby coming home, but I also don't want the wait to seem like forever. :/

Like I said, it's a justin beiber song up here in my head right now. "Baby, baby baby, oh! Baby, baby, baby, no!" I'm sure posting constantly about the baby would get annoying, so until my brain switches gears, I'll probably not be on here too much.

But on the plus side, I am making a new years resolution 2 weeks late, to keep a better journal... or journals, I should say. I've got one for each other girls that I've written some letters in over the years, but I want to do better of writing things down for them, and also for this pregnancy and baby. Also, I need to keep a better personal journal. It always helps my issues to write them out, so I can recognize triggers and such, and what works, so I'll be working harder on that. And I'm also starting a Scripture journal. Or a gospel journal. I'm doing it a couple different ways, but I'm thinking it'll work. First, I'll be going through the scriptures, chapter by chapter, and writing what I learn and analyzing those chapters. Then as I learn more about different gospel topics, I'll be writing about those too. So I'll have a chapter section and a topic section. I'm making this journal on loose leaf notebook paper in a 3 ring binder so that I can always add to it. I've already gone through some of my favorite quotes and talks and added them to the topics they are about, and placed them in my  notebook. All I can say is I'm gonna need a bigger notebook. But I'm excited for these goals. And hopefully I can make them into habits and keep them up for a long time!