Roller Coasters Make Me Sick

No really, they do. They kinda always have. I can handle a little bit at first... sometimes even 1/2 a day of it... but then something inside my head or whatever just clicks, and I can't take anymore. I love them though. I love the speed, my stomach flip flopping, the terror. Yes I'm afraid of heights, but that's not what stops me from riding. It the motion sickness. I can handle up and down okay. It's the round and round that gets me.

I've been on a different kind of coaster here lately. It's the round and round of depression that's making me sick... not just mentally, but physically as well.

Yesterday was amazing. I planned out the day and did most everything on my list. I had the strength to do it all and I kicked Monday's butt. Today on the other hand, I've been in my head. Remembering things I'd much rather forget. Thinking about people and places I wish didn't exist. Trying to tackle my to do list head on, only to have it knock me back on  my backside.

Depression is a lying bastard. Sorry for the harsh word. But it is. Anyone who has been there can attest to that truth. It tells you that you're nothing, you're worthless, you shouldn't try because you won't succeed. It makes you look at your blessings differently. You either don't feel worthy or you stop appreciating them. It makes you remember ever mistake you've ever made, things long since forgiven, things that no else remembers. But you do. Because depression makes you remember.

Over the past 4 months, I've been doing much better. I can handle most days. I might not be quite up to par with where I'd like to be, but I do pretty well. Those are the times I can handle, I can suck it up, I can stay on the coasters. After a while of riding, I get sick. I can't take it anymore. I want the ride to end. But it doesn't.

I can always think of things to do to help me feel better when I'm feeling okay. It's weird cause that's when I don't really need all the pick me ups. It's times like this, when I can't seem to even see straight that I need the help, but can't seem to find it ANYWHERE.

So today I feel awful. I can't even hardly think well enough right now to type. Every tiny thing is a distraction. Every tiny thing is a reason to give up. To not try and fight through it.

I know it won't last. For every low, there's a high just up ahead. For me, this is what enduring to the end really means. Though the depression is telling me to give up and give in, I'm not going to do it. I've got too much in life that makes me happy to let the Depression win.

So maybe I won't be able to completely enjoy doing the things I want to this evening, I'm going to do them anyways. Fake it til you make it... right? And maybe tomorrow won't be so hard.

Paralyzed

I am stressed to the max at the moment and when that happens, I stop doing everything, letting the to do list pile up and only increasing the stress level to the point where I explode and implode and it's all just a holy mess.

When I get like this, it usually ends one of two ways.
1. I get horribly sobby and hormonal and freak out on everyone and about everything until I give up on most of my to do list, making me feel like poop and starting a bad funk that takes me quite a while to get out of.
2. I get PISSED at myself for doing this all again and decide it's time I kick ass and get some crap done.

So... I am up tonight doing number 2 (No... not that number 2!). I have a few things written down that I am going to get done and I'm not going to bed until I do them. This could mean that I will be up into the wee hours of the morning. Actually, it definitely means that. Lucky for me, the girls have school tomorrow. So perhaps, if I get things ready enough, Handsome can get the girls off to school in the AM and I can maybe sleep in an extra hour or two before heading off to an appointment.

I'm hoping I can manage it. Sometimes the fire that gets lit under my behind tries to fizzle out. But all I have to do is look at that list again and I'm right back at being pissed that I have yet again failed to do the things I feel are necessary.

Do not think that this list is crazy crap and that I'm some sort of perfectionist. I'm not. I try to be realistic. The dishes need washing. The clothes need folding. The bills need paid. My work needs written. My goals need met. I don't expect to scrub every baseboard and finish every little sewing project I have in mind.

Yes, maybe I tend to overload myself... but if only myself was a bit more organized, I feel as if I could accomplish this all with no problem. There are plenty of hours during the day to do it, but as I said, I'm not organized, which is weird for a Virgo who LOVES to organize.

But I need to have a clean, steady home before I feel comfortable planning my time, and I can't have a clean home because I can't find the dang time to do it. It's a vicious cycle and I'm hoping I'll figure it all out one day.

For tonight though, I'm going to stay as pissed as I can. Angry cleaning is the best cleaning there is after all. Hopefully I can keep it up.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

My Hope

And here’s the thing that I keep thinking about: so I do something really sucky and stupid and everyone looks at me like I’m a Klingon for a second; then what? Who cares? Is anyone going to stab me in the gut with a javelin? Is the government going to repossess all of my belongings for writing a bad blog post, or getting a script rejected a thousand times, or forgetting important birthdays? No. And I think the simple reason behind it is that no one cares as much about what I’m doing as I do. In my mind, the process of me failing starts with people saying, “She’s terrible,” and ends with them saying, “let’s murder her in the alley.” When in reality, it’s more like, “She’s terrible. Ooohh…nachos!”

I read the previous quote in a blog by Melanie Crutchfield. I had my idea for this post before reading hers because of another friend who had blogged about the Hope 2012: A Blog Relay. What she says here has alot to do with my post though, so I figured I'd include it... Now onto my post. 

I have always been the kind of person who was too worried about what others thought.  It has caused issues my entire life, and I wish it was just something that I could just STOP doing… but alas, I've done it for as long as I can remember.

In fact, one of my very first memories is about getting my feelings hurt when I heard my parents laughing about me singing along to a Whitney Houston tape. I think I was like 3 or 4. As a parent, I realize that what I was doing much have been crazy cute to them and that they were probably laughing because of how adorable I was (and still am!) At least, that's what I do, as a parent. But even then, I took what THEY were doing and let it affect how I viewed myself. I still feel uncomfortable singing in front of people.

This type of behavior has affected my WHOLE life. I remember feeling "uncool" as young as first/second grade. I remember feel laughed at or made fun of, when I'm sure others had much better things to do than worry about me. The worry and concern over what everyone else is thinking has followed me into adulthood. And it has been a thorn in my side the entire time.  

I recently had some enlightenment regarding my worry. I was actually trying to defend some previous actions, and it hit me… "WHY!" I realized a lot of things at that moment.

People are going to think whatever they want about you and generally it has nothing to do with who you actually are, and more to do with who THEY are - their own personal perceptions, struggles, worries, issues, experiences, beliefs, etc. You can try to explain what you believe is true until you're blue in the face. It does no good. People form their opinions around experiences and perceptions, most of which are skewed to fit what they NEED to believe at that time.

I have been terrified my whole life of not being liked. I have no idea why… I'm a nice person and I try to be kind… what's not to like ;) But still… It's a HUGE fear. So when I perceive things, that fears skews it. For example, if I walk into a room and I'm not part of a conversation, I worry that it's about me and the people talking are bashing me or whatever. In a way, this is really kind of conceited. Nobody is really talking about me… and if they are… so what. How does that change who I am? How does that make me feel bad? More than likely, most conversations that I worry about have absolutely NOTHING to do with me. And even if they do, I am the one who gives it the power to affect me. My whole view of others is skewed by my own personal fears.

But with this realization that people are going to think whatever they want about me (and that's their right) I have robbed this fear of its power. LET THEM TALK… they're probably not talking about me, and if they are, who cares! I can be myself and not worry about what anyone else thinks… Liking me and being okay with me is all that matters. I have my own personal standards that I try to align with my understanding of the Gospel of Christ. No one except for my Father in Heaven is my judge.

“Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”

James E. Faust

Letting go of this fear has also helped me to be more genuine. When I'm not trying to fit what anyone else wants or expects of me, I can be more of myself. And I am so much happier for it. It's exhausting trying to be what everyone else wants you to be or expects you to be (or what you THINK they want and expect you to be.) And you don't have to do it. I can figure out what I want for myself, what standards I want for myself, what my personal beliefs are, where my faith lies.

I have realized that my Heavenly Father does not want me to fit some cookie cutter mold. That was Satan's plan… for us not to have choice or be different or unique. My Father in Heaven created me different from everyone else… just like everyone else. No one else has my soul, my experiences, my thoughts, my strengths, my weakness, or my perceptions. He doesn't expect me to try to be like anyone else… only to be the best that I can.

I have also learned to be more understanding of others, more accepting. I do not know their thoughts, experiences, perceptions, etc… And because of that, I cannot judge their words or actions. That's not my place or my job. It's my job to be a listening ear and a sympathetic arm. It is my job to be encouraging and uplifting. That's it.

“Genuine hope is urgently needed in order to be more loving even as the love of many waxes cold; more merciful, even when misunderstood or misrepresented; more holy, even as the world ripens in iniquity; more courteous and patient in a coarsening and curt world; and more full of heartfelt hope, even when other men’s hearts fail them. Whatever our particular furrow, we are to ‘plow in hope,’ without looking back or letting yesterday hold tomorrow hostage (1 Cor. 9:10).”

Neal A. Maxwell

This enlightenment has given me one of the greatest gifts in this whole world. HOPE. I have hope for the future that I will be able to learn more about whom I am and what I am here to do and accomplish.  I have hope that I will overcome my ridiculous fears and my awful thoughts that come with depression. I have hope that I will be able to teach this same understanding to my daughters, and that they will then be able to grow into good, strong, confident women who are examples to those around them. Maybe I can also help others to realize this about themselves too. That you don't have to be afraid of what anyone thinks. You only need to worry about what YOU think. If YOU are okay with YOU, the no one else can break you down. I have hope for the future. And that helps me to be happy with today. 

Now it's time to pass the torch on. Keep it going... What gives you Hope? Hope in anything, the future, humanity, the weather... any of it. Just blog about Hope ;)