If you're not broke...

don't read this.

I consider myself broken. I am not whole, perfect, or normal by any means. 

I look at women who have it all together, women who are pretty,  women who are tall, women who parent with gentle voices and don't threaten to eat their children, women who can work and take care of their house, women with clean homes, women with clean clothes, women with children dressed in the latest trends, women with their hair done, their nails done, their make up perfect... and I envy them.

I think they must be better than me, normal. I assume they think they're better than me. 

I judge them and I do it harshly. I almost kind of hold myself separate from them because I consider myself broken. They could never understand me. They would never be able to relate to my struggles or my issues or my trials. In some ways it makes me feel better to judge. Then I can feel a bit better about the fact that my home is not clean or my hair is not fixed because these women feel they are too good for me so I don't have to talk to them and let them judge me while I judge them in return.

Over the past month of me writing this blog I have received so many emails and messages from people, some of whom I have been judging. They said thank you for my honesty about my struggle and related their own struggles to me and it opened my eyes in so many ways.

We are all broken in one way or another. No one in this world is whole or even normal.

We have to quit judging. We have to quit comparing. We have to realize we're all just doing our best with what we have and what we can handle. We have to stop comparing our worst to others' best. If we saw each other at that lowest point, we would feel nothing but compassion and empathy for one another. So many women have shown me just that, compassion and empathy, because I am putting my lows out there for the world to see. I have felt so uplifted by their messages and their reassurances that I am not alone. 

I'm making a new goal for myself - NO MORE JUDGING.

I'm going to try not to judge those women around me who I think have it all and have it all together, because they don't. I'm going to quit judging myself based on some imagined "perfect mom" that I think I should be. I'm going to try to realize we're all doing what we can with what we have, and that's all that is required of us. 

I'm going to try to be more friendly and open to the women I meet. 

I think this will help be a bit happier, and love myself and those around me a bit more. Hopefully I can have more charity for everyone... after all... We're all broke. Every single one of us. And if we realize that maybe we can help fix ourselves and maybe others too.

Who Peed On My Twinkie?

Michael did, that's who. My younger brother (the oldest of the younger) peed on my Twinkie... NO LIE. TRUE STORY.  I SWEAR! Cross my heart and hope to die and all that.

Michael was born right before I turned 2. So before he could sit up (probably right after my 2nd birthday) my mom decided we both needed a bath, so why not stick us both in at the same time.  My mom laid Michael on one of those yellow sponge things that has the shape of a baby cut out of it and she hollered for me to come take a bath. I had been in the kitchen eating a Twinkie so I came into the bathroom to get my bath.  I got undressed while I was finishing my Twinkie and jumped in the tub.  My sweet little baby brother decided to urinate.  It shot straight up in the air and landed on my Twinkie. 

Now, I was too young to remember this but I have been terrified to eat Twinkies since then. Actually, I'm not a big fan of anything cream filled. And I didn't even know about this story til a few years ago when my mom told me about it, but though I didn't remember why... I was still afraid to eat Twinkies. 

Fast forward 25 years... 

Last week we had dinner at a friend's house. For some reason they decided we all needed to have fried Twinkies for desert. I'm not sure they had every previously made fried Twinkies, but they were way excited about them. I decided to face my fear head on and try a fried Twinkie. 

Turns out they are DELICIOUS! It tasted almost exactly like funnel cake. SO GOOD. 

I couldn't believe that it took me 25 years to get over that completely insane and unfounded fear of cream filled desserts (and donuts, because donuts are not desserts... right? Unless you get one of those donut sundaes at Krispy Kreme, which I'm pretty sure could induce a sugar coma. But those aren't cream filled, they're cream topped, so I'm totally not afraid of them and instead find them delicious.)

There are lots of other things I'm afraid of that are insane.

At some point in my life I will have to face those fears head on and not all of them will end as deliciously as the twinkie one did, but hopefully I'll learn something from them and grow to be a better person because of them. 

UPDATED: In this corner, at 4'10 5/8"...

So, Not really sure what I'm going to write right this second, but I feel the need to post today.

I am myself at this moment. I LOVE feeling like myself.  Knowing who I am in my own skin.  Not feeling like something else is taking over and controlling me. I feel like most of the time I'm in a boxing match against the depression. Sometimes I can knock it down long enough to get something done.  Other times, I'm KO'ed in one hit and out for the rest of the match... But more and more often recently I have felt like myself.  I think this is mostly due to my crazy pill, but I'm hoping that with some big changes (mentioned previously) that I will be able to not need any medication to feel like myself.

Because I feel like me today, I'm going to get some cleaning done. Hopefully my house will be spotless before I go to bed tonight. Now that I've posted this on here, and on Facebook earlier today, maybe that will make me do it.  Can y'all hold me accountable? Everyone come over to inspect my home at 8! No, let's make it 10!  Come on over and see how clean my house will be.  There will be refreshments... served on the floor of course... because it will be clean enough to eat off of!

Okay, so enough procrastination. I'm off to clean while I'm me. Hope y'all are all having a good day today too. Here's hoping I've knocked out the depression long enough to get this crap done!

UPDATE:
http://thebloggess.com/2012/05/it-comes-around-and-around/
My hero posted this today... Making me even more grateful that I'm having a good day.

Also... The downstairs is spotless and the girls are falling asleep as I type.  So excited to get the upstairs cleaned and my craft corner set up in my room so I can sew. Maybe I'll even post some photos when I'm done.