Thursday, January 24, 2013


In exciting new news, we're having another girl. I should have realized... It was destiny. We're all way excited. We know girls, and we make some cute ones, so I'm not worried.

In other news, I'm in a valley. I've been here since Saturday. Sometimes I feel and think that it's looking back up, but it's not yet. I'm still here. I know this will happen from time to time. It just sucks. I'm happy... I really am. I'm so blessed in so many ways and I'm so grateful for those blessings. But it's like someone has flipped the switch and the light is not shining.

I'm feeling very alone, which is normal for these valleys. Handsome even told me last night that when I get like this I pull away emotionally from everyone, which just makes the loneliness even worse. And it's true. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or what. I tried to explain to him that I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed about the anxiety and depression. I'm embarrassed about all the negative thoughts I have in my head constantly.

Anyone who had someone following them around constantly harassing them would have a hard time. That's what I feel like. Only, it's not like someone's just telling me I'm weird or ugly or making fun of me. It's so much more serious, and made even worse, because it's me. I'm telling myself these things. And I know it's not true. Depression lies. I know this. But still, having to CONSTANTLY have these thoughts bouncing around in my head is hard.

This valley I'm in is stunting everything. All the good emotions I should be feeling right now. I feel like I'm holding this pregnancy at arms length away. I can't emotionally open up to it. I'm still having a hard time processing the fact that I'm having another child. It's almost like I'll wake up and it will have all been a dream.

I'm trying lots of things to get me out of this funk. I'm trying to make sure I leave the house, whether it's just to volunteer at school or go grocery shopping. Having a reason to get dressed is good. I'm also trying to make sure I keep busy, cleaning and doing things and not just sitting playing x-box or the wii or something (but I am allowing myself breaks to stop and relax a second and play a bit.) I want to start walking daily too. But it's so cold, I'm not sure if I can do that one right now, especially with the asthma. But even with trying these things, it doesn't feel like the fog is lifting yet. And I don't really know what else to do other than just keep trying and wait for it to leave. I know it will. It always does. Just like it always comes back. But atleast there is usually some peace to be found in between.

I know the sun is shining just on the other side of the clouds... I just can't see it right now. All I can do is wait til I can see it again.

1 comment:

Katie and the Mr said...

Isn't it just the worst? Goodness, we should talk. It is so hard to go through what you are going through!