Roller Coasters Make Me Sick

No really, they do. They kinda always have. I can handle a little bit at first... sometimes even 1/2 a day of it... but then something inside my head or whatever just clicks, and I can't take anymore. I love them though. I love the speed, my stomach flip flopping, the terror. Yes I'm afraid of heights, but that's not what stops me from riding. It the motion sickness. I can handle up and down okay. It's the round and round that gets me.

I've been on a different kind of coaster here lately. It's the round and round of depression that's making me sick... not just mentally, but physically as well.

Yesterday was amazing. I planned out the day and did most everything on my list. I had the strength to do it all and I kicked Monday's butt. Today on the other hand, I've been in my head. Remembering things I'd much rather forget. Thinking about people and places I wish didn't exist. Trying to tackle my to do list head on, only to have it knock me back on  my backside.

Depression is a lying bastard. Sorry for the harsh word. But it is. Anyone who has been there can attest to that truth. It tells you that you're nothing, you're worthless, you shouldn't try because you won't succeed. It makes you look at your blessings differently. You either don't feel worthy or you stop appreciating them. It makes you remember ever mistake you've ever made, things long since forgiven, things that no else remembers. But you do. Because depression makes you remember.

Over the past 4 months, I've been doing much better. I can handle most days. I might not be quite up to par with where I'd like to be, but I do pretty well. Those are the times I can handle, I can suck it up, I can stay on the coasters. After a while of riding, I get sick. I can't take it anymore. I want the ride to end. But it doesn't.

I can always think of things to do to help me feel better when I'm feeling okay. It's weird cause that's when I don't really need all the pick me ups. It's times like this, when I can't seem to even see straight that I need the help, but can't seem to find it ANYWHERE.

So today I feel awful. I can't even hardly think well enough right now to type. Every tiny thing is a distraction. Every tiny thing is a reason to give up. To not try and fight through it.

I know it won't last. For every low, there's a high just up ahead. For me, this is what enduring to the end really means. Though the depression is telling me to give up and give in, I'm not going to do it. I've got too much in life that makes me happy to let the Depression win.

So maybe I won't be able to completely enjoy doing the things I want to this evening, I'm going to do them anyways. Fake it til you make it... right? And maybe tomorrow won't be so hard.

Paralyzed

I am stressed to the max at the moment and when that happens, I stop doing everything, letting the to do list pile up and only increasing the stress level to the point where I explode and implode and it's all just a holy mess.

When I get like this, it usually ends one of two ways.
1. I get horribly sobby and hormonal and freak out on everyone and about everything until I give up on most of my to do list, making me feel like poop and starting a bad funk that takes me quite a while to get out of.
2. I get PISSED at myself for doing this all again and decide it's time I kick ass and get some crap done.

So... I am up tonight doing number 2 (No... not that number 2!). I have a few things written down that I am going to get done and I'm not going to bed until I do them. This could mean that I will be up into the wee hours of the morning. Actually, it definitely means that. Lucky for me, the girls have school tomorrow. So perhaps, if I get things ready enough, Handsome can get the girls off to school in the AM and I can maybe sleep in an extra hour or two before heading off to an appointment.

I'm hoping I can manage it. Sometimes the fire that gets lit under my behind tries to fizzle out. But all I have to do is look at that list again and I'm right back at being pissed that I have yet again failed to do the things I feel are necessary.

Do not think that this list is crazy crap and that I'm some sort of perfectionist. I'm not. I try to be realistic. The dishes need washing. The clothes need folding. The bills need paid. My work needs written. My goals need met. I don't expect to scrub every baseboard and finish every little sewing project I have in mind.

Yes, maybe I tend to overload myself... but if only myself was a bit more organized, I feel as if I could accomplish this all with no problem. There are plenty of hours during the day to do it, but as I said, I'm not organized, which is weird for a Virgo who LOVES to organize.

But I need to have a clean, steady home before I feel comfortable planning my time, and I can't have a clean home because I can't find the dang time to do it. It's a vicious cycle and I'm hoping I'll figure it all out one day.

For tonight though, I'm going to stay as pissed as I can. Angry cleaning is the best cleaning there is after all. Hopefully I can keep it up.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Some Videos and a Link

I apologize that I haven't posted since Sunday. I'm still trying to get used to the girls being in school, writing my articles on www.dailybubble.com and just life in general.

Today, I'm a bit emotional... thank you hormones. Just what I needed. Any thing I would write today would probably only end up with me "going off" or me going into stuff y'all don't want to know anything about... Anyways... I'm not going to write too much today. Just share some stuffs.

My baby brother got engaged a little while ago. He re-wrote a popular song and sang it to his lady ;) Kinda cute.

 

He also sang "I'm Your's" before he sang the proposal song... 

(This song has a special place in my heart. My brother sang it to me at my baby shower when I was pregnant with my first little girl!  Also, both of those boys are my baby brothers ;) They're not too shabby huh?)

I found this hilarious video today about the town I grew up in... I'm not sure if it'd be funny to anyone except people who know the area, but I'm sharing it anyways... I'm proud of my hometown!

If you notice in the previous videos of my brothers, they're singing at "The Streets of Indian Lake" in front of that restaurant that's been closed for over a year! lol. I love H'ville!

And lastly, I'm hosting a 31 party for a friend of mine. This friend is awesome and has a crazy month ahead of her. My party is closing on Monday, but if you all are interested in a bag or something, please check out this site and help us out ;) I'll owe you big time!

Click here for my 31 party!

Thanks y'all! Have a great weekend!

We have some winners!!!

Did you see my post about the giveaway? If you didn't already comment on it, sorry but it's too late! We have three winners!

The winning comments are

AlyssaAugust 3, 2012 10:04 PM

Congrats on the 30 followers! All the milestones are worthwhile; keep writing!

thewildweirdworld.blogspot.com

Chico's person (Erica)August 3, 2012 12:10 PM

Dude! Free stuff? I am all over that! AND you already have my e-mail address over on FB so it's like we're already halfway there!
Congratulations on 30 stalkers! That is fabulous!
And please note how excited this comment is by the number of exclamation marks.

Sam WhiteoakAugust 3, 2012 1:59 AM

I'm not listed in your awesome blogs.... :-(

Congrats ladies! You can email me your addresses to KeavenNeely@gmail.com I can't wait to get your surprises together and send them out! I hope you love them!

30 by 30

With my birthday coming at the end of this month, I have decided to create a small bucket list. I will be 28 this year, so that leaves 2 more years in my 20's. I made this little list of things to do before that 30th birthday gets here. So here ya go...

30 by 30

1.  Run a half marathon, the Warrior Dash, and the Color Run.
2. Take a road trip by my lonesome and stop whenever I want.
3.  Take ball room dancing lessons.
4. Find my go to Karaoke song.
5. Have baby number 3.
6. Turn an internet only friend into a real life friend.
7. Ride in either a Hot Air Balloon or a Helicopter, maybe both, not at the same time.
8.  Have a large vegetable garden and keep it alive.
9. Do a family hike and camp out trip.
10. Write letters and send picture regularly to family.
11. Learn how to really play the guitar.
12. Go someplace I need a passport for.
13. Visit Niagra Falls.
14.  Tour the "mormon" trail.
15. Catch up on all my scrapbooking.
16. Ride a horse again.
17. Participate in a flash mob.
18. Volunteer regularly
19. Take the kids to Disney World
20. Visit Harry Potter world
21.  Do an anniversary photo shoot for our 10 year (kinda like an engagement shoot)
22.  Paint all the rooms in the house.
23. Attend a giant music festival (bonnaroo?)
24. Have Blue/Turquoise hair… this is gonna happen!
25. Fill out our family tree book for the kids.
26. Train my dogs so they don't drive me crazy.
27. Go white water rafting with Handsome, this time on the same raft as my hubby ;)
28. Write in my journal weekly at least.
29. Get a gun license and learn to use the dang thing.
30. Read start to finish all the Scriptures. (Old and New testament, BOM, D&C and PoGP)

BlogHer 2013 Giveaway.

BlogHer is giving away a chance to attend their 2013 convention in Chicago. I am blogging for a chance to win and to tell you all you may have a chance to win too if you go here... http://www.blogher.com/blogher-home-giveaway-3-more-swag-bags-and-blogher13-pass and enter. Do it. And if you win, remember to thank me!

My Hope

And here’s the thing that I keep thinking about: so I do something really sucky and stupid and everyone looks at me like I’m a Klingon for a second; then what? Who cares? Is anyone going to stab me in the gut with a javelin? Is the government going to repossess all of my belongings for writing a bad blog post, or getting a script rejected a thousand times, or forgetting important birthdays? No. And I think the simple reason behind it is that no one cares as much about what I’m doing as I do. In my mind, the process of me failing starts with people saying, “She’s terrible,” and ends with them saying, “let’s murder her in the alley.” When in reality, it’s more like, “She’s terrible. Ooohh…nachos!”

I read the previous quote in a blog by Melanie Crutchfield. I had my idea for this post before reading hers because of another friend who had blogged about the Hope 2012: A Blog Relay. What she says here has alot to do with my post though, so I figured I'd include it... Now onto my post. 

I have always been the kind of person who was too worried about what others thought.  It has caused issues my entire life, and I wish it was just something that I could just STOP doing… but alas, I've done it for as long as I can remember.

In fact, one of my very first memories is about getting my feelings hurt when I heard my parents laughing about me singing along to a Whitney Houston tape. I think I was like 3 or 4. As a parent, I realize that what I was doing much have been crazy cute to them and that they were probably laughing because of how adorable I was (and still am!) At least, that's what I do, as a parent. But even then, I took what THEY were doing and let it affect how I viewed myself. I still feel uncomfortable singing in front of people.

This type of behavior has affected my WHOLE life. I remember feeling "uncool" as young as first/second grade. I remember feel laughed at or made fun of, when I'm sure others had much better things to do than worry about me. The worry and concern over what everyone else is thinking has followed me into adulthood. And it has been a thorn in my side the entire time.  

I recently had some enlightenment regarding my worry. I was actually trying to defend some previous actions, and it hit me… "WHY!" I realized a lot of things at that moment.

People are going to think whatever they want about you and generally it has nothing to do with who you actually are, and more to do with who THEY are - their own personal perceptions, struggles, worries, issues, experiences, beliefs, etc. You can try to explain what you believe is true until you're blue in the face. It does no good. People form their opinions around experiences and perceptions, most of which are skewed to fit what they NEED to believe at that time.

I have been terrified my whole life of not being liked. I have no idea why… I'm a nice person and I try to be kind… what's not to like ;) But still… It's a HUGE fear. So when I perceive things, that fears skews it. For example, if I walk into a room and I'm not part of a conversation, I worry that it's about me and the people talking are bashing me or whatever. In a way, this is really kind of conceited. Nobody is really talking about me… and if they are… so what. How does that change who I am? How does that make me feel bad? More than likely, most conversations that I worry about have absolutely NOTHING to do with me. And even if they do, I am the one who gives it the power to affect me. My whole view of others is skewed by my own personal fears.

But with this realization that people are going to think whatever they want about me (and that's their right) I have robbed this fear of its power. LET THEM TALK… they're probably not talking about me, and if they are, who cares! I can be myself and not worry about what anyone else thinks… Liking me and being okay with me is all that matters. I have my own personal standards that I try to align with my understanding of the Gospel of Christ. No one except for my Father in Heaven is my judge.

“Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”

James E. Faust

Letting go of this fear has also helped me to be more genuine. When I'm not trying to fit what anyone else wants or expects of me, I can be more of myself. And I am so much happier for it. It's exhausting trying to be what everyone else wants you to be or expects you to be (or what you THINK they want and expect you to be.) And you don't have to do it. I can figure out what I want for myself, what standards I want for myself, what my personal beliefs are, where my faith lies.

I have realized that my Heavenly Father does not want me to fit some cookie cutter mold. That was Satan's plan… for us not to have choice or be different or unique. My Father in Heaven created me different from everyone else… just like everyone else. No one else has my soul, my experiences, my thoughts, my strengths, my weakness, or my perceptions. He doesn't expect me to try to be like anyone else… only to be the best that I can.

I have also learned to be more understanding of others, more accepting. I do not know their thoughts, experiences, perceptions, etc… And because of that, I cannot judge their words or actions. That's not my place or my job. It's my job to be a listening ear and a sympathetic arm. It is my job to be encouraging and uplifting. That's it.

“Genuine hope is urgently needed in order to be more loving even as the love of many waxes cold; more merciful, even when misunderstood or misrepresented; more holy, even as the world ripens in iniquity; more courteous and patient in a coarsening and curt world; and more full of heartfelt hope, even when other men’s hearts fail them. Whatever our particular furrow, we are to ‘plow in hope,’ without looking back or letting yesterday hold tomorrow hostage (1 Cor. 9:10).”

Neal A. Maxwell

This enlightenment has given me one of the greatest gifts in this whole world. HOPE. I have hope for the future that I will be able to learn more about whom I am and what I am here to do and accomplish.  I have hope that I will overcome my ridiculous fears and my awful thoughts that come with depression. I have hope that I will be able to teach this same understanding to my daughters, and that they will then be able to grow into good, strong, confident women who are examples to those around them. Maybe I can also help others to realize this about themselves too. That you don't have to be afraid of what anyone thinks. You only need to worry about what YOU think. If YOU are okay with YOU, the no one else can break you down. I have hope for the future. And that helps me to be happy with today. 

Now it's time to pass the torch on. Keep it going... What gives you Hope? Hope in anything, the future, humanity, the weather... any of it. Just blog about Hope ;) 

I wrote a blog post tonight that I can't post so instead...

(don't worry, it wasn't bad... it's actually pretty stinkin funny and maybe I can post it soon, just not yet.)

so instead... I'm doing a giveaway... I had promised a couple fun ladies a little while back a goody for answering a question and I completely blanked on it... SORRY. But here's a second chance. 

I hit 30 followers! To some that's like... nothing. To me it's huge. 30 of you read me somewhat regularly! And I want to say thank you! So... I have 3 prizes I'll be sending out to random people who comment on the blog. The prizes will be surprises, nothing crazy huge, but definitely fun and something I personally would be crazy excited to get in the mail. 

All you have to do is comment! Make sure I have a way of contacting you to get an address also! You don't have to post it here, but atleast FB me or give me an e-mail or your own blog link or whatever, so that I can tell you when you win. If we only have 3 comments, you'll all get something. But I would really like for you to tell your friends. When I get 50 followers, we'll do another giveaway for 5 people... so if you don't win this time, you can tell your friends and maybe you will next time.

Okay... So comment! And good luck!

So I totally didn't put any kind of time limit on this thing... SORRY. I'll be picking winners on Sunday evening... not sure what time... So hurry and comment and tell your friends! 

My brain may just pack up and leave me. It's already distancing itself...

I'm a bit on overload at the moment. I realized today that I am keeping so busy, I'm becoming a bit numb. Too much to do, hence too little time to sit and really think about things and work on stuff that needs dealing with. School started today for the girls. I got a job writing for DailyBubble.com. I'm crocheting and sewing and drawing and cleaning and helping a friend plan her wedding. And I'm trying to work on me. Okay... so I've been avoiding that last one. After a couple very intensely emotional weeks, I needed a break. But I kinda went extreme with it and won't allow myself to really get emotional over anything. It's not smart, and this whole busy bee thing will only lead to a crash and a funk if I don't watch it and ensure that I'm taking care of myself during it all. (UGH, I'm trying to remember all the things I talked about with the therapist today, and I can't remember it all... I wonder if he'd mind if I started taking notes.)

So, my brain is getting aggravated with me, I'm sure. I'm kinda tuning it out and shutting it off and just going through motions without feeling or thinking. Some of that is good. The bad thoughts need to go. But, that doesn't mean the good have to go with them. And in all honesty, some of those bad thoughts are necessary and can lead to good enlightened thoughts when dealt with the correct way... by figuring out why they're there and how to refashion them or praying for inspiration on how to fix them. That may be very vague... did anyone get that?

SO, I've been writing alot. Over 2500 words a day actually. But it's all celebrity news for the DailyBubble.com (Go check them out and tell your friends... Please? Thanks!) That's a bunch of words though. And that does not include facebook and twitter... this blog... or my narrative. The last two I need to work on much more... and probably will focus more on them next week while the girls are gone to school. This whole writing all the time thing is never something I really thought I'd do, but it kinda fits in some ways.

A decade ago it seems like all I did was write. I wrote notes constantly in High School, plus, you know, school work. I also constantly wrote poetry and stories (most were very dark and kinda disturbing now that I look back on them.) And when I wasn't writing that kind of stuff, I kept journals. I was actually VERY thorough with them, right up until I met my husband and we got married and all that jazz. I even have a list in one of them of every boy I've ever kissed. I started it when I was 14 and had my first kiss. Not sure it's the hubs favorite, but all that matter is his name is last on it, right?

Okay... So, I used to write ALOT. I have actually kept alot of it too. I have all my poetry and stories, I've kept all my journals, and I've even kept some letters and notes from high school. A part of me feels like there's a reason to keep them. I feel a need to share my story, if for nothing else than to put it in writing so that I personally can learn from it. Once I can put words to emotions and events, I can take them and figure them out, pick them apart, try and learn whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from them.

Okay... so... the point of this post... I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off because I'm trying to avoid feeling... that directly affects the blog and my narrative because they're usually all about feeling and issues and such. So, I'm going to remember to BREATHE. To take care of myself. To take advantage of those moments when I get lost in housework and such, but also allow for moments of feeling, whether it's good or bad or ugly. I'm going to work more on the 'for me' writing. And hopefully my brain won't hate me and punish me with a funk. Hopefully.