Wednesday, August 1, 2012

My brain may just pack up and leave me. It's already distancing itself...

I'm a bit on overload at the moment. I realized today that I am keeping so busy, I'm becoming a bit numb. Too much to do, hence too little time to sit and really think about things and work on stuff that needs dealing with. School started today for the girls. I got a job writing for I'm crocheting and sewing and drawing and cleaning and helping a friend plan her wedding. And I'm trying to work on me. Okay... so I've been avoiding that last one. After a couple very intensely emotional weeks, I needed a break. But I kinda went extreme with it and won't allow myself to really get emotional over anything. It's not smart, and this whole busy bee thing will only lead to a crash and a funk if I don't watch it and ensure that I'm taking care of myself during it all. (UGH, I'm trying to remember all the things I talked about with the therapist today, and I can't remember it all... I wonder if he'd mind if I started taking notes.)

So, my brain is getting aggravated with me, I'm sure. I'm kinda tuning it out and shutting it off and just going through motions without feeling or thinking. Some of that is good. The bad thoughts need to go. But, that doesn't mean the good have to go with them. And in all honesty, some of those bad thoughts are necessary and can lead to good enlightened thoughts when dealt with the correct way... by figuring out why they're there and how to refashion them or praying for inspiration on how to fix them. That may be very vague... did anyone get that?

SO, I've been writing alot. Over 2500 words a day actually. But it's all celebrity news for the (Go check them out and tell your friends... Please? Thanks!) That's a bunch of words though. And that does not include facebook and twitter... this blog... or my narrative. The last two I need to work on much more... and probably will focus more on them next week while the girls are gone to school. This whole writing all the time thing is never something I really thought I'd do, but it kinda fits in some ways.

A decade ago it seems like all I did was write. I wrote notes constantly in High School, plus, you know, school work. I also constantly wrote poetry and stories (most were very dark and kinda disturbing now that I look back on them.) And when I wasn't writing that kind of stuff, I kept journals. I was actually VERY thorough with them, right up until I met my husband and we got married and all that jazz. I even have a list in one of them of every boy I've ever kissed. I started it when I was 14 and had my first kiss. Not sure it's the hubs favorite, but all that matter is his name is last on it, right?

Okay... So, I used to write ALOT. I have actually kept alot of it too. I have all my poetry and stories, I've kept all my journals, and I've even kept some letters and notes from high school. A part of me feels like there's a reason to keep them. I feel a need to share my story, if for nothing else than to put it in writing so that I personally can learn from it. Once I can put words to emotions and events, I can take them and figure them out, pick them apart, try and learn whatever it is I'm supposed to learn from them.

Okay... so... the point of this post... I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off because I'm trying to avoid feeling... that directly affects the blog and my narrative because they're usually all about feeling and issues and such. So, I'm going to remember to BREATHE. To take care of myself. To take advantage of those moments when I get lost in housework and such, but also allow for moments of feeling, whether it's good or bad or ugly. I'm going to work more on the 'for me' writing. And hopefully my brain won't hate me and punish me with a funk. Hopefully.

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