Brain Overload

Yesterday was rough. Anyone who is my friend on FB or Twitter can vouch for me. 

I'm feeling much better, but the roughness is still lingering in the back of my mind, along with all the normal craziness. I got out of bed today around 3... PM. I've been sitting on the computer since then. My stomach and head hurts from no food, but I'm waiting til we all eat dinner together. 

My happy thought for the day, Magic Mike.

I will be seeing it tonight with a great friend. 

We both need the break. 

So my brain is on overload, but I can't wait to shut it off and enjoy a trashy movie with great lady. 

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend. 

My first vlog... Don't make fun

So I was driving home today and had so many things in my mind about my blog, so I figured before I forgot it, I'd just video tape it!!!

 And thus, my first vlog was created!

(You can make as much fun of me as you want... just don't do it where I can here you! You will hurt my heart if you do. And then I'll punch you in yours. (Why are little people so violent? Seriously... I don't know why we are... I just know we are!))

I just got home about an hour ago and I have to say that I LOVE my kitchen.  

I'm trying to get the photos of it from my iPod to my computer but for some reason they're both stupid at the moment and I can't get it done... so I just tweeted one of the photos and I'm hoping I can get it on here from there...

FINALLY... That only took my like 20 minutes. GOSH!

Anyways... About my therapy thing today... There is a traumatic event in my past that I need to get over. My therapist is having me write it all down in extreme detail and we're going to go over and over and over it until it loses it's power. It's a GREAT plan and I can't wait to get to the end of this plan where this event doesn't bother me anymore... but it's SO hard to get started.  Just thinking about this event makes me sick to my stomach and makes my skin crawl... trying to write down every detail at the moment seems impossible. But I know I'll get there... Like I said in the video, my therapist said every writing session is going to wear me out mentally and emotionally so I'll need to be ready to do something to lift my spirits afterwards... any ideas?

Welp, I'm gonna go watch 21 Jump Street now with my wonderful Handsome while our little girls sleep in their own beds for the first time in over a week. Night y'all!

Raw

So, I can't bring myself to write this post. My emotions have been severely raw because of some therapy stuff and I realized I've been hiding these emotions from everyone, including myself.

I need to be honest and open and real about it all, but I can't at the moment. Beginning would only bring hours of tears and heartache and I'm not ready to face it right now... I'm kinda sick... Physically... and that makes the mental and emotional stuff only that much harder.

I also am staying at my mom's and dad's right now and I'm surrounded by prying eyes.  Not that my family pries, but me having an emotional breakdown with everyone watching is not ideal.

So yeah... My emotions are crazy raw and I'm trying to find the strength to be honest.  It's not coming yet, but I'm admitting that I need to get there... That's a step in the right direction, if only a baby one.

But be prepared, at some point the words will start to flow and I don't think I'll be able to hold them back.

UPDATED: Double U - I - O - Wah!

(If you can be the first to name where the title to this blog came from, I'll send you a surprise! Just comment with where you think I stole it from and also your email so I can let you know if you get the surprise! If no one gets it soon, I'll add clues.)


I went to Iowa this weekend with my dad, sister and girls. My daughters got to meet their great grandmothers for the first time. It was an awesome trip, but I'm trying to recover from it. Apparently I'm allergic to Iowa.

They talk VERY WEIRD. It's not a cold drink, soda, or coke... It's pop.  That wasn't news to me, but still weird. Also they call a Sloppy Joe a Maid Rite... what the heck! Anyone else ever heard of that or say that? It's better than a loose beef sandwich which is another term my dad uses for Sloppy Joe. Call it that and I won't touch it with a 10 foot pole.  That just sounds NASTY.

Moving on... This isn't a real post. Just to say I'm trying to recover from the 72 hour trip (24 of it driving there and back) so don't expect too much from me over the next few days. Hopefully it won't take me too long to recoup.

Don't forget to leave your comment about the blog title!

UPDATE**
So I had two friends who guessed the answer correctly.  The correct answer is the Backyardigans. I think that episode was one of my favorites, mainly because we have made fun of my dad for YEARS for being from IOWA and how there is NOTHING there but corn. Anyways, Two winners... One on Facebook and one on here... so you're both getting surprises! Nashville Canuck - I need your address. You can email it to me at keavenneely@gmail.com

These Dreams

... I'm pretending I belong to the group Heart.

Lately I have been having the WORST dreams. They are so vivid and I remember so much detail from them I hardly feel like I slept at all when I wake up in the morning. IT SUCKS.

Most of my dreams have revolved around me trying to protect my girls from harm, get them to safety, or rescue them from some awful tragedy. I was talking this over with my therapist and he said one train of thought is that the people in my dreams are really me... so I'm not worried about protecting my kids, but myself. This makes COMPLETE sense and looking back on the specific dreams I have had I can clearly see that my subconscious is trying very hard to sort through some drama.

I just wish it could do it without me having to remember these horrific dreams... I need some peaceful sleep at some point!

Ready, Set... DRAW

So, last night I picked up some pens and paper and started drawing and I have hardly stopped all day. 

I'm making name prints for family and friends and I'm thinking about maybe opening up an etsy shop for them... If I do, I have so many different crafts I make, I wonder what in the world I would call my shop.

Anyways... Here's some of the stuff I've done today.

These are using a Bug/Insect theme.

This next one I did using a Sea theme. I think it's one of my favorites.

Here is a kite theme. I'm thinking about doing a few more cute quotes and sayings.

Flowers!

And my last one of the night... Safari. 

As soon I have the chance, I'll open up that shop and get this thing going... maybe making some extra cash ;) 

I did start a Flickr account for stuff, and I'll be adding more pics of new themes there. 

Check them out here!

Either way, All this drawing has helped to relieve some of the funk I've felt over the past few days. (some very sweet messages from friends and family have helped too. Thanks to those who I've talked to or who have written me. You've been great help.)

A warning

It's been a long time since my last post... there's much to say. But I'm not ready to say it yet. I'll have to get my thoughts clear first. Until then...

We've had some nice weather so we've been leaving the door opened. Because of this, we've had a million flies move into our house. So I've been on a killing spree with a fly swatter in hand. I got this one...

Can you see it? Up there on the wall above the tv near the ceiling?

Here's a closer pic.

I asked Handsome if he would get up there and clean the guts off the wall.

His suggestion is to leave them up there as a warning to all the other flies who have entered into our home. 

This is why I love that man!

Too much to think straight

So much has happened since Tuesday, that I'm going to have to go through and post stuff one at a time, but I can't yet, because this weekend is going to be NUTS.

But here's a little sample...
1. Went to planned parenthood and was bombarded by some people who ended by telling me they'd pray for my soul.
2. Had my first Therapist visit, and I think I may have overwhelmed him.
3. We got a new VAN! New to us anyways, but 2 seconds after we got it I locked all the keys in it, and after trying to break in for almost 3 hours, I finally gave in and called a locksmith.
4. The girls are doing their dance recital tomorrow and I can't stand how cute they are in it. I'm going to cry like crazy.
5. Trying to get ready for the rest of the weekend... Recitals, Reunions, Church, and family visiting... It should be fun.
6. I have to update y'all on my crazy meds! There's going to be some big changes in the next couple weeks and I hope that myself and those around me survive!
7. Dying my hair purple... photos to come.

More to come. But seriously, my brain hurts from all the thinking I've been doing, so I need to give it a break.

Do it for yourself.

I have a friend (I'll call her Sam) who is one of my three heroes. I met Sam about 7 years ago I think. I could go on and on about how amazing she is, all that she has endured and overcome, but most of it is pretty personal and I don't feel comfortable sharing it all on here, but in my opinion, she's had WAY MORE than her fair share of trials in this life. Seriously... It's unreal!!!

I went out to see Sam yesterday very last minute... I called on the way. She was welcoming as always. I love going to her farm.  Yes she has a farm! And it has everything a good farm has, cows, horses, chickens, rabbits, baby wild turkeys, a fully stocked pond with a dock to have picnics on... It's heaven on earth. My girls have a BLAST every time we go and it makes me ache to have them grow up in the country, but I digress.

When I first met Sam, we were instantly friends. Over the years she has become family. Every time I see her I know more and more that we were meant to be in each others lives. Yesterday, Sam and I sat in her room on the floor and talked for a couple hours. I had no idea how badly I needed that. 

Sam has been through much of the same things I have in life and has many of the same issues (anxiety, depression, etc.) I was telling her about my struggle and the ways I'm trying to overcome it. I told her about being molested when I was 14, and feeling so sad for that little girl I was then. Sam told me she had been molested as a child as well. She told me she calls her younger self the "Summer Child." I told Sam about how I want to get better for my Handsome, for my girls, for the children we have yet to have... Sam told me something amazing.

The only way I will truly get better is to get better for myself. I will only truly overcome this awful disease if I do it for my own  "summer child." I have to get better for that 14 year old girl who was hurt so badly. I have to get better for the 40 year old woman I will be someday. I have to get better for the 80 year old woman I will be. 

It's weird when I say it out loud, but I don't feel like the me right now is worth it... is worthy of me being better, of me feeling better, of me being happy. But when I think about that girl I was, I want to get better to avenge what happened to her, the hurt she felt. When I think about the future me, I feel like I owe it to myself to do this. 

I have tried to wake up in the morning and think, "I need to shower, shave my legs, fix my hair and do my make-up  for Chris. I need to make a schedule for my girls." Everything I try to do, I'm doing for someone else. But I need to want these things for me. I need to make myself feel worthy again. And by slowly doing things like getting dressed and dolled up for myself, and no one else, will help me rebuild the relationship with myself, help  me realize my own self worth, and hopefully, help me to stop the self abuse. 

Thank you Sam. You help me to see that I am worth something. You help me feel that I am not alone. You uplift me so much. I pray that I help you do the same. I feel strong because you can see strength in me. I hope you feel the same. Thank you for all you have taught me and for being my sister. I adore you lady. 

From now on... I'm doing this for myself.

Cleaning is good for the soul

I woke up this morning feeling like the pooh... and I don't mean Winnie.

(Yes, I like my jokes extra cheesy.)

(And sometimes dirty.)

My home has been a MESS lately and though I've had the desire to clean it, I could never quite get to that point mentally or physically. I was overwhelmed by it all and just couldn't make myself do it.

Today I did it. For the most part... the kitchen and some laundry is all that is left and it feels good. I've heard the saying over and over again that cleanliness is next to Godliness. And I completely believe that is true.  In order to be a peace mentally, your home and surroundings need to be at peace as well... at least for me they do. Otherwise I sit there thinking about all the things I need to do and just more and more anxious over doing them and become paralyzed by the anxiety to the point where dirty laundry will sit for weeks and I'm on the verge of turning my underwear inside out so I can keep ignoring the stinky pile of clothes begging to be washed.  (that may have been the longest sentence I've ever written without a comma.)

But anyways - The relief I feel from having done the work, the pride I feel at having the will power to get over my funk and just do it... It's wonderful.  Yeah I still feel a bit like pooh... but it's more of a good pooh... more like Winnie and less like #2.

But on those days when I really can't make myself face the dishes (or crumbs on the carpet from the girls sneaking a bag of potato chips into their room... they're grounded now BTW) I remember something my mama taught me.

Dishes are the most patient things in the world. They will sit and quietly wait for you until you are ready to do them. Laundry as well. Sometimes there are more important things that can use whatever attention I can muster up. And this poem reminds me of what one of things is...