Tuesday, May 22, 2012

This is my Happy Face

Very convincing, isn't it?

Well today has been a good day (I actually showered!) I got to spend pretty much the entire day with T-bone's Pre-K class and Mad-dog was able to be there and participate as well. (Side note: Mad-dog was accepted into this class for the next school year. Way exciting. Only 20 kids out of like 300 get in! So I've been taking her up there when I can so she can get to know her teachers before school starts this fall. And then both my girls will be in school... SO EXCITED - insert mommy guilt here... because I shouldn't want my girls to be gone during the day... right?)

Moving on... 
Most days aren't that good. The majority are kinda okay, and a lot are pretty bad. I mean curled up crying in the fetal position bad. (And that actually happened yesterday, so it's not an exaggeration.) I was thinking about how often I put on a Happy Face for those around me when I'm feeling the complete opposite inside. I was talking with Handsome last night. I asked him why I feel the need to fake it for some people, but can be completely open with others. And actually now that I think about it, I'm not sure I really am completely open with anyone about my depression. I even hide some of it from Handsome - the one person who I know will not judge me or hold any of this against me - who knows me better than anyone else.

When I was in high school, I had a code word. Dandy. I had a few good friends who knew what it meant. If they asked how I was and I said dandy, they knew I was having a bad day, though the happy face was plastered on. But only a select few knew my secret... 

Obviously, I am putting this all on the Internet for everyone and their mom to read, so why do I still feel the need to hide my crazy from some people? Is it to protect myself or to protect others? Maybe a little of both... There are some people who are close to me that I feel the need to protect a bit from my crazy. I've seen them be completely freaked out by the things I've said about my depression, and I don't want to drive them off. Others, I'm afraid will dismiss my issues and treat them as nothing. Or worse, makes jokes about them. It's like a sibling... I can make fun of it, but you can't. I can say I'm crazy, but if anyone else says it, I'll turn into a pile of tears. 

Talking to Handsome, he related it to cancer, like I often do. Do people with cancer want everyone to know of their struggle? Or do they put on a brave face for those around them. They may mention the fact that they have the disease but brush off how badly they  hurt and how dire the situation is. Maybe I do that too. Most everyone in my life knows about my issues, but hardly any know the severity of it all.  And maybe it is to protect myself from the judgement and the ass backwards ideas that still surround depression and anxiety. 

What is the point of this post? I don't know... just to say that I fake it alot of the time. But I think we all do to some extent. We only let people see the parts of us we know they'll be comfortable with. I think that's okay though. Maybe it helps us all stay a bit more sane, less stressed for sure. And for me, every little bit helps.

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