Wednesday, May 23, 2012

My Babies Made Me Crazy

Crazy happy that is...

(T-bone and Mad-dog at T-bone's Pre-K program and awards show)

My lastest bought of depression has been the longest of my life... It all started about 3 1/2 years ago, when Mad-dog was born. But I'm going to back up even farther than that to 5 years and 9 months ago. Me and Handsome had been married just over 2 years. I'd been baby hungry the entire time and had asked over and over if we could start trying for a baby. Handsome refused every time. That is until one Sunday. 

For some reason I attended church alone leaving handsome at home. While sitting in our sacrament meeting, I had an overwhelming feeling that it was finally time to start having babies. I came home and told Handsome about what I'd felt and we decided to pray about it. We both received a yes that it was time for us to start trying. A week later I was pregnant with T-bone (Me and Handsome are both from 7 kids families... so we're kinda fertile!) I was sick as a dog as well. But through all the morning sickness and the aches and pains of pregnancy, I loved every minute of it. I treasured every kick and hiccup.  Then T-bone was born and she was perfect. She nursed like a pro from the start. She slept in our room til about 3 months old. She was my world and I loved having her here.

Fast forward 8 months... We had decided to move into my parents house to save up money for a down payment on a house. The day of the move, I was an emotional wreck and kept losing my temper with Handsome. He finally asked me what the heck was wrong with me.  I sat and thought for a few seconds and realized I was pregnant. I immediately went to the store and got a pregnancy test. With my brothers and brothers-in-law helping move all our furniture and boxes out of our apartment, I sat in the bathroom and took the test. It was one of those digital ones that says pregnant or not pregnant. Obviously it said Pregnant. I immediately broke down. I cried and cried and cried. This was not the right time. How could I be pregnant? I hated being pregnant with Mad-dog. I was sick almost the entire time, but this time there was hardly any throwing up... and I'll take throwing up 8 times a day over just feeling constantly sick any day!

One neat thing is that we were able to schedule Mad-dog's c-section, and so she was born on the 16th... So was T-bone (different month) and they are exactly 16 months apart.  I guess 16 is our lucky number. When Mad-dog was born, we were still at my parents house. All 4 of us were sleeping in one bedroom. There was hardly any room to move with a crib, queen bed, and pack-n-play all in one bedroom. I was okay at first. I probably would have been much worse if it wasn't for having my mama there with me. But I did start to suffer from postpartum depression.  And it sorta never left.

I'll have a few months where I do better, then I'm back down again, even worse than before.  I never really blamed Mad-dog, but under the circumstances I'm sure anyone could see why I got depressed. I realized one day that Mad-dog did not cause the depression... in fact it was just the opposite. She was sent to me at that time to help me keep smiling through some of the hardest, darkest, saddest days of my life. Her and t-bone both were.

I never thought my kids would be so awesome. I love how crazy they are. I love that Mad-dog calls her voice her girls... because she's not a boy... so she doesn't have a "boys" she has a "girls." I love to see them being sisters, caring for one another and enjoying each other's company.

I'm definitely not your average mom. I threaten them with diapers on their heads for whining, and touching noses for fighting. When they can't stand to be around each other, I make them hold hands and jump on the bed, because who can be mad when you're jumping on a bed. I insist that they are juicy and bite them all over. And I love to hide around corners and hear their scream when I scare them. They listen to the Black Keys, the Beastie Boys, and the White Stripes. I let them use my make up to decorate my face til I look worse than the joker.

My girls can make me crazy, but they are also my happy thought. I mean, who couldn't be happy living with these faces???
 They light up my world and I'm so grateful to be their mama.
I absolutely adore these two little ladies more than words can say. And though I'm thrilled that they'll both be in school this fall, giving me a break... I'm looking forward to all the crazy fun things we'll be able to do this summer. It's going to be monumental! 

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