The pain in my heart at the moment is so real, I can hardly breath. I'm not quite sure that this is a panic attack cause my heart is not racing. I'm just so overwhelmingly sad... It feels good to cry though. The tears are kinda healing in some ways. They calm me down a little. It's like I can just get it out through there and then I'm better.
My biggest frustration lately is WHY. Why do I have depression? What is it's purpose? Why do I have anxiety? Why do I have to suffer?
My conclusion is still kinda up in the air, and I don't know that I will ever really know WHY... well in this life anyways. But here's what I've come up with so far.
1. Genetics. My mother has depression and anxiety issues. My older sister has these issues as well. My younger brother has had anxiety issues. I wonder if anyone else in my family suffers from these issues. I think we all get some mental quirks from our parents. I can see mine very obviously. My dad has control issues... and can be a bit OCD and has some hoarding stuff... nothing that complicates his life. But I have those tendencies as well. And like I said, depression and anxiety from my mama. But what I don't know is if this stuff is learned or DNA. I'm hoping more of it is learned than not... Because I am terrified of passing this on to my daughters. I really hope I don't.
2. Hormones. Having my two daughters back to back threw me off. I am blaming part of this on my IUD as well. Mirena does have some hormones and I think I'm off balance. But I don't want a baby anytime soon, so I'm not having it removed. There are other factors playing into my issues anyways.
3. Past Events. There have been 3 major events in my past that have directly led to my issues with Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.) I was molested twice when I was growing up. One of those times I was very young and don't remember it. But that doesn't mean it has no effect on my psyche. Another one of those times I was a teenager and a family member molested me. That I remember in vivid detail... up to a certain point. Then it's blank... then I remember what happened afterwards. That one haunts me. I have forgiven those involved and tried to move past it as much as I can, but I have never seen a therapist for it. The third event was being kicked out of college. At the time, I shut down. I quit eating, my hair started falling out... So I moved. I changed my life to try and get me out of the funk. But it only got worse. The environment around me was not helpful and I kept slipping further and further. I finally came back home and got my shit together. That's when I met Chris and my life started looking up.
I know all this has led to my mental health issues. Some of these issues can be corrected physically with prescriptions and regular exercise and sun, etc. Some can't. Some will be with me through my entire life. They led me to where I am and to who I am, and though I may be broken in places... I wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything. I love my life and those around me. So if this is my burden to bear, then I will try my hardest.
Even though I am resigned to the fact that some of this will be with me my whole life does not mean that I am giving up and giving in to the depression. I will try daily to fight it. To strive for joy and happiness and light in the darkness.
One of my heroes, The Bloggess, said that those who suffer from depression are deeper people because of the suffering we have. I agree. I have a deeper sense of sympathy, of joy and of light. I can appreciate them more because of the pain I feel. I can laugh harder because of those times when sadness overwhelms me. Maybe that is the why... maybe it's so that I can be a deeper person, more grateful, more empathetic, more caring, more loving, and happier in times of peace. And if I have been called to suffer so that I can be this person, then so be it. I will be her. And pray that it is enough.